Advice please

Gareth · New User Joined: 08 Mar 2006 Posts: 1 Location: England

Hi,

Firstly I must say that after reading some posts on here in search for the type of info I'm after, I find the courage and bravery of so many people here truly inspiring.

My girlfriends mum has cancer that has been diagnosed as terminal (forgive me but I cannot remember the exact type). Over the last 6 months her mum has been receiving chemo and at the moment the cancer has shrunk to a level that is almost classed a being in remission, which is fantastic. However when she had one of the breaks in the chemo, the cancer count rose quite quickly. My girlfriend has explained to me that there are only so many courses of chemo that her mum can undergo. These 2 facts combined recently to cause my girlfriend to ask "what happens when she can't have any more chemo?".

Her mum is one of the bravest people that I have met and her determination to beat the cancer seems endless. My girlfriend and her mum never talk that the cancer will ever beat them.

I suppose this is where I need some advice if possible: while I understand that a cancer sufferer and their family must remain positive and determined, is it dangerous to have the denial that there is a chance that the cancer will win?? I worry that because they have fought for so long with such passion, that my girlfriend is perhaps unprepared for what the future may hold and that should the worst ever happen, the shock will be devastating.

I feel terrible for even having these thoughts but I love my girlfriend so much that I want to be able to support her the best that I can. I can't have this conversation with her because I don't want to be the person who mentions any "negative" thoughts.

I hope, with all my heart, that the determination of her mum beats this terrible disease but if anyone has any advice I would be extremely grateful. Thank you.

cjago · Regular Joined: 14 Jan 2006 Posts: 42

If your m-in-law has been diagnosed as terminal, do you think your g/f really thinks that the dx is wrong? It's possible, but reasonably unlikely.

The thing you need to consider is whether they both know perfectly well that your m-in-law is going to die, but are keeping up a brave front for each other. That has a big plus in that they can be as cheerful as possible (cheerful is much better than despairing) but might mean that they leave talking about death until it's too late. Obviously this will only matter to your g/f. And it might not matter to her, if there's nothing that she would feel needs discussing, even stupid stuff like funeral wishes. If they have a very close and loving relationship, maybe there isn't anything.

If your g/f is in fact being brave for her mother, you need to be the person that she can admit reality with if she wants to. I couldn't possiblt advise you to raise it with her, because I don't know her or you, but you can at least be aware for any hint she might want to talk about it.

Good luck.
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adenocarcinoma of the breast, now widely metastatic (stomach, liver, pelvis, pancreas, bones, skin)
survived 11 years so far

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