Hiding advanced cancer from husband?

Damia · New User Joined: 30 Sep 2009 Posts: 2

Hello,

I thought long & hard before posting to this forum, for I don't want to hurt any feelings in a forum where people are hurting already.

Family members and friends have died of cancer, and I have had a breast biopsy, so I am always aware of the disease "in the background." So then someone, who I haven't talked with in many years, informed me that, sadly, his wife died of lung cancer 4 years ago. He said his wife "hid it" from everyone until one day, she collapsed at work and was rushed to the hospital. That was in May; she died in early July. He said he almost went crazy after she died. They had been very, very close for more than 20 years.

I feel so sorry for the husband, who is still mourning his wife. He clearly meant that she "hid" the disease, not that she wasn't aware she had it. Dear people, how would this be possible? Am I very naive? I would tell my husband if I had so much as a lump - in fact, he was right in the room with me when I had my biopsy. Can lung cancer be so silent that even the patient doesn't suspect anything, let alone the patient's spouse?

I hope I have not offended anyone without meaning to. Best wishes to everyone.

Damia

krose · Regular Joined: 26 Sep 2009 Posts: 24 Location: Texas

I know where the woman was probably coming from. Cancer...its a huge thing, but who really wants it to define who they are? The pity party is so unnecessary, and so I can kind of understand. Only my family and my close friends know. Its no body elses business really, other than a place like this where the idea is to support each other. Does that make any sense?

Damia · New User Joined: 30 Sep 2009 Posts: 2

Yes, I can totally understand not telling anybody outside of close family, but...she didn't even tell her husband until she was almost gone.

I do wonder how he could have not noticed something was terribly wrong with the woman who shared his life. I am not criticizing him, poor man; just wondering how it could happen. The thing that scares me is: Is advanced cancer that silent?

brainman

Damia, I am sorry about the death of your friend's wife. Yes, it is possible to go for a long time without those around you knowing that you have cancer if you are not taking treatments. How long really depends on some specifics about type, size, stage, and location of the cancer. This secret can cause symptoms that are so subtle that even close family will discount them. It is hard really for me to say why your friend did not notice and I could speculate all day and still be wrong. Just know that it is possible. I have known people with Breast Cancers, Lung Cancers, Brain Cancers... who went for months (sometimes years) knowing that they had a cancer but absolutely no one in their families knew anything until near the end.

Again, I am so sorry.
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ash90 · New User Joined: 01 Oct 2009 Posts: 1

Good topic here. It gives me alot of information.

ash90
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krose · Regular Joined: 26 Sep 2009 Posts: 24 Location: Texas

I agree, in the sense that i dont really understand why you would want to hide it from your loved ones, we all at times need their strength, so to go without any support...thats...odd? I understand what youre thinking, yet like I said, at the same time, I understand where she as well was coming from.

Katy

LC666 · Regular Joined: 19 Oct 2009 Posts: 14

I dont think it is fair to the other spouse that a cancer not disclosed, because (a) the other spouse needs to plan for the family finanically and physically, and (b) the sick patient needs helps physically and emotionally.

Also, I dont think a lung cancer can be hidden either, because of frequent coughing, and short of breath, not to mention the frequent visits to doctors and hospital.

krose · Regular Joined: 26 Sep 2009 Posts: 24 Location: Texas

I as well agree that it would be extremely hard to hide such a thing as cancer from a loved one you are around all the time. In my situation my loved ones and closest friends know. So to keep it from aquaintences really isnt a big deal. But, I cant imagine hiding it from the people I share a home with? hmm. Aside from the fact im 18 and still need my momma =)

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