Constantly Terrified

ScaredAlways · New User Joined: 02 Nov 2009 Posts: 1 Location: Tulsa, OK

I'm a 27 year old male. I have never been diagnosed with cancer. I thank god for that. The people on this forum are some of the most courageous people in the world. I wish I had their/your courage just when it comes to petty daily hurdles. I suffer from Depression/Anxiety/Obsession. For the past 7 months or so I have been completely obsessed with my health/mortality. About seven months ago I was positive I had prostate cancer that had spread throughout my lower body. I had traces of blood in my urine and minor pain that wouldn't resolve with antibiotics. My doctor decided to get me in for an abdominal CT scan. Results were completely normal. Everything looked very healthy. I even told the techs, as I walked in to the scan room, to prepare to find cancer. I was deadly serious. I "knew" i had cancer. I didn't apparently. During this episode of obsession I worked myself up so much I considered quitting my job because I couldn't concentrate on a thing. I cried constantly. I got to the point of throwing up little bits of blood (from my throat apparently) because I was so distraught . I prayed regularly and uncharacteristically considering I have never had much faith in god or an afterlife. I felt guilty for this. After the results my fears subsided for a few months. Constant fear and the feeling of impending doom and death breathing down my neck is always there however. Always.
So now, or one month ago rather, I came down with what my doctor assumed was the swine flu. Typical flu like symptoms, and apparently something like 90 percent of his patients complaining of flu like symptoms were positive for swine flu. So he prescribes tamiflu. My symptoms were aches, bad aches, fever of 102, lower back pain, and a cough. Tamifu didnt seem to do much at all, but the fever subsided about 5 to 6 days later. Again, this was one month ago. Eventually, 2 weeks later, the cough slowly resolved itself. But about 2 weeks after the fever subsided, as my cough began to disappear, I experienced two consecutive night sweats. I immediately began to panic. Back into obsession mode. Ever since, i have been having minor to intermediate night sweats almost nightly. They dont seem to occur when i drink however. I will wake up, even after a short nap, with my head wet, my collar wet and occasionally the pillow case wet. Again, let me re-emphasize how I obsess over this. It runs my life. I am terrified always. I go to sleep thinking about it and wake up hoping it was a bad dream, but checking myself for sweats.
So during this obsession, naturally I am constantly online trying to find something to ease my mind, but as im sure many of you have come to discover, doing that actually causes the opposite effect. It re-enforces your fears. Makes them even stronger. I started to look around my body for swollen lymph nodes when I found out about lymphoma and night sweats, I noticed that i have a ball under my chin, uneven from the other side, a palpable ball, I assumed this was a lymph node. i immediately went in to se my GP and he assured me that is was my salivary gland, not my lymph node, and gave me a full physical exam. He said none of my lymph nodes were swollen and that I was the healthiest specimen he had seen all day. This didn't do it for me. I am still obsessively worried around the clock. I cant eat, Im afraid to sleep because I might wake up with the sweats, and I feel like I am in hell. Sometimes I would just rather die.
So my question is, should I investigate this further, as far as the possibility of lymphoma, or should i see a psychiatrist? And please don't say both. Thank you for reading and responding.

taylorjavascript:emoticon(' Crying or Very sad

')

joepet · Senior User Joined: 18 Dec 2008 Posts: 288 Location: Japan

Hi Taylor. Sorry you had to find your way here.

The fact that you are aware that you are worrying too much about that which you have no control at least shows that you are not without hope. There are things that happen in the course of life that we cannot control, such as getting cancer, losing one's possession in a fire or theft, getting fired from one's job, stuff like that. But there is one thing that we can always control, and that is the way we think about things. I've seen a guy with a simple hangnail fret and moan all day to the point where nothing else got done. I've also seen a guy with terminal cancer in my chemo ward who made the whole place laugh. The hangnail was just a hangnail, and cheerful attitude did not cure the cancer, but each made themselves far more miserable, or far more happy, than the situation dictated that they should be.

If you are the religious type, now would be a good time to seek guidance from your place of worship. If you are not religious but would like to consider the possibility that you have a greater purpose in life, may I suggest you make time for a reading of the Gospel of Matthew? (it is available online, but I always find a deeper connection made when I can sit or lay quietly with an actual book) Or, if religion doesn't work for you, I highly recommend going through a copy of Dale Carnegie's book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living", a book filled with many real life stories on how others overcame their darkest hours that really helped me to take control of the terrifying fear that almost cracked me up several years ago.

Of course, none of that is even necessary if you are simply willing to take some time to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about how you can help others. Besides the pleasant company, taking my mind off of my own problems for a while is one of my own guilty reasons for my continued participation here. The more you are thinking about other people, the less you are thinking about yourself, and the less time you have to needlessly worry yourself, until someday you work yourself out of that habit altogether.

So I guess my opinion is that you should first look into figuring out why you feel the way that you do, and if you make some progress there it will probably help you better deal with potential illness or any other issues that life throws your way.

Good luck, and keep in touch!
_________________
Age 37 (36 at diagnosis)
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 1AE (localized in colon)
Began six cycles of R chop 21 3rd Dec 2008
Finished R chop 21 Apr 2009
Complete remission as of May 2009

rockstar · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:09 pm Post subject: Re: Constantly Terrified

joe couldn't have said it better.

The only thing i have to add is that my mother in law has swine flu and the sweating is her biggest complaint with it. In fact, it is one the symptom markers for swine flu. So if the sweating is from swine flu and the doctor said no swollen lymph nodes, therefore no worries. Very Happy

Did something happen 7 months that made you so pre-occupied about your health? There are many different groups to help you through all your fears, worries and concerns if not through a religious figure, then maybe through a close friend or family member. If it will help, here is an online anonymous support group for hypochondriacs.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Hypochondria/support-group

Stay positive! Smile

_________________
Stage 1B1 Adenosquamous Carcinoma of the Cervix.
Diagnosed 5.7.09 @ age 20
Radical hysterectomy on 5.15.09
Wedding date: July 23, 2010

Vincera · Regular Joined: 17 Jun 2009 Posts: 44 Location: USA

Hi Taylor

The ancient Greeks said “we are what we eat.” Nowadays we also know that
“we are what we think.” I can assure you that none or most of the people here
whom you describe as “courageous” were born that way. Maybe SingleDad was born riding a Harley but he’s really unique.. LOL. It’s a lifetime process to become what you want to be. You’re a young man and you have so much time ahead of you to “be what you want to be”.

Let me share with you my own personal experience. I hope this will motivate you.
I don’t think I’m “courageous” or anything like what you describe, but when I was your age I was a lot “softer” in mind and spirit than I am now. Most importantly, I lacked the spiritual and emotional foundation that I have developed through the years ever since. I am definitely not the same person because I wanted to change.

So please take this friendly, yet firm advice: Start working on your mind, heart and soul
now. I can’t tell you how – you’ll seek and you shall find. Start with changing your user name in this forum. Instead of ScaredAlways change it to something like HopefulAlways. It’s one step at a time, and start exercise always being positive.

Another advice: Look at rockstar's signature: She's getting married next July! Do you get the message?

I’m writing all this to you because I really care. Therefore I’m asking you to start taking care of yourself where it really matters the most now. The doctors will take care of your body. You have to take care of the real you.
_________________
61 y.o M, Diffuse large B cell NHL, stage 3. Lower back. Diagnosed Mid May 09. Completed 6 R-CHOP treatments on 9/8/09. In Remission: 10/19/09

Badri · Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 10:11 pm Post subject: Re: Constantly Terrified

Hi Taylor.

Joepet, Rockstar and Vincera have already put it beautifully. You can follow some of the advice given by them and try out that trick that helps you stay positive.

As one of them has put it, most of us were not courageous in the first place. Circumstances made us what we are and we chose a path that helped us come out a winner.

For a beginning even think of all the positives in your life and compare yourself to the less unfortunate ones who are suffering and are unsure of their future. You will find that you have no reason to feel scared and have all the reasons to be happy and enjoy life to the fullest.

Whenever negative thoughts start creeping in, read a book, take a walk where the mind needs to be alert and is not free to think. Get in to some kind of social work and keep busy.

Keep smiling and spread the cheer.
_________________
Age : 44
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 4
Finished Six cycles of R Chop 14 - 21st Jan '09
Officially in remission 9th February 2009
Remission confirmed 24th April 2009

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