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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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FOR THOSE OF
YOU WHO PLAN TO BE GREAT MUMS,
THOSE OF YOU, WHO ARE
GREAT MUMS,
THOSE WHO HAVE GREAT MUMS AND THOSE OF YOU
WHO HAD GREAT MUMS...
Real Mothers don't eat
quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real
Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in
the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that
dried play dough doesn't come out of shag
carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the
vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask
'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says,
'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a
child's growth is not measured by height or years or
grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mum to
Mother...
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do
anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A
whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't
really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE -
Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16
YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly
old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman?
She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she
might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE -
Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.
45 YEARS
OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about
it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over
with Mum.
The beauty of a woman is not in the
clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way
she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen
from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her
heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman
is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is
reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she
lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty
of a woman with passing years only grows!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
 9 Lives and still kicking |
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In
Moderator
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Champagne
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day
for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said
the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses
he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and
for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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In
Moderator
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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for the Aussies..
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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In
Moderator
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook
myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .... what'll it be?'
The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and
please be reasonable.'
The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in
bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the
time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for .... a good man.
'The genie let out a loud SIGH and said, 'Let me see the bloody map again!'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: jokes |
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We are STILL laughing about this one- we took copies to the Radiation unit to share....
BANNED FROM WAL-MART...........
This is why women should not take men shopping .
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get i n and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trai l of tomat o juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'
Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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brainman
Site Admin
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Posts: 5617
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:55 pm Post subject: jokes 2 |
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This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds during the day...
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chip
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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ChemoMan
Moderator
Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 1067
Location: South Australia
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| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:04 pm Post subject: A guy walks into a bar |
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A bloke walks into a bar with a duck on his head
The bartender say " Can I help you"
The Duck says" Yeah can you get this blokes head out of my arse"
_________________
Age 52
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008
Remission confirmed 1st October 2008
Remission confirmed 17 June 2009
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9620
RULE NUMBER 1.....Don't Panic
RULE NUMBER 2..... Don't forget Rule number 1 |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: jokes 2 |
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: Jokes 2 |
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An elderly man in Iowa had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
(Some old guys can think fast.)
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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brainman
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: jokes 2 |
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The Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
'Who is it?', calls one of the nuns.
'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
'Nice boobs,' says the man, 'where do you want the blinds?'
I've got more
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: jokes 2 |
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Subject: Science question
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
"You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued...
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 353
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: jokes 2 |
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting
the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march
down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls
himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday..'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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ChemoMan
Moderator
Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 1067
Location: South Australia
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| Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: Aussie humour |
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Get some inta ya
http://www.hutton-web-design.co.uk/tanker.html
The front fell off
_________________
Age 52
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008
Remission confirmed 1st October 2008
Remission confirmed 17 June 2009
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9620
RULE NUMBER 1.....Don't Panic
RULE NUMBER 2..... Don't forget Rule number 1 |
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