all I have left is coping

bob macneil · New User Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 2 Location: new jersey

In short:

In my lifetime I have lost 4 close relatives to cancer. Between 2003 and 2004, 3 of those 4 were taken just months apart from another. Among the three most recent, my mother JoAnn unfortunately was one. She had just celebrated her 50th birthday, as I just celebrated my wedding. No more than three months pass after my September wedding when the reality of not having a mom hits me like a ton of lead. My world changed in ways I could never have imagined. I have a handicapped sister who has now become my responsibility. Of course, I would have it no other way, but imagine the stress that puts onto a newly married couple. (we're doing good, my wife is a saint, and without her help I don't know where I'd be)

However, with everything seemingly crashing down around me, the only thing that keeps plaguing my mind, is what my mom said the day before she passed. "I will never get to see my grandchildren." (considering my wife and I have yet to have any) and I think that will stay with me the rest of my life. I then thought, my children will never know their grandmother. I decided to not let that happen.

I am an artist, and sometimes I feel what I do has no real relevance to it. I'm not curing cancer, I'm not solving the world's problems with my ability, so what does it all mean??? Why was I given the shot at making art my profession, when my mother an artist herself (who decided to give birth to me at the young age of 17 and wave her chances at becoming successful herself in a creative career) never had the opportunity. Are the reasons I have honed my abilities some unknown forces way of preparing me for this reality I now live. I figured, maybe... so I'm setting off on recording my mom's life so my (eventual) children will have a way of knowing her.

I know it may be of no comfort to those of you who have suffered as much as I have. I know what I have to say may only be relevant to my case. However, I may be able to shed some light on what some of you may also be experiencing. At least I can offer some insight to this disease and perhaps let those of you out there know, you're not alone!

I have set off on the challenge of creating an illustrated book dedicated to my mom and her memory. This book will hopefully, for my children's sake serve as a time capsule of her life, so they can know how much of a strong impact she had on me and the people around her. And hopefully, for those of you who don't have a connection that I imagine my children will, I also intend on sharing any info I have consumed over the years from my experiences with this disease.

If you are interested in experiencing what I have to offer, please visit my blog which is slowly becoming that virtual time capsule I strive to create.

I also encourage anyone who is interested in contributing or adding their opinions, to please contact me. I'd even be happy to just say hi!

Thanks everyone, for your time

my blog can be found here:

bobmacneil.blogspot.com

Bob MacNeil

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi Bob,

My sincere sympathies to go out to you...

I think what you're doing for your mom is just beautiful. Your mom will be able to see her grandchildren, believe that. When the time comes, when you and your beautiful wife have children, your mom will come around as often as she wants. You'll feel her presence. She will be watching over you and your family, protecting and guiding you. She's your angel up above.

God bless...

bob macneil · New User Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 2 Location: new jersey

Hi missumom,

Thank you very much for your kind words. When I originally signed up on this forum, I had read your post titled, "Help me grieve..." as well as many of the other stories here before I built up the courage to post my story. I felt similarly to what you had said about not wanting to talk about it too much, not wanting to put people off or become a nuisance. And it made me unsure if I should post at all.

I have (with alot of other things in my life) internalized my losses. Especially in the case of my mom, and I have come up with ways of keeping myself very busy. (this book idea for example) and I have found it's helped me deal with it better. I'll admit it, sometimes it's a way for me to hide from the reality of it all, but it's also a way for me to do something (my art) that was regarded very highly by my mom (considering she never realized and developed her potential) and by doing what I love and ultimately what she loved, I somehow feel a bond to her that I can't explain.

I think what you did (writing down you experiences) was an amazing idea. Especially in the mind frame you were probably in at the time of writing. You recorded the raw feeling. Years from now, I believe that writing will become your most cherished possession, because you'll never be able to recreate that emotion as years pass and fade the memories. I suggest to maybe even take it further, and like my example, write about a good memory you have with your mom. ( I say "good" because from what I understood in your thread, you recorded the experiences you had, which when dealing with cancer tend to not be good) But use this good memory as a tool to pick you up when you have a bad day, or use it to expand into another good idea, the potential is limitless...

I lost (in my lifetime) 4 relatives to cancer, the first being my grandmother when I was 12.. I'm 34 now, and it hurts me, but even though my grandmother and I were extremely close (she practically raised me) I can't remember much about her... I know I was young when she passed, but I know if I maybe had the foresight to write something down, I wouldn't feel that I forgot, and feel so much emptiness when I try to recall things about her.

Either way though, I wanted to also extend my deepest sympathies to you for your loss as well. It will get better over time, just cherish the good times and like you said, know our passed loved ones are always there for us.

I like to think they go somewhere (who knows if another somewhere exists) and they join a team (for example a baseball team, if you're a baseball fan, if not insert favorite team activity:) ) and the whole purpose of this team is to look out for your best interests and pursuits in life. So essentially our loved ones who passed on become this huge team of support in your life... this sort of backup that somehow reveals itself when needed and provides that extra level of comfort we all need sometimes...

I know that may sound goofy, but as an artist it's my job to be goofy, and it's also a nice thought I carry with me that makes me smile.... Smile

and as they say laugther is the best medicine...

thanks again and thanks for reading my babble....

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi Bob,

For the past couple of months, I have been doing quite well. Although, I miss my mom and remember her several times everyday, I haven't been dwelling in sadness. I'm trying to remember all the good that my mom has given me, but I'm afraid I'm falling into misery again.

Her birthday is coming up -- April 26, and it's totally freaking me out. God, I can just lose it right about now Crying or Very sad

but, I'm trying my best to keep it in. I was doing real well, almost back to my regular self, well almost, but now, I'm just a mess all over again. All the effort I put into lifting my spirits up just seemed to be wasted.

I'm going to try my best to shake this off because I know my mom wouldn't want me to be like this....just needed to vent...thanks,

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