Not sure what to do?

modelparent · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 5:33 pm Post subject: Not sure what to do?

Hello

This is my first post and here is my dilemma.

My husband's father has liver cancer. He has just had a tumour removed but has been undergoing treatment for about two months. My husband is not coping well. We are arguing about stupid stuff and he is (understandably) very tetchy. He says is only able to think about his father and work.

We have two young children, a son aged 4 and a daughter aged 18 months. Our son has just started school and is obviously confused with all the adult stuff going on. My son is desperate for his father's love and attention but at the moment all he is getting is anger and is constantly being pushed away. My son is really confused because his Dad is spending most evenings and the weekend at the hospital. My husband is still spending time playing football (soccer) and meeting his friends and continues to put in lots of hours at work. However he will not leave work early to spend time with his children. He criticises his own mother because he feels she has been unsupportive to him.

My husband and I have just had a heated discussion regarding our children. He says he can only think about his father at the moment and that I must be father and mother to our children and am being unsupportive. He has made it clear that I am totally unreasonable and that I must leave him alone, even at the cost of his relationship with his children.

My personal experience of my Mother and Father losing their parents (through cancer and heart disease) was that they continued to be loving and supportive parents even though they were experiencing terrible stress and emotional turmoil. I can't help but feel that once you are a parent (especially considering our children are young) that your children should always be central to your thinking but this is the total opposite to my husband's viewpoint

I do not know what to do. My son is obviously desperate for his father's love and attention but my husband feels that I am being unreasonable asking for him to spend some time with his son. I feel torn and know that whatever happens my husband feels that I am unsupportive and have let him down.

I don't know what to say to my son and am sick of arguing. I would love to hear some advice, even if it is that I am being selfish and should leave my husband alone.

Thanks for reading this.

JECS

In · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:44 am Post subject: Re: Not sure what to do?

JECS,

I truely feel for you!

I Have had many simular "talks Confused

with my husband. We have been lucky that it has been due to himself growing up, rather than health issues.

I also feel for your husband - he is obviously under alot of pressure and has alot of feelings rolling around inside of him. Normaly when things like this happen, you tend to think they should WANT to spend more time-attention and love towards their children. But sometimes it goes the other way.
- Some think they weaken in front of the children, or fall apart. Sometimes they disstance themselves. Or sometimes its the feeling, or realsation that they are not invisable, they you, or heaven forbid- the kids should get sick.

I have many times felt that our "talks" would only make me feel worse (sadder, alone, or misunderstood) So one day I wrote everything in a letter. (just like a old love letters.) But I wrote everything. How I felt why we couldn't talk, due to so many emotions, feelings and pressure. How I needed to put it to paper, so he could read what i was feeling or saying. (often if in black and wite- it's more serious- plus anger or emotions can't mess it up)

Most times my Husband has read, re-read. and really thought about what i was saying- or trying to say. He then knows how i feel and can't interupt, plus I don't get upset and either go off at top speed- Or the tears come and i can't finish.

Sometimes that is all I needed to do- we then could talk- a sit down, relaxed talk. About everything.

If i was you I'd try this- Wink

what would it hurt?.

I would say everything. How you feel. How you felt with your parents illness. But most of all I would make a main topic (son) and stick to this- make it the begining- the most concerned thing to discuss . Otherwise it just feels like everything is the problem.- Don't lay blame Don't say what HE is doing wrong, But what you all can do. How your son feels- Even a example- (son) was sad today cause ..........he wants his daddy.....etc

Sorry for the book. Wink

Hope it helps.

Stay in contact.
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Thinking of you Inica

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