looking for help dealing with death

jay1171 · New User Joined: 21 Sep 2008 Posts: 1

This is my first time on a forum really trying this cause nothing else seems to be helping. I lost my wife of 7 1/2 years to cancer on may 5th 2008. I feel heartbroken, angry, depressed and if it wasnt for my 5 year old daughter i wouldnt even have a reason to live. Ive tried talking to friends , family, therapists but it just doesnt seem to help cause they cant really understand what im going through cause they havent gone through it. My wife was the most perfect beautiful, understanding, loving person that ive ever met in my whole life in all the time we were together we had one fight we never went to bed angry never lied to each other talked about everything nothing was off limits we were totally open with each other. She can never be replaced and i just dont know how to go on with out her. When she got sick she was so amazingly strong with how she fought it that i couldnt believe. she handled herself with grace, dignity, courage,strength and always had a positive outlook and fought right up to the minute she died in our bed. so if anyone has any advise on how to go on without her it would be greatly appreciated im reallyt starting to feel like i losing my grip and cant go on any longer please help thank you

P.S. My wife Kim died of colon cancer from FLP

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 817 Location: UK

Hi, jay - I am so sorry for your loss. But you are not alone in this. Please be assured, many of us have had the same feelings and can empathise with your sense of loss and despair.

I could utter many platitudes about how your child needs you, how good it is to make the effort to find something to keep you busy, etc etc. None of that actually addresses the roots of your difficulty.

It is important that if you are finding it difficult to cope and to go forward, to seek professional assistance. Talking out your feelings is one step, but sometimes it needs an outside ear and eye to provide the kind of support that may help. It is not a failure to do this, but a recognition that you need help.

I am sure there will be many others who will have pertinent and useful advice. In the meantime, you can always let your feelings out here. We are good listeners.

brainman

Jay, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your wife's death. I have experienced a lot of deaths in my family. Both of my parents died due to cancer. However, I do not imagine those loses compare to the lose of a spouse.

The closet experience to yours was the death of my oldest daughter almost 30 years ago now. She died as a baby... barely 1 day old... but I still cry from time to time. Yes, time does sort of heal all wounds... but there is always a scar left that you and I will have to live with.

I do not try to forget my daughter. In fact, I try to commemorate that 1 day of live. You have a much longer experience with your wife. Find some meaningful ways to celebrate those years together... even if it is just going to her grave once in a while. I buy birthday cards for my daughter. Sounds silly, doesn't it? It is just my way of treasuring that 1 day.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Godson20 · New User Joined: 20 Sep 2008 Posts: 3

Hey, Sorry about your loss. I cant imagine loosing that someone that close to me.

As Vee said, You're not alone and you shouldn't feel like you are. There are many people just like you who lost loved ones to Cancer. I also once felt that no one understands myself. My therapist recommended a support group. If you're interested just mention it to your therapist.

God Bless.

karolynca · Experienced user Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 51

Sending tons of prayers and suppport to you, please know you are not alone.
_________________
Dad ~ Passed away from Multiorgan failure due to secondary liver cancer on July 2008

http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=34365

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1386

Jay,

I understand completely. I could have written the same post as you have. I do not have young children anymore, so lack even that to keep me going. You are in the very early stages of grieving for your dear wife and I hope it does get better for you. It really hasn't for me, so I can't offer any advice. Just know that you are not alone. I often wonder how one goes about patching their life back together solo. It's so foreign to us who are left behind. Just take it day by day, hour by hour and keep hoping that in time we will find a little bit of ourselves again to push ahead. Everything you are going through is quite normal. You are right, others do not get it and I've long since given up on thinking they have a clue. They never will until it happens to them. I was with my husband for 31 years and I'm still relatively young, but I try not to look to far into the future. Just getting through the day is a struggle and I'm almost a year without him.

My heart breaks for you to face this challenge so young and with a young child. I hurt for any spouse because I walk this walk too and it's the pits. I keep thinking that millions have gone before me on this individual journey and somehow muddled through, so I guess I can do it too.

Many hugs and prayers to you,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

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