Hope with no hope.

Zress · Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:22 am Post subject: Hope with no hope.

Hello, My names Jesse... I'm 20 years old and live in indiana

Last year my mom found a lump on her neck. after going to see the doctor she was Dignosed with Milignent melenoma. She under went multipul surgerys includeding ( removal of her limpnoids in her neck, full knee replacement and some others related ) she underwent IL2 and Cemotheropy. she had no tumors 8 weeks ago.

on febuary 5th she became dizzy and started haveing problems with her balence and lost perfrial vision in her left eye. we got her to the hospital and they did a CT and MRI of my mommas brain. they found 4 tumors meaning that the melenoma had reached stage 4. they begain doing radiation theropy on her brain that day and got her on Dexidron and Dilidid for pain and to reduce the swelling in her brain. one of the tumors was located in her oscipital lobe and had been bleeding because of the Cemo and the bloodthinners causeing a mini stroke effecting her vision and shortterm memmory.

Febuary 7th she was out of the hospital and came home where she went and played bingo and went to krogers insisting she wheel her self in the wheelchair. she laughed and sang and joked.

Febuary 9th She became violently ill and screaming about the pain in her head weeping she went back to the hospital.

Febuary 10th i recived a call from my pops informing me that my mother had fallen in to a Coma and was unable to be woken up... that morning i had to make the hardest decishion of my life. i had to choose o keep my mom as a vegitable and wait for the cancer to spread through the bleeding to infect the rest of her body. or choose to let her go.

Febuary 15th my momma went to heaven.

and really i'm lost. i just don't know what the hell to do... i'm 20 yers old witout a mom. i just came to try to find some support.. for those of us who have sat in a hospital and thought that every hour would be your loved ones last to know that sick feeling of loveing so much you have to let go... i just kind a need to know where to go now... my mom was a woman of action and love and careing and i want to showthat through me. i need causes to join i need to know how i can help how i can talk of this loss HOW I CAN GIVE HOPE. there was a chaplin that came in during my moms last hours who used the only phrase that came close to the right words. Shes said How do you have hope with no hope. I want to help i refuse to let my mothers death be the end of me. but i need to use this i need to be able to hold my hand out to others. please just i need to talk... it just hurts so bad... i sit in a house filled with flowers and condolances with a heavy heart.

thank you for just haveing a place where i can say these things... a place where some one might understand
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What Cancer takes From Us, We Must Use To Give Hope To Those Who Have Hope.

Jim_Hall · Regular Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 48

Hello Jesse. I'm 20 too. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I don't know what it feels like to not have a mother but I know how rough it is to lose someone. I've also had Melanoma before and I'm still now in a struggle because it may have spread to my lungs. My grandmother was in the hospital for a couple of weeks, unconcious and later died. I know that it is so hard to see someone like that. I feel that it is better to let someone go instead of leaving them there like that. It's not the best way to remember someone, you want to remember the good times. Always remember time will help heal your pain and you will see your mother again. You'll only be away from your mother for a while because you will see her again. Remember that this happened for a reason. Don't forget to pray to The Almighty God always from the bottom of your heart, who will help you with your pain, confusion and concerns. Hang in there Jesse, don't give up.

God Bless

hojo · New User Joined: 04 Oct 2007 Posts: 2

Dear Jesse,
I'm 21 and just lost my dad to melanoma cancer. He was falling and having trouble with short term memory so I took him to the hospital where they did an MRI and found over 6 tumors in his brain and 3 spots in his lungs.

They did whole brain radiation on his brain and he appeared to be getting better. Two days after he finished his radiation, he was having horrible pains in his legs. Once again, we rushed him to the hospital only to discover that the cancer had already spread down his spine. During his week long stay, he lost his ability to walk. They began radiation, but realized that it had stopped working. He also had a severe allergic reaction to the drug he was on and the doctors put him on hospice. I stayed at home with him during the day and took care of him. I could not go back to school because he wanted to be at home and my mom needed to work.

One evening I left for work and also went to see my boyfriend for awhile. When I came home, my dad was sleeping which was weird because he always waited up for me. I told him goodnight, but he didn't reply. When I awoke later that night to give him his pills he wouldn't wake up. He stayed in a coma-like state for a week without eating or drinking. It was horrible to see him that way, and in many ways, the worse part of the whole disease. He died September 6th.

I am also at a lose as to what to do. I didn't go to school this semester because I wanted to spend every minute I could with my dad. So know, my life feels pretty empty during the day and I'm searching for something to do. If you hear of anything, please let me know.

God Bless and Keep being strong. Also, I've found it helps to write down all the memories you have. My biggest fear is that as I get older my memory of my dad will fade, so this helps to ease that fear.

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