Help?

anon09 · New User Joined: 29 Oct 2009 Posts: 1

My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in early August. The cancer has spread to her thyroid and I think it is near her spine. She is 67 years old and finished her radiation for the tumor near her spine and is currently undergoing chemo.

I know this sounds terrible, but I do know know the details of the cancer (other than it is lung) nor the type of chemo she is getting. I do love my Mom; however, our relationship has had its ups and downs. She was not the greatest care giver and she can be very difficult to be around and the cancer has only made it worse.

I live 2.5 hrs away and try to come up every 2 weeks to visit. She has a lot of support where she lives in terms of friends who help her out. I try to do what I can; however, she holds the information close to her chest. Unless I beg for the specifics, I cannot get all of the info. I also work 50 hours, am the primay bread winner, have a family with young children and am trying my best to not make the mistakes my mom did in terms of raising a family, including not being drunk, yelling at my kids, financially providing for my kids, etc.

Right now, I feel like I am constantly a failure at everything. My mom would love it if I could come up and be with her every weekend; however, it is not possible. It is really difficult to come and take care of her when I have the responsibility of taking care of my children. My husband can watch the children on the weekends; however, his job does require him to frequently work during the weekend and my mom prefers I come alone. I am currently looking for therapy under my insurance to see if I can talk to someone but I am still really scared. I have thought of paying for a private nurse; however, finances are somewhat tight and I honestly don't think it is fair to put my mother's needs over my children's needs in terms of finances. I am currently looking into seeing what my mother's health care can provide.

I have not found much support where my mother lives (Northern California) for lung cancer.

I think the things I need serious help with is
- where can I find support for my Mom
- how can I handle my mom's high expectations (which have been confirmed by others)
- how can I stop being so angry

I hope you don't judge me and think I am an awful selfish person with my post, if you have anything negative to tell me, please skip; I already feel pretty lousy.

Tera · Senior User Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 279

You don't sound selfish at all, you sound human. You can not help how you feel and finding out a loved one has a terminal illness doesn't 'erase the slate" where hard feelings are concerned.

I would see if you have an EAP (employee assistance program) program available to you at work where you can see a counselor free of charge. Many companies provide that as a benefit to their employees. This will give you an impartial person who can best advise you, tell you how you can find help for your mom and help you with this situation.

For your peace of mind, and so you won't harbor feelings of guilt later, maybe a counselor can also help you work on resolving your feelings towards your mom.

I wish you the best and I'm sure some of the others will come on and add their input.

Pixie · Regular Joined: 15 Sep 2009 Posts: 24

I also don't think you sound selfish, in fact it seems like you are doing more than enough to help your mom. Everyone reacts differently with a cancer diagnosis, but to use the diagnosis to make you feel quilty is wrong.

You have to put your family first, especially with small kids.

I hope you can work it out with your mom.

Take care
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Endometrial Adenocarcinoma FIGO stage 1b Diagnosed September 2009

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