systamatics
New User
Joined: 24 Nov 2007
Posts: 7
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 Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:42 am Post subject: Re: Pancreatic cancer : mom |
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Well the last time i posted in here , was this tread , nov 25\2008
Its amazing and hartbreaking how her cancer spread quickly in the last period.
My Mom has passed away on the 4th of december 08 , leaving alot of confusion and bitterness in me .
the kind of pancreatic cancer she had is very rare , it started around her main nerves in the back , so shes been in pain for the last 3-4 years .
1 month before her death , when she was in pain 24\24 , the doctor came, seeing her in pain , ordered to give her more morphine , more xanax , more valium , and more 3 or 4 other drugs .
seeing her after 2 hours again , and still in pain screaming , he broke down and cried , went to his office locked the door ,and all the floor could hear him cry.the pain was unbarrable , anyone passing by that floor would be deeply hurt .
she was a brave woman , she took the pain most of the time , she was strong .
the last 2 weeks , the doctor managed to find a mix of medicines to ease her pain , still her pain came from time to time .
at that time the cancer spread to all the surrounding organs , she stopped eating or drinking , she stayed on the medicine bag and the nutrition bag all the time , we got her back home and the insurance company dealed with a homecare company , to get nurses to our home .
the last 10 days before her death , a mark in my life that i will and could never forget ... the 10th day before her death , i woke up , went to her room . she already stopped talkin, her left hand was paralyzed 1 month ago cuz of a tumor that grew in her head , but her face.. it got very week , her left eye ball went to the left , while the right eye stayed where it is , she got malformed  . everytime i looked at her , i couldnt look but to run out of room and cry , what hurts most , that when she wants somethin she cant talk , but make sounds , and no one could understand what she wants , once she wanted to talk to my brother who works in the uae , he called and only talked to her , and all what she could do jst make sounds , she was on drugs all the time , so shes wasnt awake and aware all the time , once she smiled to my little 2 years old nephew .
3rd of december 2008 . her legs are cold . and so are her hands . asleep all day long . her pressure is 8\4 , her lungs got filled with water few hours after , at around 8 we called for an ambulance and took her to the hospital . there the doctors examined her , and said , and i was standing there , " u know her case , ur only hurting her by bringing her to here , take her home and stop the nutrition bag " , hearing this i knew shes dying , stoping the nutrition bag means killing her , taking our decision to stop her life , i went to a bathroom there and broke down in crying .
bringing her home , the ambulance people brought her back on the bed , lying her on her back , for the 1st time in 10 months , she could sleep on her back , before she couldnt but to stay sitting.
my sister stopped the nutrition bag . at 1 am i went sleeping , while both my sisters and the sister of my mom stayed up with her reading from the holy book over her head .
december the 4th 2008 , 2:35 AM , hearing the sounds of crying in my sleep , my sister opens the door and wakes me up sayin " get up , moms dead , get up and stay with dad " , untill now im still in shock and i cant get or understand what happened , i went to her room , she was on her back , with her mouth open , no movement , no life , no breathin , no nothin .
what hurts most that i ddnt say goodbye , i ddnt kiss her before her death , or even after her death , cause of some emotional problems that i have . wish i stayed with her a longer time , wish i spent more time with her , now i know that i more than miss her ..
i have this record where shes speaking with my brother on the phone and with his little daughter , its in arabic , i mixed it with a song called trust for the cure . hope ull like it.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/mjaiet
Thank you. |
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Adagio7780
Senior User
Joined: 09 Jan 2009
Posts: 111
Location: Charlotte, NC
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| Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:32 am Post subject: Re: Pancreatic cancer : mom |
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systamatics, I want to offer my deepest sympathy in this time of great sorrow. Do not feel that you did not say 'goodbye' or kiss your mom. Your love and dedication were evident to her and to all throughout her illness. From this low point of grief, build your memories of your mom starting with the little smile to you nephew, and then back to the happiest times of her life, even back to when she was a child. Know that death always comes, and there are few happy endings, but many happy memories. Good luck to you as you go forward, and come back here and write when you can.
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Man tracht, Got lacht (Man plans, God laughs) |
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