SOSCARED!!! mORE NODES!!!

duniegirl · Regular Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 12

Hi all. I posted this morning and in that short of time I have even more nodes. The collar bone nodes are bigger. And I was just at the obgyn yesterday and the grion was clear. Now it is swollen two or three nodes there. He gently showed me how to check, But these are making my hip and leg ache. So I looked down and my heart sank!
I have this sinking feeling I have cancer.

I have ent appt monday but wonder if I should start calling the wonderful big cancer places. I live in southern calif. So I guess we have a few. WHo needs to see me before the dx???? Onc or ent??????

If it is will I live long enogh to raise my 5 and 7 yr old????? Will I be able to drive them around????
So silly. I am heart broken. My heart is in my throat.

Pls help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need prayers!!!!!!!!!
There is hope right??????

God bless, Deena

jfkbluecircle · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:28 am Post subject: Re: SOSCARED!!! mORE NODES!!!

Oh, Deena,
I am so sorry for your uncertainty. That kind of fear can be so painful; I know how hard this must be for you right now, not knowing, thinking the worst things imaginable.

But, there is SO much hope for you. SO much. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I can remember vividly those feelings of hopelessness, unbelievable terror, and feeling angry that things seemed beyond control.

First: you are doing the best you can for yourself and those you love. You are seeking medical intervention, talking to doctors, getting referrals and tests. This part is the hardest because sadly we cannot see around corners. I know you will find the answers you so desperately need from trained professionals. It may seem like an eternity, but you will find your way through this very dark time.

Second: you are doing the right thing by posting here. It is so important to be able to share what is happening to you. Sometimes we want to protect those closest to us from our negative feelings and thoughts. This forum is an amazing gift to people like you who are suffering with the kinds of feelings you are having. Please, please, please, keep posting here. I know others will respond; your story is a familiar one for many of us. Another thing that often helps people is to talk to a therapist or counselor who is trained to help people through times like this.

Last: you are very much in my thoughts and prayers. I have asked my mother (who is a member of a large parish in NW Indiana) to put your name on a prayer list. When I was sick years ago, there were literally thousands of people praying for me. It must have done something, since I am still here and I know my recovery was guided by a source of strength and power beyond myself.

You are not alone, Deena. You will make it through this. I wish I could do more than just read your posts and respond. But, I am here for you, as are others on this website. We are here for you.

Wishing you peace during these difficult days,
Jessica

duniegirl · Regular Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 12

Thank you for your kind words. I feel better having other people praying for me as well. I was in a panick last night. After an unusually good night sleep I am more positive. However all of the nodes I have mentioned are all big and puffy and .........there.
Tomorrow I have a plan. Going to ent but also calling the City of Hope and seeing how and when I can be seen. If that takes toolong then I'll call UCLA. At least I'll feel better knwoing I am not just standing around rotting from cancer.
Thank you for your kind words and prayers. What kind of cancer do you have? How long now?
Please write back,
God bless, Deena

jfkbluecircle · Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:57 pm Post subject: Re: SOSCARED!!! mORE NODES!!!

Hi, Deena,
I am glad to know my little (albeit windy Smile

) posts can offer some comfort to you.

I had Stage IIIB Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's ten years ago when I was in my mid-20s. My treatment was typical for the type of lymphoma I had, 12 doses of ABVD (abbreviation for very longly-named chemotherapy) once every other week for 6 months. I was able to avoid radiation since the tumor sites were so diffuse throughout my body and thankfully the chemo got every last cell. I just celebrated the ten year anniversary of my diagnosis this very week. Having cancer was one my greatest teachers. Things are not so taken for granted, like love and happiness and health.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, as I know you will be going to the ENT specialist. It's good that you are taking an offensive stance with your health. It will help you a lot to feel more in control; the other side of that, however, can be the amount of 'information' you are able to find on the internet. That can be unproductively worrisome.

I hope you get a good night's sleep and that you awaken tomorrow refreshed and ready to face your day. Please, let me know how things go with the doctor and also how you are doing, too.
My very best,
Jessica

PS: (Just to warn you, I might sound a bit kooky here Wink

). : I am a doctoral student in Composition and I am a firm believer in the power of the word. Have you ever kept a journal? It might be a good outlet for expressing those things which are too overwhelming to tell anyone. It can also be a powerful means to stay focused on gratitude for the good people and events in your life. Just a suggestion . . . I have kept journals since I was seven (almost 30 years) and they remain my most consistent companions and confidants. You may find that you can preserve yourself in those pages; and knowing that you are still YOU can make a very huge difference when the "going-ness" of life (as opposed to the 'beingness') gets nuts. I hope I am not sounding completely bonkers, but writing has been a good help to me to stay focused on the here and now, and also to remain focused on the promise of the future when the here and now gets to be too much.

summerlover55 · Regular Joined: 22 Mar 2007 Posts: 22

hi deena! wow.. what you are going through brings back many memories for me!

for me, the waiting period of not knowing was the absolute worst of everything! well so far.. (im 1 month into treatment) but you know what.. as worried as you may be it's in God's hands! you have my prayers!

and don't even talk about "how long will i be around" because you are not going anywhere!!!! they will take good care of you and it is treatable! about the not being able to drive your kids around.. you may be a bit tired at times but mos tof the time you should be able to and if not i'm sure many people will be there to help you out!

i'm here for you too! good luck!
<3Courtney

duniegirl · Regular Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 12

Thank you all for your replies. So many encouraging words. I saw the ENT today. He felt the nodes but said nothing was big enough for him to cut out. Like last year's node was quite big. The collar bone node (which I hear is more troubling) he said is tiny and no concern. But it is swollen there and anyone can look at me and see slight swelling above the collar bone. And a few tiny nodes. He obviously didn't feel the new groing nodes since he's an ENT!!!

Wed at 7:45 I see a new hematologist. She is going to do blood right there in her office and do an exam at 9. My husband is going to come with me. This way I will have one good opinion. The City of Hope will not even see you unless you already have a dx of cancer.

So today was kind of a waste of time. Why would the collar bone be swollen and puffy??? It makes no sense. But some of you have said to put it into God's hands. And that is all that is left to do. Probably will not be anything anyway. Just have had night sweats and fevers and all overpain for over one year!!!!!Yikes!!!!

Thanks to you all.

God Bless, Deena

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