How to help my children

JLC · Regular Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 23

My mom has stage IV pancreatic cancer that has metastacized to her liver and abdominal lymph nodes. All treatment has been stopped and Hospice has been called in. We were told a month ago that with luck we had six months.

I have two children, a three-year-old daughter and a twelve-year-old son. My son is having a very hard time dealing with this. He and my mom were very close. She has been sick for almost four years and he knew she wouldn't get better, he just never thought she would die from it. He has become very withdrawn and has only cried once that I know of. My mom is very disoriented and has said some very hurtful things, things that I don't think a twelve-year-old can begin to digest. I don't allow them to be alone for this reason.

How can I help him? I have been looking around for therapists that have grief counseling experience, but so far no luck. I am having a hard time dealing with it myself; not just the disease but the meanness and cruelty that has been directed at me. My own childhood was far from idyllic and this has triggered some bad things for me. I am an adult and can rationalize all of this despite the pain, but what can I do for my son?

simplyklb · Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: Re: How to help my children

First of all, be there for your son. Let him know that you are there for him.

In August 2003, we had a heartbreaking thing to tell one of my nieces when she was just eight years old. Her maternal grandfather had been in a one-car accident. After he got to the hospital and before they took him to surgery to fix his perforated bowel, he had a spinal stroke. He never gained consciousness again. Six days after the accident, they started weaning him off life support. The doctor just did not believe in shutting off the machines all at once. It took him from the last CT scan at 10:00 AM on a Saturday until 3:00 PM the following day before he passed away.

My eight year old niece didn't want to hear about death and dying. I know that she does not really talk about her Papa too much anymore.

Kristi

In · Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: Re: How to help my children

It's so hard when it comes to children. They are far wiser than we think- but still too imature to take it all in.

Be there for them both. Maybe his school has a therapist?

Try to sit everyone down, you, your partner?, and both children- so a open discusion. and talk about it. About how the medications and pain, can cause people to become different. How it can make them say things hurtful, as they are worried and scared. How we all have to be there for that person and try not to hear those bad words.

Maybe you need to take some time alone with him, take him somwhere special- new, so he can't leave- park? Try to sit down. sometimes if you start, tell him how you are feeling, how those words upset you. Let him see your feelings too, he might share his own.

One of my Family friends had a simular thing happen- but grandfather. He was really mean and said alot of bad and nasty things. One night, after they had dinner. Her Husband and Her had a conversation- and made it out as personal- stood a few feet away, while the children had desert. The children "over heard " it. Sometimes the things they over hear tend to be the things they think is true, and what your keeping from them. It worked for them.

With Children the best advice is a proffessional one- try to get help as soon as you can.

Thinking of you and your little family.
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Thinking of you Inica

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