I'm so scared

Trudy · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: I'm so scared

Hello,
I have been here before...my 84 year old mother has NSCLC stage 4 and started Chemo this past Tuesday 6/3 and I feel I am waiting for the world to collaspe, in waiting for her to begin to get sick, lose her hair and all that goes with Chemo and this ugly disease. My Mom has lived with us for the past 27 years as my father died of colon cancer and he was so young 59 at the time and here we are again...she is so upbeat and thinks she can lick this thing if she follows the docs orders...
I guess I just needed to talk.......I am struggling so much....
my mother is a woman of great faith and I know God is with us as we walk this road...
I am just scared as I want to maintain my strength to continue to care for her and give her all she needs...
I sit here here tonight and the tears come too quickly...
it really is good to know you all are out there...
thanks for caring and for listening...trudy

Tera · Senior User Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 187

I know how you feel Trudy, believe me, I know. I know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you anticipate and wonder what the next days and weeks may bring. It is a scary feeling to sit there and anticipate everything that could happen. It is easy to worry, isn't it?

I can tell you I did the same thing. I can also tell you that half of what I feared did not happen. I think we worry so much that we anticipate the worst. Maybe that is a defense mechanism.....anticipate the worst so when it happens, it won't hurt so much.

Take heart in the fact that you are not alone, many, such as I, have walked this path before, many walk it with you, and many will in the future.

While I can't tell you what the future will hold, I WILL tell you this: it is a trying time for you but I PROMISE you will look back on this time and realize just how close you and your mother became during this difficult time. It DOES draw you closer and the end of life does bring mixed blessings with it. You will treasure the time you spent with your mom and you will have no regrets.

Your mom has an upbeat attitude like my mom had. She was determined to beat it too. Let your mom set the pace and tone and take your cues from that. Sit and talk alot....you will both gather strength from one another. Take some strolls down memory lane....laugh and cry together.

Pray and you WILL receive strength. If you have a church family, ask them to pray for your mom, you, and your family. Ask your friends. We don't realize just how much strength we have until we are faced with these situations. God WILL give you that strength. At the same time, don't be afraid to cry. I was determined I would not cry in front of my mom and when I did one time, I berated myself for it. My mom's hospice nurse assured me it was ok to let her see me cry. Not to lose control, because I wouldn't have wanted to scare my mom or upset her, but to let her see my tears of empathy, sadness, and love.

My heart and prayers are with you.

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1302

(((Trudy))),

We are here and listening. Of course this is a huge struggle. I know how frightening this is for you. Please follow your Mom's lead and join the fight with her. It's a good approach and will help you focus on some good that will come from treatment.

You are a wonderful daughter to care for her so many years. Your bond and love for her is so obvious. Continue to be there for her as you always have.

God will support and give you the strength to face the unknown.

Keep her hydrated, make sure she takes her anti-nausea meds the night of chemo and for several days after. If she's made it to tonight without nausea, she probably will do okay. She will feel like she's has the flu or extremely tired for several days, but that will pass.

Take care of yourself in this whole situation too!

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Trudy · Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:27 am Post subject: Thank you so much

Thank you so muc for being here for me.

To wake up and open my email and find such love and encourgement was a gift to my heart this morning.

It's being able to share with another who has been on this road before that is so precious to my broken and tired heart.

Today is a new day and Mom and I will do fun things together, I am grateful for each day she can.

Better to live in the moment than in fear. I will give my emotions to the Lord and allow Him to lead the day ( the best I can Smile

Again thank you both for your encouraging emails, what a gift you both are to me.

God bless you with His presence today,
Trudy

simplyklb · Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 9:58 am Post subject: Re: I'm so scared

Hi Trudy,
First of all, you are not alone. There are many of us here on this journey with you.

Some days I think that things are OK. Other days I am scared as hell. I know a lot of people are looking out for us. I know God is watching over us.

Kristi
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

Trudy · Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: Re: I'm so scared

Dear Simply,

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Did I read it correctly that both of your parents are battling cancer and both were diagnosed May 2008?
I am so sorry for you are walking through...it's tough enough when one parent is sick, but both...I am so sorry.
You were so kind to encourage me...please know my prayers are with you as well...
although this cancer is an ugly thing....it is good to know we are not alone in facing it.
Take care of you.

Trudy

simplyklb · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:51 am Post subject: Re: I'm so scared

Hi Trudy,
Yes, both my parents have lung cancer. I won't lie... It's a very difficult journey for all of us. In all honesty, I truly hate cancer. I say that a lot.

Prayers to you and your family.

Kristi
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

koikkeril · Super Moderator Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 334

Hello Trudy,
Sorry to hear about your mum, what a wonderful loving daughter you are having looked after your mum all those years after the death of your dad. I am sorry to hear you are having to go through it again...
God is looking out for you and the journey is rough and scary. Take everything slowly and enjoy those moments you have with mom and take those special pics.
Tera has said pray to God and he will give you strength and he will! We are also keeping you in our prayers.
God Bless, keep us informed, we are here for you, koik

Trudy · Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: to Koik

Dear Koik,

You are an amazing woman. I so appreciate your encouargement,
not just to me but to every single person who comes to this forum.
Thank you for who you are,
my prayers abound for you and your sweet husband.

Trudy

84 yr old mother NSCLC Stage 4

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1302

Hi Trudy,

Just checking in to see how you are holding up and how your Mom is doing. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are both very brave women.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Trudy

Hi PBJ,

I took my Mom to the hospital today ( Friday 13 ) and they admitted her. It appears she has pneumonia.
She had her first round of Chemo Tuesday June 3 and did well up till this past Sunday the 8th when the extreme tiredness and some nausea began..
then by Tuesday she was hit hard with diarrhea and her temp slowly started to rise.
I called the Docs on Tuesday they said to give Imodium and tylenol, I did, yet a raspy cough then started by Thursday and by Friday she was coughing yellow mucus and her temp went to 100.1 I called again and they said to take her to the ER...
They put her on a powerful antibiotic and told me her wbc counts were 1.7 and her neutrophiles just as low.
That because of the chemo her whole immune system is jeporadized.
SHe has continued to have her wonderful sense of humor through the day, yet she is so tired.....as I am too...
I just don't know what to think I am praying I get to talk to one of the Oncology doctors in the morning, I want answers , clear answers. How can she endure this Chemo when it threatens the little immune system she has left?
I hated leaving her tonight, yet I new I needed some rest and plan to return early in the morning.
Oh PBJ, Thank you for checking in on me.
It meant SOOO much, more than you could know,
again thank you for your sweet spirit and care and kindness.
I will take this as it comes...
God bless you,
Trudy

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1302

Trudy,

Never a problem to check -- I guess God meant me to ask about you and your Mom right now.

Yes, chemo drops those counts and lung cancer patients tend to be more susceptible to pneumonia because of the lung involvement. Is she taking Neulasta after each treatment to boost her WBC? It takes a little time, but will bump up those counts and make her less likely to encounter issues. I've noticed that it seems the heavier the cancer is in the lungs, the more these types of issues creep up.

This is probably strictly related to the actual lung cancer, but she needs to limit her exposure to other's who may be ill when the counts drop this low. You probably know this stuff already, but I became a real nut-job about germs around my husband. You almost have to become that way to protect them.

Our oncologist automatically put his patients on antibiotics if the WBC dropped below 3 or 4 to try and ward off this type of problem. He also required blood count checks weekly, at a minimum until he saw how well a patient was tolerating treatment. This was how he operated and not all oncologists are this diligent. They should be though. Sometimes things happen very quickly, without warning, and you are caught short with a complication, despite constant monitoring. Are you having fun yet? Rolling Eyes

I'm so sorry that she is hospitalized and hope the IV antibiotics kick this pneumonia's butt quickly. While she is being cared for as an in-patient is a good time for you to catch some extra rest, either in the recliner chair in her room or for trips home for naps. If she is stable enough, a good night's sleep is a definite need for you. Have to take care of the caregiver too!

Please keep us posted and know you both continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. It's one heck of a roller coaster, to be sure, but your Mom's perky attitude will go a long way in getting her back on her feet again.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Trudy · Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: My Mom wbc low

Hello PBJ,

I just got home from the hospital tonight. Mom is at the hospital and so weak and so tired, her wbc count came up to 1.8. My biggest frustration is there seems to be no communication to her or to us as to what is happening and how much more should she edure all this....I just want ot bring her home and do the things she could still do while she has life. This Chemo has brought such a onset of sickness and hospital time and her arms are infiltrated and they can't use her right arm becuase of the mascetomy of her right breast (9 years ago) her arm is so swollen and they need get more IVantibiotics. She has lost 7 lbs and wants to come home....but WHO to talk to. Is this quailty of life? There is so much we do noy feel like we undersatnd I plan to see the Doc tomorrow morning and will ask for time in which he can educate us on her cancer and what is truly best for this beautiful woman. Thank you for listening me ramble
you have bee so good to me PBJ and I thnks you for your sweet heart...I am going to bed now,,,maybe we talk tomorrow...Trudy

84 yr old mother NSCLC Stage 4

brainman · Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: Re: I'm so scared

Trudy, I do not often post replies to you because PBJ is doing such a excellent job of answering your questions and being your supporter and online friend. I am truly sorry about your mother's cancer and current situation. I will be thinking about and praying for her as you talk with her doctors.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Trudy · Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:32 pm Post subject: Thanks Brianman

thankyou for you love and concern, it means to much to me...I bring her home tomorrow and I am nervous about how it will be at home and we will not be retuning to thr hospital, Thank you for your suppourt It so needed and appreciated,,,
Trudy

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