justpat
Regular
Joined: 24 Sep 2005
Posts: 15
Location: United States
|
 Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:57 am Post subject: My Cancer Diary God Bless You All!! |
 |
|
May 26
Chest x-rays at LACC. They treat for pneumonia until June 29 when he gets so sick at home that I take him to hospital because he can’t breathe
June 29
Hospital does an EKG and an XR of his chest. Admit him to hospital. They do a needle biopsy and a thoracentesis w/cath insert. They tell us he has Lung cancer after the xr.
June 30Thursday
Hospital does a CT head w wo contrastand a CT chest w contrast and another Thoracentesis. Tell us that the cancer in outside the lung but attached to lung. They have drained 3 liter of fluid off his lungs.
July 1Fri
Hospital does a XR chest and a CT abdomen w contrast and a NM bone scan whole body. Tell us that the cancer is not in the rest of body, just the lining of the lungs. Tell us that he can’t have surgery or radiation and that chemo is the only thing thing can do They do the first chemo that day at hospital and schedule for more at doctors office.
July 2Sat
He comes home but is still so sick and he hurts so bad from the draining of lung and he can’t get his breathe at all.
July 3Sun
We go to LACC and see Joe. He gives Larry a big shot and he comes home and sleeps most of the night.
July 4monday
Larry talks about the pain in his back but says it is probably from the drainage that they did at the hospital. We have chemo today.
July 5Tuesday
Larry can’t eat anything. He vomits everything he eats also immediately. He is so hungry but can’t eat at all.
July 6Wednesday
We call the dr and he prescripts some medicine to help Larry keep his food down.
July 7Thursday
The medicine seems to help. He still vomits but not as bad. I try to fix soup for most of the time so he can eat it.
July 8Friday
Larry takes Morphine 12 hour tablets 2 times a day and Lora tab to take care of the break-thru pain. He takes medicine for the nausea also.
July 9Saturday
Larry has hic-cups now. From one of the medicines maybe. He hic cupped all night and nothing seems to help
July 10sunda
Still has the hic cups. We have tried everything and nothing helps.
July 11Monday
We have chemo
The doctor gives him medicine for hiccups. He takes it once and the reaction is something wild. It makes him high. He can’t sit still. He says he would rather have the hiccups.
July 12tuesday
Larry feels pretty good today. He goes to shop with me everyday now. He doesn’t stay all day but he goes with me.
July 13Wednesday
Larry says he can’t swallow. He says that he can’t eat anything because it hurts too bad to swallow. I call doctor and he gives us medicine called Miracle Mouthwash that numbs the throat for a while before you eat. It seems to work for a little while.
July 14thurday
Larry has not been able to have a bowel movement for 4 days. He says he just can’t make them move.
July 15friday
I buy stool softeners for Larry and he takes two to see if they will help.
He feels pretty good but is so down because he can’t do anything without sitting down to catch his breath.
July 16Saturday
He has so much trouble just walking from the bed to the table this morning that I have to help him and I have to get him something to pee in because he can’t stand long enough to use the bathroom himself.
July 17Sunday
Larry says all the time that the chemo must be working and that is why he feels so bad and hurts so much. The chemo is making him hurt because it is killing the cancer cells.
July 18Mon
Chemo He feels pretty good today but tells me that he is always in pain. Says the pain is never gone.
July 19Tuesday
Larry did real well today. Says he feels pretty good. Says the chemo must be working.
July 20Wednesday
Is in a lot of pain today. Just can’t get comfortable no matter what he does. Says he wonders all the time if the chemo is the pain or the cancer is the pain.
July 21Thursday
He is having a lot of trouble with breathing and sleeping. He is awake almost all night. He sleeps sitting up most of the night.
July 22Friday
When we go back to doctor he wants to know what he can take to help with the pain.
July 23Saturday
He is all the time telling me that he must be getting better. That it must be the chemo that hurts so badly. That he must be fighting it off so he hurts
July 24Sunday
Tomorrow we have chemo. He is ready because he thinks that he needs the chemo to help kill more and then he will feel better.
July 25Mon
Chemo Starts him on Mophine and Lora tab
July 26Tuesday
He has an ultrasound and chest XR
July 27Wednesday
He hurts badly all day today. Says he can’t wait to hear about the x-rays and see if the chemo is working
July 28Thursday
Larry hurts so bad that he is taking Lora tabs ever 2 hours. Probably about 12 to 14 a day. I am worried about that.
July 29Friday
Larry moans in his sleep now. He moans off and on all night long and he talks about weird things while he is sleeping.
July 30Saturday
Today he is talking about how he will beat this thing. That he can’t stay home when he feels bad because if he doesn’t try to keep working he will go downhill and be worst.
July 31Sunday
Tomorrow he goes for chemo again. I am hoping that this is working for him. He is always anxious to go because he believes that it will work.
8/1Mon
Chemo
8/2 Tuesday
CT Scan
8/3Wednesday
He talks about how Jerry found out and didn’t live long afterward. He sounds as if he is worried.
8/4Thursday
Larry tells people that he is getting better and that he is feeling great. He saves all his energy for shop and when he is at home he does nothing. I fix his meals, cut up his meat, carry his urinal to him and empty it. He doesn’t move for anything while he is at home.
8/5friday
He is pitting up so much now. He is losing everything he eats. He can’t stay to feel steam. I have to hang a sheet at the kitchen door so he can’t tell that I am cooking or he says he can’t breathe.
8/6Saturday
Larry can’t take a shower anymore. He is too weak to stand that long and he can’t stand to smell steam. He sits on the toilet and washes with a cloth and he sits at kitchen table with a mirror to shave.
8/7 Sunday
No One will ever know who he is going thru because Larry doesn’t talk about it that much but I know how hard to see a broken Man. He is just broken. He just hates not being able to do for himself.
8/8 Monday
He only talks about how each pain means the chemo is working and that it is surely killing this thing.
8/9 Tuesday
Larry tells all the customers how the chemo makes him feel so bad. How he knows it is working because he is in pain and it must be eating the bad cells
8/10 Wednesday
I pray a lot for his recovery but I know deep down that this is going to take away my husband. I also pray that if he must die this way then please for God to be speedy. I’m not ready to let him go but I don’t want him to suffer. Just take him now, God, if he must go. Take him now before he has to suffer more.
8/11 Thursday
Oh how I hate to go to the shop on Piney. I sit all the time and figure just how I will handle it all when he is gone. I think about moving back to the little store. I think about if I will just have an auction and sell it all. I think about what I will do with the kids, what I will do with the cars, what I will do with the house.
8/12 Friday
I don’t want this house if Larry goes. I will probably sell it.. Then again I think how I will close off half of it and live in the other half and have a business right here at my house.
8/13 Saturday
Just another workday. I worked 4 and had 2 off at the nursing home and I retired and now I work 6 days at the shop and work all day Sunday at the house trying to clean and etc.
8/14
I think a lot about how to handle a funeral. We don’t have any insurance unless Larry makes it for 2 years. I think how I hope McDonnell’s will work with me and I will pay them a little each month.
8/15Monday
He has Chemo He comes home feeling pretty good today. Hope it can last a while.
8/16 Tuesday
Larry goes to shop for about 2 hours and then he can’t stay any longer.
8/17Wednesday
I try so hard to hide at least $100 each month to cover expenses I might have if something happens to Larry. Each month I have to use it for food or something. I must talk to Downey and see what a double lot will cost and start making payments on that. I can’t seem to get a chance to talk to them without Larry there and I don’t want him to hear me make these kinds of plans.
8/18Thursday
Life as I knew it has been taken away from me. Life will never be the same for me or the kids or Larry. We can’t go out to eat because he might eat and vomit. We just can’t do any of the things we used to do. That isn’t true; we can go outside each evening and sit out front for a little while. He has always done that after we eat supper.
8/19Friday
Tim comes over every night to sit with Larry and I and that seems to give Larry someone to talk to. He just will never be my Larry again. Jumping up every five minutes to do something.
8/20Saturday
Bad Day. Larry is so sick and in so much pain alday. He says he needs to get to chemo because he feels better after he gets chemo.
8/21Sunday
Larry is sitting at table with I go to church with Kim and he hasn’t moved when I get back to the house. Tells me he is hurting bad today.
8/22Monday
Chemo
They give him chemo and some other shots for energy and nausea. Tell him he has to drink more liquids.
8/23Tuesday
He has a CT Chest w contrast and a CT abdomen w WO contrast
8/24Wednesday
I hope that the CT shows that the cancer is contained and not growing. I know it won’t go away but perhaps it will stop growing and that will give him more time.
8/25Thursday
Larry feels pretty good today. He is at the shop all day long but is just so tired by the time he gets home.
8/26Friday
We don’t go to the shop until about 10am today because Larry wants to go but can’t seem to get going.
8/27Saturday
Larry goes to shop but Kim comes at noon so he can go home
8/28Sunda
I don’t go to church today because I hate to leave Larry at home alone. The kids are never at home anymore. They go way too much but I know they can’t stand to be here and see Grandpa suffer.
8/29Monday
Chemo
Regular chemo and regular shots today. He seems to be fine with this chemo
8/30Tuesday
Larry is feeling good today. He tells me that the chemo is killing cancer because of the pain and he goes to shop for the whole day.
8/31Wednesday
I try to talk to him about downsizing the shop and moving back down to Swan ave and he won’t even talk about it.
9/1Thursday
Just another day like all the others. Larry is at the shop all day today and talking about going to a sale with Bubba.
9/2Friday
Bubba takes Larry to sale. It wears him out terribly. Says he goes back to truck and tells Bubba to go ahead with sale.
9/3Saturday
He can’t get his breath and we go to the LACC clinic
9/4Sunday
Larry is still having trouble getting his breath but he just is sitting and not moving all day
9/5Monday
Labor day so we have to have chemo on Tuesday this week
9/6Tuesday
Chemo
Regular chemo and regular shots.
9/7Wednesday
Larry feels pretty good today and is at the shop all day with me
9/8Thursday
Bubba is at shop and he and I are cleaning out all the old and bubba is taking it to dump.
9/9Friday
The shop is looking so much better. We have cleaned out a lot of the things that have been there for so long and rearranged everything to look better.
9/10Saturday
Larry sits at shop all day with me. He seems to feel pretty good today.
9/11Sunday
We don’t do much of anything today. I clean and do laundry and wait on Larry and put things on ebay all day.
9/12Monday
Monday again and I have to go back to that shop. Sometimes I hate that shop. Most of the time I hate that shop.
9/13Tuesday
Chemo
We are still on a Tuesday
Schedule for chemo and I guess we will be unless we ask to go back to Monday again
9/14Wednesday
Just another day in the life of a cancer patient and his wife. Never will be the same again.
9/15Thursday
I sometimes get so tired but Larry can’t do what he used to so I have to try to get it all done for him.
9/16Friday
Bubba goes to sale for us and him and his dad buy a unit and bring it all back so tomorrow we will have to have Todd come down and unload it for us.
9/17Saturday
Todd and Ralph do come down and unload for us. They just bring it right inside the door and I will have to move the big boxes and etc from there. I know I can’t ask Todd to be an adult and help me but Larry doesn’t understand why his Grandson can’t just be there all the time and help him.
9/18Sunda
We are at home all day and I am doing my Sunday things. I really need to be in church but I can’t seem to leave Larry and go and I have so much to do on Sunday I always make excuses and don’t go
9/19Monday
He can’t get his breathe and I take him to LACC and they have me take him to hospital where they after running a lot of tests decide that he needs oxygen because his stats fall from 97 to 82 or 83 when he moves a few feet.
9/20Tuesday
We have oxygen delivered to home. He is on oxygen almost all the time now.
9/21Wednesday
He uses the oxygen all the time now and he says it helps he to breathe better
9/22Thursday
We take oxygen to the shop for Larry so he can use it there. He tries to work on a washer but he can’t stay away from the oxygen more than 5 or 10 minutes.
9/23Friday
Larry comes to shop but goes home early and Kim comes down to help me
9/24Saturday
Larry comes to shop and we stay just until 2:30 because he feels so bad and we are not busy.
9/25Sunday
Just another day at home. One day isn’t enough to get done all I have to do
9/26Monday
No chemo today
9/27Tuesday
Chemo
Normal chemo day. I have learned so much. I used to won’t drive to Columbia and now I have to every week.
9/28Wednesday
We go to shop but come home early.
9/29Thursday
Larry comes home early from shop and I stay and close up
9/30Friday
I pray day and night whenever I see Larry in pain. I don’t pray so much anymore to cure him but to please make it easier for him
10/1Saturday
October already. I count each 1st to see how long Larry has made it. Today he has made it 3 months since they told us on July 1st that he has cancer
10/2/05Sunday
No church again today. God please bear with me and I will be back one day.
10/3Monday
We go to shop but Larry comes home early.
10/4Tuesday
Chemo
Regular chemo today.
10/5Wednesday
He feels pretty good today. We go outside this evening but he doesn’t stay long anymore
10/6Thursday
Larry spends all day at shop but he looks so broken anymore. Just sits on couch and sleep all the time unless a customer comes in then I say Hello and he wakes up so he can talk with them
10/7Friday
It has become more and more clear to me that Larry isn’t going to get well. I mean I knew that from day one but now it clear every time I look at him.
10/8Saturday
When I see the pain and hear the sounds he makes while sleeping I just pray God take him now. I don’t want him to suffer anymore.
10/9Sunday
At home all day and make a roast which is a favorite and Larry tries to eat but can’t eat much and he gets sick and then I fix him some chicken soup
10/10Monday
Go to shop and he stays all day but I know he wants to come home.
10/11Tuesday
Chemo
Just normal chemo day
10/12Wednesday
Larry feels pretty good today
10/13Thursday
Well today it hit him hard. He comes to shop but says he feels awful
10/14Friday
Larry doesn’t stay all day at shop today
10/15Saturday
Larry comes to shop and stays all day but he is so sick all day
10/16Sunday
I haven’t been to church for a long while. God please forgive me. I will come often when this thing is over.
10/17Monday
He is so weak. It is just the most awful thing that anyone can imagine to watch a Man who did everything for himself go down hill so much. To watch him have to ask you for everything because he just can’t seem to make himself get it.
10/18Tuesday
Larry has been having a lot of trouble getting his breath today. Uses the oxygen tank all most all day
10/19Wednesday
Larry complaints of not being able to get breathe today. Used oxygen all day.
10/20Thursday
Sits on couch and talks in his sleep. Says off the wall things that Tim and I can’t understand. Doesn’t remember telling me things.
10/21Fri
Goes to shop after I help him up from bed but sleeps most of the time on divan.
10/22Sat
Goes to shop after I help him up from bed. Stays about 4 hours but sleeps most of the time on divan at shop. Has lost weight until now he weights about 140 lbs.
10/23Sun
Spends almost all day asleep either on bed or on couch. Says throat hurts and orders Miracle Mouthwash so he can eat. Doesn’t eat but very little. Loses all he eats today. Can’t keep anything down all day.
10/24Mon
Has me help him dress. Can’t get up without breathing treatment first. Goes no further than from bed to kitchen table and asks me to do all for him. Get coffee, fix breakfast for him, and Carry all of the things from bedroom to table.
10/25Tuesday
Have to help him get his clothes. Can’t get up without losing his breath entirely and takes breathing treatment before even trying to get up from bed. Still comes to shop and sits on divan. Sleeps a lot of the time on divan. Can’t eat supper at all. Tells me he talks to self when he naps. Tell me he sees things that are in the past and answers questions for people in the past. Says he doesn’t understand why he does it.
10/26/05Wed
Says, “ Ice cream never did hurt until now. The cold always felt good. It hurts my throat and my stomach. Can’t figure out why the pain all the time in my stomach” Complaints of being cold all the time. Not cold in house but he is cold all the time. Sleeps sitting on couch most of evening. Talks to self when half asleep but knows he did it. Says he is going to a sale tomorrow in Nashville. I look at family room and he is asleep on couch all leaned over. I going to get off now and help him go to bed.
10/27Thursday
Larry went to sale with Bubba. He took his wheelchair and Bubba pushed him. He said he wasn’t going to go to anymore because he was so tried when he got back
10/28Friday
Larry was so sick today. He came to shop for ½ a day and came home at noon and Kim stayed with me
10/29Saturday
Larry came to shop but was very ill all day and came home early.
10/30Sunday
Larry slept almost all day today and when he was awake he was complaining about pain
10/31Monday
Kim went to shop with me and Larry stayed home until noon then he came to shop until 2pm and went back home.
11/1Tuesday
Chemo
They did Chemo at Doctors office today. We made appointment to get a port put in so they won’t have to go thru the arm any more.
11/2Wednesday
Appointment with Dr Gorski about putting in the port. She will do it on the 7th of Nov.
11/3Thursday
Larry has been sick all day. He says he hurts all over
11/4Friday
Went to Medical Building to get CT scan. He says when we got to dr on the 7th he is going to demand the doctor tell him what is happening with cancer. Sitting on couch tonight he says he is afraid to know but he wants to know if the cancer is getting better he just doesn’t want to know that the chemo is not helping.
11/5Saturday
Kim is going to shop with me, as Larry just feels bad this morning. He has been at kitchen table for 2 hours now and he is talking to himself each time he drifts off to sleep. He sits all leaned over the table and just stairs into space most of time. He turns on TV in dining room but I don’t think he watches it. It just stares into space or makes sounds that sound like he is pain and talks to himself. He doesn’t tell me about the pain unless it gets bad. He doesn’t tell me he is in pain 24/7 now. He says it doesn’t ever go away. The pain is now up and down the middle of his front and also in his back. Larry sleeps almost all evening in front of TV. He spends a lot of time staring into space and talking to himself while half asleep.
November 6, Sunday
Larry has started spitting up blood. I thought I saw blood yesterday but today I saw it for sure. Tomorrow he has the port surgery. I am really scared of his being put to sleep because he has so much trouble breathing now. He is afraid also. He has told me over and over that he is afraid of going to sleep because he has so much trouble breathing he is afraid he wouldn’t be able to wake up. He goes in for surgery at 7am tomorrow and then we go to the doctor and then to chemo. The doctor should have some information for us about the CT scan they did on Friday when we see him. He has lost more weight again. He weights 137 now. He tells me he hurts all over like having the flu. Says his joints all hurt. Says he has a headache a lot now.
November 7, Monday
Today we went to cancer doctor. First we had a port put in and the surgery went very well. Then we went to cancer doctor. We had chemo thru the new port. The cancer doctor made an appointment for tomorrow with Dr. Blunhardt to see about draining the lung again as it is 2/3 full of fluid. It has taken 4 months to get this much fluid in it so I think that is good. They want to either put in a permanent drainage tube or do the talc thing that glues the lung to the chest wall so it can’t fill up with fluid again. Both are painful and I don’t want Larry to have to go thru this thing again. Neither will prolong life so I don’t see why we have to do it. Perhaps the doctor will explain why. Below is a poem I found that I liked.
Feeling Inadequate
Restless oh so restless, in the middle of the night,
I reach over for my diary once again, in which I write
My feelings, hopes frustrations, my ups and downs, my fears
That perhaps I am not coping, understanding's not quite clear.
Of what is needed from me, to help him through this time
Of horrible uncertainty, we've mountains yet to climb.
I've kept results and records, of treatments, tests, no less
And keeping up this journal, I find helps relieve the stress.
So now another entry's duly written down to keep
I'll replace my diary, and settle down to sleep.
By Wendy, Bedford.
November 8, Tuesday
Today we go to the lung doctor. Larry read the information I printed off line and he is not sure about it. The first thing he said was this doesn’t treat the cancer does it.
This morning I found him sitting up in the bed holding the phone and saying “There isn’t anyone on it. They must have hung up. I wonder why there isn’t anyone on the phone.” The phone had never rung. It scares me. I’m afraid it is traveling to his brain now.
November 9 Wednesday
Isn’t feeling well at all. Next Wednesday we go get the tube he has to swallow.
November 10, Thurd
This was a bad day. Larry stayed home all day today and Kim helped at the shop. He said he didn’t move off the divan all day. He says he is so weak and so light headed all the time. He needs to drink more water
November 11, Friday
Larry stayed home again today and Kim went with me. Says he hurts all over. Can’t remember a day when Larry stayed home let along two days. He hurts so badly and he says he just too weak to drive or even ride to the shop.
November 12, Saturday
Larry stayed home again today. Three days at home. He has been vomiting all day today he told me when I came home. I hate to be down there and him here and none with him. Gives him too much time to worry about his condition. He is coughing a lot again and vomiting without eating. I tried and tried to get him to go to LACC but he refuses. I am so sure he dehyated again from all the vomiting and not drinking fluids. He drinks coffee but never a full cup at a time and he is forever asking us the fix him a cold drink but he drinks maybe ¼ glass and it just sits there. Says his stomach hurts terrible. Like someone is kicking him in the stomach all the time. It is so awful to watch and know he is suffering and you can’t help him.
November 13, Sunday
I get up at 4am so I can stay my ebay and he sleeps just until 6am and now he up at kitchen table. He got a letter from Becca and he so loves it. It is so cute.
I write in this little journal because I want to read it after he is gone and I want to be able to help someone else know how and what they can expect when they have a loved one in this condition. I really think a lot about how I will support myself after he is gone. No insurance, and they are taking mine away also. I know that being 63 in July I won’t be able to draw from his Disability until I am 65 and my little 696 a month won’t be enough to hold me over until I am 65. I will lose the car, the house, the shop we are buying. I don’t know what I will do. I think about maybe closing off the house and living here in just the bedroom and TV room and the other bedroom and computer room and kitchen. That would be all I need but unless I can make an apartment upstairs also and rent it out I still can’t afford it. Where will I go? Where will I put the twins, how will I survive without the money from the shop. Should I have an auction and sell all the things at the shop or should I close off here and bring some things here and then how and when will I ever get more to sell. How will I even get ebay items to sell to help me with expenses? Can I make it here with a shop attached and can I go to Nashville and buy for myself. I could probably get a ride with someone or have Bubba take me but I can’t afford to pay Bubba and I would need to get the things back to me. I need to be paying on lots for him and me so when he goes I have a place for him. I need to be paying the funeral home now so there is some money already there to help with the expenses. I need so much I can’t think it all thru. God help me when this time comes.
November 14, Monday
We were supposed to go to doctor today and Larry cancelled it to go to a sale in Nashville. It is raining and cold and he should not be going but away he goes. I worry so much about him doing these things but I know that this is what keeps him alive.
11/15 Tuesday
Went for Chemo today but his white count and all the other counts were so low they did not do chemo. He came to shop after going and stayed for a couple of hours with me. They didn’t give him anything to increase the white count I don’t believe.
11/16 Wednesday
We went today for him to swallow the tube. Afterward the doctor came to our room and said he didn’t see any tumor in the windpipe but he saw what he thinks is a tumor at the back of the mouth or back of tongue and wants us to see a ear, nose, and throat spec to have this checked out. Also wants us to see a doctor about draining the fluid from his lungs. They can only drain one and he has multiple fluid pockets. I don’t see why they would drain just one.
11/17 – Thursday
He is just getting out of bed. Lois and Charles were down yesterday and visited us and he had lots of questions for Lois. He is sure if he is going to try the new things or not. I want to have a Going Out of Business Sale and close the barn down and then re-open on Swan Avenue when the weather gets better. I haven’t told him yet but I am sure he will say he won’t do it.
11/18-Friday
Larry felt so bad he didn’t go to shop today. Kim went me to the shop for the day.
11/19 Saturday
Larry went to shop with me and he seemed to feel pretty good until about noon and then he got feeling bad and we closed at 2:30 and came home
11/20 Sunday
Larry doesn’t seem to be hurting too bad today. He ate a big breakfast. He has been laying on couch all day covered up and says he is cold and the temperature in here is 70 72.
11/21Monday
Larry was so sick today. Couldn’t eat at all
11/22 Tuesday
Todd went to the sale today for Larry. He was so sick when Todd came back he just couldn’t even look at what we got
11/23 Wednesday
Larry felt a little better today. He spends all of his time sitting in front of TV. Too weak to do anything else.
11/24 Thursday
Still sick today. He will not get better I don’t believe.
11/25Friday
This is the worst thing that I can emagine. I fell so helpless. I just can’t help. All I can do is sit and watch him go down hill.
11/26Saturday
He is always asking for something new to eat. Things sound good in his mind but when you fix them he can’t eat them or loses them as soon as he eats them.
11/27Sunday
It is so awful to watch a man that never asked me to do anything for him now not even to be able to stand up and use the bathroom because he is too weak.
11/28Monday
He is too weak to walk to car without help now
11/29Tuesday
Chemo today. He usually feels better after Chemo just the first day
11/30Wednesday
He has been too sick to eat anything today after chemo. Is vomiting all day without eating. I am trying very hard to at least get fluid in him.
12/1/Thursday
Got some chicken broth down him but he lost it almost as quick as he ate it.
12/2 Friday
Still can’t eat. Seems that liquid is the only answer for him. He does keep some of it down.
12/3Saturday
Christmas will be nill this year. I’m just not up to it. I can’t leave him long enough to even think shopping.
12/4Sunday
Larry couldn’t eat eanything all day. He vomited all day long without eating.
12/5 Monday
Kim and I went to shop. Didn’t sell but $5 all day.
12/;6 Tuesday
We decided on a name for the shop at Swan Ave.
12/7 Wednesday
Larry is so sick but at least he feels as if the chemo is helping because the tests show that it is not worst, not better, but not worst.
12/8 Thursday
No one at the shop with me today. Denise and Tommy came down and stayed with me for a while. I will be so glad to get back to Swan Avenue.
12/9 Friday
The shop is almost empty. I don’t have anyone to go with me today as Kim is sick with the flu. I offered to drive Larry down so he didn’t have to drive and he wouldn’t go.
12/10 Saturday
Today is moving day at the shop. It is so cold and I hate to go down but I will be so glad to get to Swan ave.
12/11 Sunday
Got all moved today. People have chipped it and helped so much with everything.
12/12 Monday
Larry is just getting weaker and weaker. His daughter lives about 600 miles from here and hasn’t made it down yet but we are going to have an early Christmas with her 12/17.
12/13Tuesday
Larry is looking forward to seeing his girl this weekend. He is so tired but he will try to sit and visit while she is here.
12/14Wednesday
Today he is so sick he can’t put his own shoes on. He gets dressed everyday and sits on the couch.
12/15Thursday
His daughter called tonight and told us she will be here on Friday. He tried to talk but gave me the phone because he couldn’t talk. Too weak.
12/16Friday
He has lost probably 40 pounds since July and is so weak
12/17Saturday
Had early Christmas with his daughter and He enjoyed it but of course he couldn’t eat. He did eat the pie but it came back up
12/18Sunday
He loves his daughter and grandchildren but he told me after they left he was glad they were gone.
12/19Monday
Is having so much trouble breathing and his right shoulder and back hurt him so bad. Seems that if I rub his back ever so softly it relaxes him and he can breath better for a while.
12/20Tuesday
Chemo today. Got also a shot for vomiting. Hope it will work a little.
12/21 Wednesday
He is having so much trouble swallowing now. He has so much mucus and can’t seem to get rid of it unless he vomits.
12/22Thursday
We have found that Musix that you buy at the store helps somewhat with the mucus problem.
12/23Friday
He is so weak he just doesn’t even dress anymore. He does however come from the bed each day and sit on the couch.
12/24Saturday
He is so strong and doesn’t ever give up. He is getting weaker and weaker and I feel so helpless.
12/25Sunday
Christmas is just another day to me. Don’t want to leave him and opening gifts seems just silly. I just want to wait on him and take care of him while I can.
12/26Monday
I can see him going down hill. He doesn’t seem to notice. He is a strong man and he doesn’t ever tell anyone he hurts or feels bad except me.
12/27Tuesday
He is weaker everyday. I have to help him from bed to couch and he uses oxygen almost 24/7 now.
12/28Wednesday
He has never mentioned dying in all of this time. He says to do so would be to give up.
12/29Thursday
This is the most awful thing for the caregiver. If you don’t have support get it. You feel so helpless and you want to help and there is nothing you can do. That is not true. You can be there for them. You can forget house keeping, etc. and sit on the couch with them even if you don’t talk. You can be there to listen if they want to talk.
12/30 Friday
He has sit up to sleep for probably the last month. I have eight pillows on his side of bed and he sits there and sleeps next to me.
12/31 Saturday
He looks so bad. Color is gray, eyes are starting to sink back from weight loss.
1/1/06 Sunday
I thank God for letting my husband see the new year. It is one day at a time but I hope the days are many
1/2/06Monday
He is looking forward to chemo tomorrow because he thinks it will help him feel better again.
1/3/06Tuesday
Chemo today and he is just so weak that he can hardly sit in the recliner at the office to receive it. Doctor has ordered a scan for tomorrow to see how much fluid has built up again.
1/4/06Wednesday
We go to get the scan. Of course we won’t know anything until next Tuesday when we have the next Chemo
1/5/06Thursday
Larry is taking so much medicine that he is not completely with us now, but he stills gets up and sits on the couch each day and talks to me.
1/6/06Friday
He looks like a skelton. His bones all show. There is no fat left. His eyes are way back in his head and he is in so much pain most of the time even with the morphen and other pain medicine.
1/7/06Saturday
He hasn’t eaten anything for probably 3 or 4 days. I am still trying to get fluid down him so he isn’t so dehydrated but it is hard because he vomits even the fluid.
1/8/06Sunday
He is no better or worst today that any other day. He comes to the couch to spend most of day and I sit with him and get him whatever he wants. He goes in to lay down for a while and when our son comes in he gets up to come to the couch to visit. He is very confused. He tells Tim he will be late for work because it is 7 oclock but it is 7 pm not 7am. We go to bed as usual and he sits up to sleep.
1/9/06Monday
He awakens me at 3:20 a.m. Tell me he needs help to sit up and the urial to use the bathroom. I believe he had several TIA’s during the the night because I can’t understand him but I know what he wants and help him to use the urial. I help him with this and after he sits there for a few minutes and tries to tell me something that I can’t understand. When he realizes that I don’t understand He manages to lift just one hand and dial with his finger. He was telling me to call the doctor. He must have felt that he was in serious trouble at that point. I reach for phone and call 911 and by the time I dial he has fell back on the bed and he is gone. I am told that the death was caused by Acute Respiratory Failure. The fluid around the heart had built up so much that he couldn’t breath any longer. When the rescue team arrived they told me he was straight line and asked me what I wanted them to do. Without even thinking I told them to leave him. I loved him very much but I could not see them trying to bring him back to suffer any longer. I had prayed everyday to God to cure him but it he could not cure him to take him without anymore pain and I believe his and my prayers were answered when he fell back on the bed and just went to sleep.
I hope this will help someone out there with what they are going thru. Never forget that as a caregiver you have the responsibility to talk of normal things to the person, To find things they can do even if they are confined to a wheelchair or a couch. My husband wrote all of our checks, decided what I needed to buy for our little shop, etc. right up to the day before I lost him. Be sure to keep the person needed and loved. To have everything stripped from you when you were a strong independent person must be the most awful thing in the world. I hope that Larry always felt that he was helping me by paying bills, etc. right up to the last day. I never wanted him to feel as if he was a burden to me in anyway. I will miss him everyday of my life but I am so glad he is without suffering now. I hope reading this will help someone out there to make it thru this time with someone you love. If I may suggest it this little diary of mine that I wrote in daily helped me so much to just write down my fears and hopes and my love for my husband.
I have with the help of my son made our home into my shop now so I can stay here and still have some income from the shop. It is all going to be OK. I visit the grave almost daily and talk to him there and tell him how things are going and somehow I get strength to go on from those little talks. God Bless you and help you thru this time in your life!
_________________
Living and Loving One Day at a Time!! |
|
brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 5617
Location: Tennessee
|
| Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 10:18 pm Post subject: I am so sorry justpat |
|
|
I rarely read threads in this particular forum because I know so little about Lung Cancer. However, tonight I started reading your "diary." What a courageous way to use this forum! As I read, I felt myself pulled in to your family’s life and struggle. By the end of your last entry, I was crying. Even as I write this reply, I find myself needing to stop and cry a while. Your story and your husband’s story touched me that deeply! I don’t know what else to say but that I am inspired by your husband’s struggle to live and your courage to stand by him to the very end.
_________________
Jim
Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Twitter: @JimHawkins54 |
|
Search 
Email Digests
Register to post
Profile 
Check private messages 
Log in
What is this ?
We subscribe to the HONcode principles. Verify here. All content and posts are copyright.
