Need help coping with loss

Lostboy · New User Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

I recently lost my fiancee 9 weeks ago to breast cancer, she was 34 and her name was bronwynne. It all begain 5 years ago when we met and after being together for a month we were in love, 2 months after that she was dianosed with with breast cancer and given a few months to live, if the chemo even worked the doctors said. Our world came crashing down, we used to joke before she was diagnosed, that we we had another 70 years to go with each other, how ironic that was. We missed out on alot in the beginning stages of our relationship, we were still in that honeymoon period when she was dianosed. Anyway the doctors were wrong the chemo worked and survived on for another 4.5 years. Those years were tough, the best and worst years of my life so far, family aguments, cancer complications, she dealt with all of this amazing, hardly complained, I didn't mind if she complained everyday, but she didn't, and I think we managed to laugh everyday too. As the years went on she became sicker and sicker, the cancer slowly eating away at her, which begain to put strain or our relationship. The drugs she was on in the end made her a different person, I stuck with her every step of the way, and would do it again. Bron's lifes became so public, poked and prodded by doctors, nurses coming around, the mother in law moved in, in and out of hospital, and hospice, all we had was our intimacy to hold us togther, the only private thing, she and we had. Again they gave her more and more drugs, the last 2 yers of out relationship, intimacy didnt exist anymore, I guess I became a care giver, even brother like, I still loved her more and anything in the world. But I needed attention (selfish I know) but of course she was too sick, depressed, her sex drive was gone because of all the drugs, and she was in too much pain to even think about it. I didn't always want or need sex, just love and companionship. She passed away under traumatic circumstances, I was holding her hand at the time, which was all I, we could do. that was 9 weeks ago and I have been grieving ever since, I slowly went back to work, I still love her and I will for ever. the other night I went out and got drunk. (I have been drinking abit but slowly drinking less as time goes by) I met a girl the same age as myself 32 and went back to her place, and we had sex etcc... it was nice I felt like a man again, I felt a womans touch, someone to talk to, I guess it felt normal, I stayed the night and next day, I left there feeling good about it, but later that day. The guilt hit "I shouldn't have done that, I'm an asshole, too soon what will people think" I talked to a couple of friends about it and they said it was ok to do what I did something in my system i had to get out, I even want to see her again. Is it ok to do what I have done? My mind is a swirling sea of thoughts and emotion that I can't turn off, it has been for years......

brainman · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:40 am Post subject: Re: Need help coping with loss

Lostboy, I am very sorry about your loss. It took a lot of love and courage for you to remain faithful to your fiancee.

It always amazes me how we each respond to deep grief! I do not think you should beat up on yourself for looking for companionship. Yes, it has not been long enough since bronwynne died for you to be over your grieving. It is never wise to make a major decision in the throws of grieving. Nevertheless, your need for companionship is totally understandable. Maybe for now, try to find more platonic sources of support. You do need a healthy support system and not just someone to fill the empty space left by bronwynne.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1302

Goodness, I'm so touched and sorry to read your journey with Bron. Cancer does turn couple's worlds upside down. You're a young man, so I guess the physical intimacy thing was a bigger issue for you than it every was for me. I was in my late 40's when my husband became ill. I know many women who have been in my situation that are much younger. I can say that the physical part never mattered to any of the women I know. Guys are different. My best friend passed away from cancer over a year ago and her husband also had that need for intimacy very quickly. I'm not sure as a woman that I totally understood or respected his choices and thought he equated physical intimacy with love.

I would agree with Brainman (Jim) -- as I so frequently do. Your grief and sense of loss is so new and raw that you're really still in a fog. Any decisions you make should be slow and steady. The rule of thumb I've always heard was not to make any major decisions for at least a year because your feelings shift with the wind so easily. I have found this to be so true and still have no clue what I want to do with my life at almost 8 mos since my husband passed. The caveat here is that I'm older, we were married forever, and have children. I had a complete life with him and don't need to look anywhere else because he was my life.

You are in a completely different set of circumstances, but I'd still say to go slowly, don't beat yourself up over impulsive choices, but learn from them. You're walking in totally new terrain now and you need to tread very lightly. Remember that rebound relationships in a "normal" world are usually not a great thing and what you've just gone through is anything but normal. Have you thought about going to a grief support group? This may be one avenue for you to explore your emotions.

I'm so very sorry -- I know to my soul the heartbreak you are going through. Watch the drinking too. I've found it's very easy for us to drown our sorrows in the bottom of a bottle, but alcohol is a depressant and you need to go easy. A little is relaxing, a lot is trouble waiting to happen.

God be with you as you face this very tough time in the grief process.

We're here for you to talk and to get some of those feelings aired in a safe environment. So many of us here understand and will be here to help you.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Lostboy · New User Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Sorry for the late post, thank you for your comments all of them helped. more time and passed and a feel happy about what has happened. I realised even though I needed love and companionship, I also had alot to give and sometimes couldn't with bron, couldn't even touch or cuddle her because she was so sore, ill etc... I want to love again, hold, protect, provide, I have alot to give....

I just recently have come back from a short holiday to with my parents, as we all needed a break from everything. That helped alot, I feel refreshed, good about my future. I did my best that is all anyone could have done, I stuck with her give her my life, as long as she was happy, I was too. I should be proud of myself and I guess I am, and I am very proud of her too, I hope I made her proud, I will always love her I know that now...

I am still seeing, this new girl, and I like her alot, she is very uderstanding, we are taking things very slowly, she has given me hope...

I am sorry for others on this forum in pain, I am sorry, let it out, let it out. maybe my story could be simalar to others out there and if it is you are not alone, as you might think, as I have thought.......

I have seen the love and kindness of strangers, the beauty of people, which has raised my spirts, about the world, about life, about everything.....I feel reborn.....EDIT... in saying that, there is plenty more for me to go though yet. I want to give back to others help them as they have helped us in some form or another. Someone said to me "something good will come out of all this" and at the time I didn't believe a word, maybe he was right after all, I'm not completly sure as yet......

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