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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
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 Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:28 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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~ Friendship Prayer ~
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day
And may their arms be too short to scratch.
AMEN
 My kind of prayer.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:49 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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NOAH IN 2007
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared ,
"I'm about to start the rain!Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:01 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:03 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Colour IS GOOD!
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,
I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to
Be complicated and it would solve my physical
Problems. He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with bright colors... Greens,
Yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an
Entire bowl of :
Mixed Color MNM s
And sure enough, I felt better immediately.
I never knew eating right
Could be so easy.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:11 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had Spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad Kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had "Fun" with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.?"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 10:50 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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*** COLONOSCOPIES***
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where NO man has ever gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "You know, If we were in Tasmania, we're now legally married." - USA = in Eastern Kentucky? 
5. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
6. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
7. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."
8.. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:25 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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"Nurse, Nurse!, quick get on the internet and look up SURGERY.COM scroll down, and hit TOTALLY LOST icon."" said the, you got it, Doctor.
Pepsi Factory- Boss- "Your FIRED Jack!!!, The lab results just came in. You tested positive for COKE! " 
A women went to a wishing well... "I wish for no Hosework, no cooking, no cleaning...." -PUFF- she turned into a man.
~ Robin Williams. " ar, yes, divorce, the Latin meaning to rip out a man's genitlas out of his wallet."
~Tom Clancy. "I believe that sex is the of the one most beautiful, natural, wholesome thing, that money can buy. "
~ Steve Martin. " You know "that look" when women want some loving? Me neither. "
~Woody Allen. (umm, too rude. lol)
~ Rodney Dangerfeild. " Biosexuality, doubles your chance for a date on Saturday nights. "
~ George Burns. "sex a the age of 99- is like tryingt o shoot a game of pool, with a rope. "
~ Sharon Stone. "Women might be able to fake Orgasms- but men fake whole realationships. "
~ Steven Jobs (founder of Apple Computers) " My wife always laughs during sex...no matter what she is reading".
~Barbara Bush (Former USA First Lady) " Clinton lied...A man might forget where he left his car, his keys...But a man never forgets Oral sex, no matter how bad". (and you thought she had no humour)
~Roseanne (actress, off Comedy) " women complain about "that time of the month syndrome", but i think of it as the only time i can be myself. "
~Billy Crystal. "women need a excuse to have sex. Men just need a place".
~ Robert De Niro. " According to a new survey, wemone feel more comfortable undressing in front of men, as women are to jugmental. Where as men are just grateful. "
~ Rod stewart. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a women i don't like. And give her a house. "
~Robin Williams (again) . " See, the problem is Goid gives men a brain, and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
 Hope it gave you a laugh and didn't offend.....any comments??
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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brainman
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In
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:34 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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****SMILE FOR YOU****
Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu;
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin,
When he smiled, I realised I passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile then realsied it's worth,
A single smile, like mine could travel around this earth.
SO, If you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected
Lets start the epidemic quick, and get the world infected...
Everyone needs a SMILE
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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brainman
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Thought for the day-
"Handle each situation like a dog,!"
"If you can't eat it or Hump it."
"Pee on it and walk away".
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:22 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Something to brighten your day!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Isn't it great to be a women.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:58 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Tetanus Shot
An 84 yr old man got up and put on his coat.
His wife says “ Where are you going?”
He said “I am going to the doctor”
She said “ are you sick?”
He said “No.I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills”
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said “Where are you going?”
She said “I’m going to the doctor too”
He said “why?”
She said “If you’re gonna start using that rusty old thing,I’m gonna get a tetanus shot”
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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TO ALL EMPLOYEES - EFFECTIVE DECEMBER 2007
DRESS CODE
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
SMOKE BREAKS
1. Smoke breaks are taken at your own risk and time.
2. Smoking KILLS and your company cannot be held responsible while smoking in company time.
3. When ever a smoke break is taken this is classed as unpaid time or leave as the company can and will not be part of the cause of your death or associated with it in any way.
LUNCH BREAKS
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
that goes to you to JIM.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:13 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, " Mrs. Jones , do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Jones , do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you f*@#$% idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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