| Author |
|
cycl0ne184
New User
Joined: 24 Jul 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Brisbane, Australia
|
 Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 2:06 am Post subject: Maximising time left |
 |
|
Hi
My Mum is 65 was diagnosed with an inoperable cancer in between her lungs about 4 months ago.
Secondary cancers had already occurred in a few other places like her spine and neck.
She had sessions of radium therapy and then chemo.
Spent a couple of small periods in hospital because her blood count was low prior to chemo
About 3 weeks ago she was given really positive news that the primary cancer had reduced significantly in size.
Since then she has gone down hill at a rate of knots with symptoms including extreme lack of appetite, vagueness, saying random things out of context, drifting in and out of sleep/consciousness, muscle wastage to the point where she can't really stand unassisted, can't shower unassisted, sometimes can't feed herself etc and just recently fluid retention. My father was doing virtually everything for her and was in the process of arranging home help..
She was hospitalised nearly a week ago in conjunction with 2 chemo sessions.
On the weekend they told us the chemo was not helping and that she was in the advanced stages of the disease and palliative/hospice care was recommended.
Today they told us she only has weeks left but I think I have known that in my heart for a while.
My father, my sister and I are all terribly grief stricken at having to confront that reality with no hope left be it false or otherwise.
Need advice on dealing with the grief, maximising the time we have left with her...
She is a very proud person who keeps feelings inside, and does not like to make a fuss...
I have been telling her how much she means to me, and that I love her and that she can tell us what she is feeling without having to worry about us and how we are coping - that her feelings and what makes her happy are the most important thing. I don't know whether my getting emotional in front of her causes increased sadness for her or forces her to consider her situation. I have asked her if she thinks she might get better and she said no. I have told her the doctors say her chemo isn't working and should stopped and asked how she feels about that and she says it is ok. She seems pleased at the prospect of moving to a hospice facility closer to Dad & my sister and I have explained that palliative care means she will get more care and attention than she has been getting in a general ward for the last few days.
I have read that this next period prior to her passing is often a good time to re-live memories, and learn more about the parts of their lives you do not know about, but I don't want it to seem like I am pumping her for facts for her eulogy. I have broached some of her childhood memories and she seems to enjoy remembering things and it seems to concentrate her focus/lucidity but this was only briefly...
She has 3 grandchildren, 2 of them are fairly new additions - my son who is 6 months old and my sister's son who is 1 month old and she seems to enjoy their visits...
I'm a blokey bloke and don't generally show emotion but I have been crying quite a lot lately, including now just typing this....not sure if I should talk to a free counselling service my work provides...
Thanks for reading this far and any advice or tips to help maximise the time we have left with her would be greatly appreciated.
cheers
Tony (my Mum's name is Annette) |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
cycl0ne184
New User
Joined: 24 Jul 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Brisbane, Australia
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 8:13 pm Post subject: Re: Maximising time left |
|
|
Mum passed peacefully early this morning. She went knowing how much she was loved and meant to us all.
We will miss her.
Tony |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
bethanyaok
Experienced user
Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Posts: 58
Location: Colorado
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 9:04 pm Post subject: Re: Maximising time left |
|
|
Dear Tony,
I am sorry to hear of your mum's passing. I'm glad Annette left her life peacefully and knowing how loved she was by her family. I lost my dad to lung cancer in June '05, after a two year battle with the beast. He denied his imminent death till nearly the end. A hospice worker told him that most people know when treatment isn't working and death is inevitable. It sounds liek this was true for your mum. On a Wednesday my dad finally admitted he didn't think treatment was working. He cried for two days, lapsed into a coma for 3 days before he took his last breath. It sounds like you and your mum were able to talk honestly about what was happening. And that you had a chance to speak from your heart together before she passed. I am sure that she was comforted by your words and presence.
Being a blokey bloke (is that same as a manly man in the USA?), you can still benefit from talking with a counselor. Letting feelings and tears out will help you to process what's happening for you as you grieve the loss of your dear mum. Australia has some outstanding cancer counseling services, and I think they are free. Try doing a google search for "cancer support counseling Australia" and many sites will come up for you!
Please take care of yourself and be well!
Sending healing thoughts and condolences to you and your family,
Bethany
P.S. Below I've posted a poem about grief that speaks the truth.
THROUGH GRIEF
There is no way round grief, only a way through
Grief cannot be hurried.
You need time to mourn and accept tragedy
Grief and bereavement come to us all.
You will find it impossible to accept.
You cannot believe it has happened to you.
You yearn for them.
Grief is the price of love and being loved.
And you must grieve - you need to release your feelings.
It is natural to cry and sob.
As natural as smiling an laughing.
Do not deny or hide your grief - accept it.
It is a healing process, a way of coming to terms with loss.
Let your tears and feelings come.
Do not bottle them up.
Crying is not self pity - it is a necessity - so cry when you need to.
Eventually you will come through that long, dark tunnel.
© Derek Dobson 2005. Permission to use, copy and distribute any material on this site without fee is hereby granted, provided that the above copyright notice appear on all copies and the materials are not redistributed for profit.
http://www.reflectionsofhope.org/inspirations.htm
_________________
Bethany
breast cancer dx 4/17/00
4 AC, 28 rads, tamoxifen
7 years NED, and counting!
BRCA2+ 2/1/07
Lost Dad to Lung Cancer June '05 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Nalesha
New User
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Location: Durban, South Africa
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: Re: Maximising time left |
|
|
hi
i am really sorry for your loss Tony and Bethany. i guess there is never really an easy way to get over grief and as much as someone might tell you clichés like ''time heals all wounds'' and ''it is better to have loved and losses...'' no one can really say or do anything that will make it better at this stage. The only advise I can give you Tony is to tell your young one stories of your mom so that she will live through the memories that you pass the next generation.
Nal |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
Search 
Email Digests
Register to post
Profile 
Check private messages 
Log in
What is this ?
We subscribe to the HONcode principles. Verify here. All content and posts are copyright.
