Should brother be told he is dying?

may · New User Joined: 12 Jul 2006 Posts: 3

My brother living overseas has been diagnosed by the doctors that he has advanced liver cancer and only has between 1 to 3 months to live. He has lost a lot of weight, his skin is now yellow and his eyes are yellow. The scan showed cancer has spread fast and the hospital refused to admit him. Doctors said he is inoperable, and told his son his serious conditions. However, the doctors did not tell my brother how sick he was. Instead, they prescribed tablets (probably pain killers) and told him to go home, rest, take tablets and when he is well they will operate.

I wanted my nephew to tell his father that he is really sick and only has some months to live. However, he did not want to do it and said his father knew - even though no one said it to him.

I am very torn in my heart because I think he should know so he can put his affairs in order while he can and live the remaining days in peace. I am thinking of going to visit him and tell him - if no one else does.

What do you advise that I should do? I know my brother will be devastated on hearing the news of his conditions. And, he will probably not cope too well. The doctors said it was not their job to tell my brother.

isidella

This is very complex. there are two schools of thought on this. Old school: people do not need to know they are dying of cancer. New school: People deserve to know what they are up agagnst in order to educate themselves and to put up a fight.

I know things sound hopeless, but for the benefit of other people who may read this, there is always hope. There can be cautious optimism, because we all die eventually, of something, and for many of us, it will be from cancer. But, there is not one type of cancer from which someone has not survived. I have never seen a cancer patient who put up a fight saw that they wish they had not fought. But I have seen a couple of patients who decides to do nothing, later wish they had tried some kind of treatment for the slim possibility of a cure. It is a very personal decision. What does your gut tell you to do?

Your brother saw one doctor and they sent him home with pain pills to die, and misinformed him that he may be eligible for an operation at some point? That is just bad medicine. Your brother needs a second opinion. His "liver cancer" may be a particular cell type that responds very well to chemo.

The following story shows the importance of a second opinion. A man goes to the ER with weight loss, chest pain, shortness of breath. The ER docs do a chest X-Ray and see that in between the lungs, there is a huge tumor and some spots in the lungs. There were also "spots" on the liver and other areas. The man was a heavy smoker. The diagnosis the ER docs made was widely metastatic lung cancer, a terminal prognosis. The recomendation was to go home and call hospice. The man was devastated, but his wife insisted that he get a second opinion. The oncologist he saw next did a biopsy and found that the man had lymphoma, a type that was very senistive to chemo. If he had not gone to the second doc, he would have died of lymphoma. But, that man is alive 15 years later!

Time may be short for your brother, and I certainly do not know the whole story, but hopefully the right answer will come to you.
Take care,
Isidella

may · New User Joined: 12 Jul 2006 Posts: 3

Thank you, Isidella, for your reply. I have spoken to my cousin today and he has broken the news to my brother who took it calmly. The sad part is that almost everyone in his family thinks or knows that the doctor has given up on him for treatment, and they all talk behind him but no one wants to tell him anything.

My cousin said my brother believes that he can be cured. My cousin suggested that he may look at alternative medicines - instead of western drugs. I am looking at those - but I am wary that there may be quacks out there too. If they know that I have money and am prepared to pay for my brother's treatment, they will take my brother to the cleaners! He has asked me for money.

In terms of second opinion, what you said was very sensible. However, he went to the top hospital in the country where he lives. Maybe he should ask to see a different doctor. I will suggest it to him. My cousin did say my brother looks really frail and thin and gets very tired easily. So, I just don't know.

Yes, I have heard stories of people who put up a fight and won the cancer battle. But, I guess the patient must have a strong will to live as well.

mousa

Dear May,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother and my prayers are for him.

My husband and I also live overseas. (Thailand.)

Of course your brother knows how sick he is but it's good that he believes he is curable. My husband had stage IV gastric cancer diagnosed in July 2004. Recently PET-CT scans show no cancer. So do not give up hope.

Your brother should have a second, even third, opinion.

Re alternative medicines: My husband is taking (from March 2005 and with the knowledge of the oncologist) a Chinese herbal medicine called Tian Xian. Google Tian Xian and see what you think.

Re support: Please try to get family and friends to be in touch with your brother. He needs their love and support.

Let me know if I can help further.

Love,

Val

may · New User Joined: 12 Jul 2006 Posts: 3

Thanks, Val, for your comforting message. I am leaving for VN (where my brother lives) this Friday to visit him for a week. My cousin has told other relatives about my brother's conditions and some have been to visit him.

I have googled "tian xian" - the chinese herbal medicine. It sounds hopeful for cancer victims. I will look into it further and read up on it. Thank you for that suggestion.

Appreciated your prayers for my brother.

Mai

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