introduction from me..

codesmith · Regular Joined: 05 Dec 2008 Posts: 36

I am a 27 year old male from Australia with Cancer of Unknown Primary (CUP). Based on the tumors within me doctors feel it may be Pancreatic cancer. There is no cure as far as doctors are concerned, but I hope to tolerate the cancer symptoms for many many years.

A lot of dreams have been torn away from me, especially being a single male now again living with his parents. I have lost my apartment, my social life (for now I guess) and basically I am at a point where religion seems to be my only saviour.

An oncologist gave me the average life expectancy for someone with my condition and since this day I am struggling between the two modes of: preparing mentally for the ultimate (i.e. my demise) AND at the same time being positive and striving to live as long as I can. Both in thought pattern contradict each other on many occassions. It's really hard for me.

When I think about living I think about living without my previous goals (having a family, kids, prosperous career, health), then it seems as if it's not worth being positive. YET I want to live.

Maybe this thread isn't an introduction or doesn't belong on this forum ... but if anyone can share their experiences and shed some advice it would be helpful for me.

Edited bit:

I used to be about 30% suicidal during my major depressive times, so I feel as if I have found a way to kill myself - that is by giving up. And I don't want to do this, but I am scared I am doing this without knowing.

brainman · Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: Re: introduction from me..

codesmith, I am so very sorry about your diagnosis. Are the doctors not offering you any treatment options? If not, I would get a second opinion. Without any treatment you indeed have only a few months.

I can only imagine what you are going through in terms of lost dreams. When I was diagnosed it was like I had no future. I would never see my children graduate, get married, etc. That was 16 years ago and I have seen all of them graduate and 2 get married. I know that realistically you cannot expect that.

Hopefully soon you can start looking for those things that you can still achieve in whatever time you still have. Make a list of things you would still like to do, places you would like to go, people you would like to see or talk to. The every day work toward those goals. Hopefully, you will be able to do many of the things in your "bucket list" and be able to have a great quality of life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

By the way, how old are you? Not that it matters much; cancer sucks at any age.
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codesmith · Regular Joined: 05 Dec 2008 Posts: 36

I am 27.

I am currently getting chemotherapy as palliative treatment. However I am a great believer in mind over matter. I have set a goal to live for 5+ years ... it will take a lot of convincing myself through thought (prayers, auto-suggestion, concentration, meditation etc) but I will do it.

Not that I will be able to have kids, a wife, house etc ... but atleast I can be around as a "son" a "brother" to my loving family for as long as I can.

I will tolerate any pain, discomfort for as long as I can. Mind over matter. I won't let the cancer dictate, my mind will dictate my future.

It just hurts when I read you say I will only have months.

As far as goals/dreams - I won't set out to achieve them. I will do the things which matters most ... spending quality time with my family and some friends.

I don't know how long I have, yet I aim for 5+ years. Maybe it may not work out ... in the event it doesn't at least I know I have spent time doing things which matters most.

Things really suck. Especially being so young. Sometimes I feel like just giving up all together and dying ASAP because I can't live the life I wanted ... but that is suicide ... it's tempting but I just can't do it. It's morally wrong.

Meghann · New User Joined: 20 Nov 2008 Posts: 7 Location: Texas

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Pancreatic cancer is a scary, scary thing. Especially when all you read about it is negative. My dad, aged 51, has pancreatic cancer stage IV with mets to the lymph nodes. He was diagnosed back in July of this year and has been on chemo ever since. But he's a very strong man, very much a fighter. Like you, he's set his mind on living and nothing is gonna change that. He still is able to go to work most days, and although he's still very tired he tries to do most of the things he always did. As of September, his cancer had shrunk by HALF, yes, HALF! And other than some of the side-effects from the new chemo he's on, he's still going strong.
Don't give up my friend, it sounds like you've got a good family to support you so lean on them. If you don't think you're being treated aggressively enough, try a new doctor. Just take it one day at a time and keep a positive attitude! That's what has gotten my dad this far. I know cancer is such a dark cloud over a person and their family but my dad is my shining star, my ray of hope, my inspiration. You're young and strong, and I know you can fight this, too!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!

reedy · Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 6:01 am Post subject: Re: introduction from me..

Hey there fellow Aussie!!! I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but glad that you have a fighting mind set!! My dad was diagnosed in nov last year and passed away in june this year, this is a terrible cancer but having said that there are survivors out there and there is no reason you can't be one of them!!
Have you researched some natural options to support you chemo? My dad was taking several natural things, and although they didn't work very well with dad you just never know hey? Also have you looked into any clinical trials? Anything is worth a go if it will give you more time and more importantly quality time with your family and friends.
It is scary that you are so young and a reminder to all of us that youth doesn't mean you are free from risk and should always take your health seriously!!
I am sending you all my strength and support and hope you are one of the miracles in this world. xxx

codesmith · Regular Joined: 05 Dec 2008 Posts: 36

thanks for the kind words. i am trying to keep strong and positive - the pains are somewhat bringing me down however. but re-reading my previous post has given me some strength again - my attitude keeps changing over time .. so it was good i wrote the right attitude down somewhere.

reedy · Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 6:00 am Post subject: Re: introduction from me..

I suppose it would be hard to stay positive when you are in so much pain! My dad suffered alot too. I can't say how important it is to register with a pain management specialist, your oncoligist should be able to refer you. They know how severe the pain can get and their job is to work with you until they get it under control, it may mean you have to take opiate based drugs but if it means you get better quality time it will be worth it in the long run! Don't ever try to grin and bear it as it can get really bad really quickly as we found with my dad.
Make sure you let us all know how you are going and if you ever need to vent or need advice never hesitate to ask, the people on here posess a wealth of knowledge.
Once again sending all my support and strength to you good luck!!!

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