my poor mom

jessica026 · Regular Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 41

she was fine 9 days ago..was working and doing chemo every week..then we got the results from her latest scan and the cancer had spread everywhere..her liver,spleen,kidneys..well everything Sad

she was givin 4-8 weeks after origanly being given 2 years....she is not even the same as she was 9 days ago..she is barely ever awake and on so many meds that she often doesnt even know where she is.
my dad and her sister have been taking care of her at home and have been doing really great..she said she wanted to be home as long as she could but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES did she want to die in her home, and when it was time to take her to hospice care for the end.
well she hasent eaten in days and the home nurse came out to see her today and suggested to take her there today to see if any I.V fluids might help perk her up a little and maybe we could bring her back home for a few days..i didnt go..i am having a hard time seeing her like that and i have 2 young boys at home to care for as well....she was SPITTING mad at my poor dad when she realized where she was but they explained to her they were just trying to help her so she could speak to us all again and to my boys as well.

I am feeling guilty for not spending as much time there as i probably should but at the same time i want my memories to be of her as she was..not as she is right now.
we worked together 5 days a week and spent our weekends together too so we are super super close,and it is so very hard for me to watch her go down so fast and to see her in pain kills me inside.
i am hoping we can get a few more good days out of her before she goes..i think it will be soon Sad

my mom just turned 49 in january when she was 1st diagnosed

JenniferS · Regular Joined: 14 Jan 2007 Posts: 15

I was very saddened to hear about your poor mom. She is only 49 and so very young - I have tears in my eyes for you, your sister, your Dad, your two young children...I know how devastated you must feel because the same thing happened to my mom. She was diagnosed in November 2006 with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer (had spread to liver, lungs, etc) and didn't even have any symptoms until September. She quickly worsened and passed away at home on January 29, 2007. She had just turned 68.

I had the same pain and guilt that you are experiencing. My son was only 1 and 1/2 at the time and we live in Chicago (my parents live in upstate NY). I went home every other week and made 6 trips home between November and January but still it didn't seem to be enough. It tore me up to be there, it tore me up to not be there. At the end, I knew the end was coming (in her last week, she became bed-ridden, could barely talk above a whisper and was not eating anything) and was so devastated that I sent my husband to be with her for the weekend. She died on the Monday after the weekend.

I have had so much guilt at not being there. I kept telling myself "How did I know it was the end" but the truth is that I did know. I was too afraid, scared, sad, devastated to see her in that state. However, I should have been there. She would have been there no doubt for me. My husband kept telling me that he was glad I didn't see my mom in her end state. Despite everything, all I could remember and think of after she died was her last 3 months. One of the last things she told me was when I asked her if she was in pain and she said "no, not in pain, I'm just in agony". I have heard those words in my head thousands of times since.

I am telling you this because I want you to know that if I could go back, I would absolutely be there. Your children, your job, your husband....everything will be ok without you. Be there for your mom. Be there for your dad and your sister. Will it torment you? Most likely but from the sounds of it, she doesn't have much time left. My regrets about not being with her at the end will be with me forever - I believe that my mom wouldn't have wanted me to see in her that state but I also believe she needed me and I will never be able to change my decision now.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me at anytime at jrseu71@yahoo.com.

I am sorry for you and your mom. My prayers and heart go out to you.
Jennifer

jessica026 · Regular Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 41

I just got back from seeing her...I didnt say I wasnt going to see her I just didnt know if i could handle it..and its very tough to see her like that, but i got there and spent some alone time with her, and she did actually sit up and sat on the edge of her bed (she hasent done that in a couple days) and looked right at me.....I went to her and said " HI MOM" and she kinda looked at me like she didnt even know who i was Sad

I kept talking to her .......she ddint look like it but i knew she was listening cause she smiled when i talked about the boys and when the nurse commented on her pretty necklace i said i had bought it for her for xmas...and mom whispered " baby bought it" and she fell back asleep.

I know the end is soon becuase of they way her chest is looking and the way she is breathing..she hasent eaten since saturday and really hasent drank either, and the administer her meds through her arms..she has a cathater too....

I am just happy she isnt in pain..she hasent had many pain meds either

brainman · Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: Re: my poor mom

Jessica, I am so sorry that your mother is doing so poorly! I can only imagine how much it must hurt you for your mother not to even recognize you Sad

. You are doing all the right things; touching her and talking to her about things that she loves are the only way for you to make contact with that deep part of her where her memories are still alive.

Jessica, you and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

jessica026 · Regular Joined: 17 Jan 2008 Posts: 41

so yesterday when i wasent there i guess she was up and talking and having a great time with her visitors..she was still in and out of sleep but she was involved in the conversation and even asked for a beer..so my dad raced to the liquor store and got her some non alchoholic beer but when he got back she was asleep..poor guy.
sucks that I wasent there for that!....I am having trouble finding anyone to watch the boys so i can get there to see her..I am a single parent, and have bit the bullet and asked my youngest sons father to stay with me for awhile..I am tired of being alone right now, and just want some company

JLC · Regular Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 23

Jessica,

I am so sorry that you and your family is going through this. My mom passed away on June 5.

If it has spread to her liver her liver function may be poor and it may be causing some of the bizarre behavior. That is what happened with my mother.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to watch her deteriorate, of wanting to have only "good" memories. I spent many months after Mom's diagnosis avoiding her and the situation. I also have a small child that made it difficult for me to be there.

Pancreatic cancer is awful for everyone involved. I hope that you can find peace when all is said and done. You and your family are in my thoughts and my heart.

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