My Story.....

Hopefullness · Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: My Story.....

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 PC in may.....
she under went gemzar for 7 wks and the cancer only grew.....
while gettin things ready for her to begin an experimental treatment she became very jaundice and had to have a stint put in her bile duct just a month ago....
she is now on a 2 hr in house chemo and on a pump for 48 hrs every 2 wks.....a new mri will be at the end of this month.
we were told in the beginning that anything after christmas was a blessing...

it all started with the classic stomach pains (pancreatitis caused by the tumor).....she had no idea as most of those diagnosed dont.

my world is falling apart and im more than certain im struggling with depression at this point. Im 26, she is 51, this wasnt how it was supposed to go. im moody, short tempered, low patience, and i just dont care about too much of anything anymore, unless it deals with her. someone tell me this is normal.

I moved from IL 4 yrs ago, but went back in june for 3 months to be with her, i came back to FL for few weeks and will be flying back in 3 wks to spend the remaining months with her, however long that is. i was engaged in feb and he will have to stay in florida (small business owner and a mortgage)

how did you learn to cope? -either patient or family member

i have a younger brother (23) who just had a baby last november....she is still married to my father (28yrs)......we are like the damn brady bunch, we are so close......how did you deal with this?

all my thoughts and prayers sent to anyone effected by this!

jessica026 · Regular Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 47

your story sounds alot like mine..i was 27 when my mom as diagnosed and a mommy to 2 little guys (one also born in Novemeber)..she was in the room with me when i had both boys.
we have always been super close and the furthest we have ever lived away from eachother was about 20 minutes..she and I also worked together for the last year, and spent most our weekends together.

No one can tell you how to feel, or how moody you should be.
you deal how you deal and thats all you can do....I dealt by shutting down and pretending everything was ok and I was ok....so i think its good that you show your emotions.
things will get worse and you wil find your own way to cope..I was told to seek counsilling but i cant see myself actually "talking" about it.
take it day by day is all you can do Smile

Hopefullness · Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:26 pm Post subject: Re: My Story.....

Thanks Jess....
i dont need to talk to anyone, i know why i feel the way i do. I just wondered how others have reacted in this situation. Im sure what i feel is kinda "normal" to the situation. i guess i just want to hear it cause sometimes i feel like im crazy, lost......not myself.

My philosophy is that there is plenty of time to cry at the end, i want to smile and laugh with her while i can. It's crazy how much your world can change overnight.

jessica026 · Regular Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 47

oh ya..you'll feel "crazy" for awhile Wink

...if you didnt i dont think you would be normal

reedy · Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: Re: My Story.....

i went through exactly the same fellings you are experiencing. my dad was diagnosed in nov 07 and died 27 june 08. i am 27 and have 2 small kids and if it wasn't for them i don't think i would have coped at all. i still have bad days all the time but i am slowly starting to remember the good times we had instead of those dreadful last few months.
my biggest problem is sleeping i can't sleep no matter how tired i am as soon as i stop and lay down my thoughts instantly turn to dad and the last few weeks, we keep him at home and my mum and i cared for him and gave him his injections etc was so hard and i was with him at the end so i have to take sleeping tablets.
all i can say is spend as much quality time with your mum as you can, talk, laugh, cry, enjoy each other, talk about all the wonderful times you have shared. it will be tough but it sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive family to help get you through.
my thoughts are with you and your family.

Hopefullness · Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:43 am Post subject: Re: My Story.....

i really believe i need to talk to our family phasician and get some sort of mood stabilizer. I feel that my mood swings are almost ruining my relationship with my fiance.

In truth i wish i could let go of everything and go back to my parents house and rebuild. Thats where i started, so thats where i want to go back to.

LOVE4MOMMA · Regular Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 46 Location: Kentucky

I'm right there with all of you. Mom was diagnosed in June. I have 2 girls and a husband and they keep me busy. Anytime I'm not busy, I just about go crazy. I have anxiety attacks, that stinks. Everything your describing is very familiar to me. There for awhile I felt like if I wasn't doing something for mom then it wasn't worth doing. I realize that I have a family of my own to care for. I try to even things out as much as possible, but its still hard. My family is taking a vacation the week of Thanksgiving to see my in-laws in Florida. I (at the last min., right before plane tickets were bought last night) decided to stay here with mom. I'm afraid to be far away. I don't like to think like this, but I also wonder if these will be her last holidays with us. I don't want to miss a minute with her. Mom and I are extremely close. I am 30 and she just turned 50. We live 5 minutes from each other. I think it will be nice to have a few sleepovers with her that week!!

If you ever want to talk, let me know. I'm here in the same place you are and understand what you're going thru.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
_________________
Crystal
I love my momma!!

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Cynthia

Hopefullness · Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:43 pm Post subject: Re: My Story.....

Love, im so sorry....i know what i feel and how i react and i can only imagine how you must feel.

Im newly engaged and have nothing to really keep me busy...other than work, but nobody that truly depends on me like your kids do. So i am constanly on edge and man how i can relate to panic attacks.....there are times i feel my chest is so restricked that it hurts to breath.

Mom has a new MRI at the end of the month...when i leave FL to go home to IL it will be fore the rest of the time she has left, cause like you, im not willing to give up another minute that i could have spent with her and in my heart i feel these are the last holidays with her.

i hope that this long distance and time apart doesnt ruin my relationship with my fiance, but my mom is my priority right now, so if it does then im fine with it. Cause i have some years left to find my own way through life, she doesnt. im sure its not what she really would want for me, but i couldnt live with the regret of not being by her side.

reedy · Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: Re: My Story.....

the most important thing right now is for you to be with your mum!!! if your fiance really loves you and wants to spend his life with you he will understand! i mean what is a few months in the scheme of things? i moved away from my dad 4 months before he died due to financial reasons, it was so hard but i visited every chance i got and spent the last 3 weeks with him helping my mum care for him at home and we had some really special moments together that i will always cherish!!
I would recommend you see your doctor as i was having panic attacks and was just really low and having trouble coping with dad being so sick and looking after my kids etc so he put me on anti depressants, it helped alot i found myself much more able to cope with it all, it is nothing to be ashamed off, this is one if not the hardest things you will ever have to deal with and we all need a bit of help sometimes! please don't hesitate if you ever need to talk, my thoughts are with you!

Hopefullness · Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:56 am Post subject: Re: My Story.....

thanks reedy....thats exactly how i feel about it, a few months really is nothing

Hopefullness · Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 12:10 am Post subject: Re: My Story.....

just an update so that maybe it will help the next person....

in december mom got the first round of good news and broke it to the family on christmas eve......the chemo she was on stabilized the cancer (no growth, no shrinking).....then again the same news in early feb

she began to have blood clots in jan.....first one was in her lung, the next 2 were in her legs

on her birthday, Feb 27th, she fell in the bathroom while washing her hair....it was blamed on high blood pressure (which she did experience weeks earlier).....that monday she had a massive stroke that paralyzed her on the left side, leaving her pretty much bed ridden

the drs say chances of her throwing another clot is high, and chemo has been stopped......we just got her home sunday and are taking care of her around the clock (unless she sleeps through the night)......now we are trying to accept the physical and mental changes while trying to appreciate what we do have left of her........

this has been an emotional roller coaster ride.....my heart goes out to everyone who has been effected by this devastating diagnosis

wannaknow · Senior User Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 118

Hopefullness:

Roller Coaster - you know all too well.

Can't imagine battling two debilitating health issues that serious at the same time.

All the Best to You & Yours especially Your Mom

Hopefullness · Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:47 pm Post subject: Re: My Story.....

i cant begin to explain the pain......i feel stupid when i try cause it seems nothing makes sense

thank you very much WKnow.....nothing but the best wishes for your family as well

wannaknow · Senior User Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 118

Hooefullness:

Thanks

"Nothing Makes Sense" = the best description of fighting Pancreatic Cancer

and no matter hard hard you try - you always feel it's not enough & you come up short.............But remember you can't control or fix it.

Can only do your best and contribute where the need is..........sometimes it is a small or simple item that your Mom appreciates & feels loved

Hang in there

Hopefullness · Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:50 pm Post subject: Re: My Story.....

mom passed away march 26th....7:50 am, with the family all sitting around her....

that tuesday her potassium spiked to 6.7 (3.5-5 is norm) and she hadnt produced very much urine at all.....her body just shut down
not even a month of no chemo and that stuff spread like fire, man, what a devastating disease.....she had got to the point of serious pain so she was put on a morphine drip that kept her pretty sedated for the most part....

i walk around in a fog, i dont feel any emotion......at night around 7pm i get really anxious and feel scared......i cant sleep very well, so i have been takin ambien
i hadnt cried since her funeral on the 30th, till last night......it hurts to look at pictures
dad is in the same "fog" state........for those of you who have been here, how long does this last?.....the fog and emotionlessness

we had about a year to prepare ourselves for this ending......truth is you are never prepared to lose such a big part of your world

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