Husband Showing Signs That The End Is Near

onecoyote · Senior User Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 150

My husband has been spending most of the past few days asleep, waking very briefly. He sips some fluids but solid foods have stopped. I am resigned to the fact that he won't be with me much longer. When he is awake most times he doesn't respond to me, then other times it is like normal and he actually speaks.
The hospice nurse came by today and told me it won't be much longer. I just pray I don't fall apart afterwards. I have been care giving all by myself as no family is nearby. Anyone have any experience with being alone after their loved one dies?
_________________
Husband Danny, age 66,
diagnosed squamous cell June 6, 2008,
Right pneumonectomy performed with no adjuvant chemo or radiation on Sept. 2008
Metastatic lung cancer in the ribs, scapula and right kidney raised it's ugly head May 2009.
Renal cell carcinoma diagnosed May 2009
One round carbo/taxol, too weak to continue
Cancer racing like a freight train
Held my husband's hand when he passed away September 29, 2009

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 2403

((((Charlene))))),

I'm sorry to hear this news. I hope Danny is being kept comfortable. I'm saying prayers and holding your hand from here.

Take it one step at a time and try not to get ahead of yourself. I know how frightening this time is for spouses.

God bless and treasure the moments. Please treasure the moments -- even when he doesn't seem responsive or awake. Just hold his hand and be with him. You're a good wife and these moments will be what you will hold onto in the time to come.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

tinaruns · New User Joined: 09 Sep 2009 Posts: 6

Hi. I just feel so terrible for you. No one should be alone in your situation.

I have not lost a spouse, so I cannot tell you how that will feel.

However, I lost my only blood-related family member (my grandfather, who raised me) about one year ago. My husband comforted me after his death, but it was still extremely difficult.

I cannot even imagine being alone. I'm not trying to scare you, though, I'm just trying to express my sympathy.

My only suggestions are (1) please try to join some sort of berievement group--even if you haven't participated in hospice, they should have info on these sorts of groups. They also have them through many churches, often. And, consider attending church and joining small groups, even if not religious, these people can be like family (and I'm not really very religious--I'm just talking about support); and (2) you might want to go to the bookstore and read books about grieving. These were the only things that brought me any comfort when I lost my grandmother (who also raised me, like my mom) and then my grandfather--and now there is just me, from my family, left alive. But I do have my husband so I can't imagine your situation.

My husband's father is dying right now (melanoma of the lungs and brain). He is sleeping most of the time. We do not expect him to live much more than one month. Even though his mother has a lot of support (6 children and lots of grandchildren), I still cannot imagine her grief. They have been married 56 years and he was the picture of perfect health, totally, until his diagnosis 3 weeks ago. Now he's waiting for death. It's unthinkable.

Cancer is so unfair and life is mysterious. I just hope that you reach out to people, somehow, someway. There are other people dealing with similiar situations and I think being around them might help.

Good luck to you.

Tera · Senior User Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 279

((((((Charlene)))))) I am so sorry. I know you are worried and scared. I totally understand the feeling. I was my mother's lone caregiver and it was hard being the only caregiver. I didn't do it nearly as long as you have so I know it has been rough on you.

Ask your hospice team but they will provide you with support at no charge for 6 months after Danny passes. Take advantage of it. You will be ok, I promise, but just take it one day at a time as PBJ says. It hurts, I won't kid you, but the pain does get easier to bear as time goes on.

The way I understand it is the reason they don't respond to you is simply that their bodies are expending energy for the end of life and sometimes that doesn't allow the enegry to respond to their loved ones. BUT.....that doesn't mean they can still hear you and understand you so keep talking to Danny and cherishing your life with him while talking to him. He hears and he loves you, he just can't always respond.

maryaz

Charlene, I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot offer any input for you. Only that I care about what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. I will for sure continue to pray for you and Danny. I know that only time can ease pain. I sure wish things had worked out different. I will never understand why so many good people have to suffer like this.

I was so glad to read Tera’s post. That was all news to me. I will remember it if I ever need it. Please do take the help that is available from hospice. That will give you plenty of time to decide what you will do in the future. You could join a group online if there is nothing close to you but real time hugs could mean a lot if possible. A lot of friends and families are sharing and caring about each other by using new methods on computer such as face book. That would only work if you had family on it.

I have a 47 year old niece that is fighting a Ewing Sarcoma, very rare cancer. She is gaining but that never means a sure win. They are doing a stem cell thing with her own stem cells. Lovely person. We have been following her journey. She has been thru so much in treatment. This cancer is a terrible disease. It robs people of so much.

I will pray for you both. God Bless You!
_________________
Mary

Husband is 67 year old Male
NSCLC - Squamous Cell Carcinoma
Chemo and Radiation Treatments together
Allergic reactions to Taxol and Taxotere.
The Story: http://www.cancerforums.net/about9079.html

brainman

Oh Charlene Sad

((( my heart breaks for you and your husband. My eyes are full of tears. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Twitter: @JimHawkins54

divinechild

Hi Charlene,

My prayers are on the way to you and your husband. You are SO brave and strong. I cannot imagine going through what you're going through alone. Please find some kind of support group for cancer patients family as being suggested. I'm talking to my sister and one of my friends who's mother passed from lung cancer a few years back to get support. Or know that we are all holding hands together---every single one of us here together---facing the same thing. I'm so touched by the outpouring love and compassion is being shown here......

I don't know if I know the right words to say....I have never really dealt with death in my immediate family before......I'm going through much challenge in addition to my dad's lung cancer....and this is THE time for me to choose FAITH instead of fears.....

I hope peace and serenity is with you and may God spare him any pain or discomfort and let him know you're with him always....

Sending warm healing light,

Shannon

[quote="onecoyote"]My husband has been spending most of the past few days asleep, waking very briefly. He sips some fluids but solid foods have stopped. I am resigned to the fact that he won't be with me much longer. When he is awake most times he doesn't respond to me, then other times it is like normal and he actually speaks.
The hospice nurse came by today and told me it won't be much longer. I just pray I don't fall apart afterwards. I have been care giving all by myself as no family is nearby. Anyone have any experience with being alone after their loved one dies?[/quote]

onecoyote · Senior User Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 150

Thank you everyone for your ideas and prayers. I remember reading Koikkeril's posts as her husband started to fail and I cried over them and prayed that I would never be in that position. Now, here I am.
Special thanks Mary for teaching this newbie the roller coaster ropes last year. I had really hoped our husbands (Bernice's too) were gonna beat this thing.
A few things I have gained from all of this is empathy and compassion for others. Like you Shannon, I never had anyone close to me die before, it always seemed like I would never be touched by those horrid heart breaking feelings. Coming to this forum though has made me feel like I was walking in others shoes (almost like a rehearsal for later). My heart broke many times but I was also gladdened by people's success stories.
Thanks again
Charlene
_________________
Husband Danny, age 66,
diagnosed squamous cell June 6, 2008,
Right pneumonectomy performed with no adjuvant chemo or radiation on Sept. 2008
Metastatic lung cancer in the ribs, scapula and right kidney raised it's ugly head May 2009.
Renal cell carcinoma diagnosed May 2009
One round carbo/taxol, too weak to continue
Cancer racing like a freight train
Held my husband's hand when he passed away September 29, 2009

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