If only I could WISH him better.

jenjoey · New User Joined: 23 Apr 2007 Posts: 7 Location: Louisiana

At night I lay in bed (imagining where exactly the PC is) with my hand draped over is side I pray just for it to go away. I feel like I love him enough to where it should just GO AWAY. I need him here with me! I know it's selfish and I know in my head it doesn't matter how much I pray or how much I want it to go away........ it won't. WOW, this is what helplessness feels like. I want this to just be some kind of mistake. I want my happily ever after and I feel robbed. Because not only do I have to live with the fact I am not going to grow old with the love of my life and sit on our rockers by the lake for years, I get to dread the end every single day until it gets here. I know some people say we are lucky.... LUCKY..... yeah that's what they say. Because we actually know there will be an end and we get to cherish evey moment and not take life for granted. That sounds great in theory and all. But it's the quiet tears at night that they don't get to see. It's the sorrow and the pain to KNOW for a FACT that the one you love the most will be gone and you WILL be alone here without them......... IT SUCKS!

brainman

[quote="jenjoey"]At night I lay in bed (imagining where exactly the PC is) with my hand draped over is side I pray just for it to go away. I feel like I love him enough to where it should just GO AWAY. I need him here with me! I know it's selfish and I know in my head it doesn't matter how much I pray or how much I want it to go away........ it won't. WOW, this is what helplessness feels like. I want this to just be some kind of mistake. I want my happily ever after and I feel robbed. Because not only do I have to live with the fact I am not going to grow old with the love of my life and sit on our rockers by the lake for years, I get to dread the end every single day until it gets here. I know some people say we are lucky.... LUCKY..... yeah that's what they say. Because we actually know there will be an end and we get to cherish evey moment and not take life for granted. That sounds great in theory and all. But it's the quiet tears at night that they don't get to see. It's the sorrow and the pain to KNOW for a FACT that the one you love the most will be gone and you WILL be alone here without them......... IT SUCKS![/quote]

This is an absolutely beautiful and loving expression of your grief, Jenjoey Crying or Very sad

I do not know what it feels like to loose a soulmate to cancer, but I truly believe you do. Sad

. I do know what it feels like to loose a child... not to cancer but to the eternal mystery of life and death. My oldest daughter died many years ago. I remember praying: "God, don't take her. Take me in her place." That was 27 years ago and I still wish God had taken me and left her to live a full and productive life Sad

. The Eternal Mystery often leaves us with unanswered questions and a life long pain. Oh, yes, like goldring said, "Life should be continue," but I find little comfort in that. I actually find more comfort in heeling to the Eternal Mystery your last two words.... IT SUCKS!

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Jenjoey. Keep us informed.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> The Lounge	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others