The End -- Thoughts on a Loved One's Dying

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Hello All -- Last week my brother's family came to New York where I live and together we relived his life, his grim news of last fall, and his subsequent death eight weeks later of pancreatic cancer. Although very difficult and sad, the days we spent in reflection marked the beginning of real closure for all of us.

Those who know my story know these facts: My brother, aged 60, had no symptoms except a persistent backache when he was diagnosed last October with Stage 4 PC. The weeks from diagnosis to death were spent in and out of hospitals, in and out of pain, on this med, on that med, stent in, stent out, chemo on, chemo off. The outcome was inevitable no matter what the doctors did. Surgery was never an option for him. No matter how much we loved him, no matter how much we prayed for him, interceded for him, bargained for him, he died a week before Christmas, 2006.

New writers to this forum ask over and over again: How will I know when the end is near? Big question. When my mother died of cancer a year ago I asked the same question. The answer would be for me, not her -- I wanted to be prepared. So I read the books, asked the professionals, watched her closely since she was in my care, comparing what I saw with what I was told.

Later, with my brother, I watched again. Kind of a rewind, actually, as the illness gap between my two loved ones was painfully close, the symptoms similar, the disease's target, however, a different organ. This time I kept my own counsel, not treating his dying as some roadmap of morbid signs but instead as the preparation of a human to ready himself for his next journey.

These are my conclusions about "last signs" (and I will use the masculine pronoun but mean no ill respect in doing so): When a human being is ready to leave us, he actually has a foot in two worlds, ours and the next. From time to time, we think he is rallying, that the crisis is past and that he is as we once knew him. He laughs, he remembers, he reaches out, he asks for a favorite food, he enjoys company.

In a blink of an eye he leaves again, falling into a deep sleep, breathing noisily, mouth open, eyes open then closed. Often there is no waking him and so we sit by the bed, reading, praying, waiting.

The routine repeats itself, with added bodliy failures -- until he is ready to leave.

We humans are impatient people. We are used to the quick fix, instant breakfasts, fast food. But we have no timetable on this readiness. We have no way of knowing if there will be any kind of turnaround or when. We pester doctors, implore nurses, beg caregivers. And despite this being the "information age," we are not given any real information at all on anything relating to the process of dying or the person we love nor any solid facts to go by, whether the news we seek is bad or good.

And so we come to this forum, where in anonymity we can bare our souls to strangers going through the same thing, asking questions in words we dare not let past our lips, seeking answers we don't want to hear.

One thing is for sure -- death comes to us all. Those loved ones who have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer know the outcome, whether the days remaining are long or short. The rest of us are often caught off guard by Mr. Death, by the Grim Reaper, Das Earl Koenig, whatever name you want to use, and so go about our lives as if we will live forever. We go to work, pay our bills, eat our meals, take a shower, go to bed. Routine and predictable. But when a loved one passes, we are shocked into such great agony that we hardly know where to turn. We find ourselves alone, left behind to mourn, to count the days until we will see him again, to remember the good days and not the troublesome ones, to recall him as he once was and not as he was dying.

I write today because I have paid my brother - and my mother - their proper respects and it's time to move on. I am approaching 70 myself and thus am on borrowed time. I retired from my regular job the day after my family left. I have children and grandchildren who expect me to do something fabulous with the rest of my allotted days and cannot disappoint them.

I thank all of you who have shared your painful stories with me. You have helped me beyond measure and I wish you peace. For those who come after us, re-read these messages. All you need to know is here.

Big Sister Pat

pooh · New User Joined: 15 Jul 2007 Posts: 7

That was one of the most inspirational things I have ever read,you have a gift of writing & maybe you should go on that . Maybe that is your legacy to leave to your children & grand children someday. Thank-you& take care, Pooh

Cassiel240 · Regular Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 12

Thank you so much for writing that. You really summed things up beautifully and it was really comforting to read. You should think about submitting this piece to NPR or Common Ties (commonties.com). So many people could benefit.
_________________
There's a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen

brainman

Pat, I am moving your thread to the new forum called "Inspirational Stories." It is such a beautiful post!
_________________
Jim
Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Twitter: @JimHawkins54

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 1003 Location: UK

Thank you. A wonderful piece - clear, studied, and beautifully expressed. I shall be bookmarking this for reference - it s a really helpful view.

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Hi Brainman Jim -- I see you moved my "The End" post to your inspirational area. While I appreciate your cataloging, I am concerned that memers of our forum, both old and new, will miss it.

One thing is for sure -- there have been more questions on "The End" than on any other topic once a loved one is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I thought it fitting to post it on the PC site because there is so little hope and people need peaceful closure, if that's all they have left.

You are a fine administrator -- better than most -- and I appreciate your own replies to people in need. Warm regards, Big Sister Pat

Izzy's Mom · New User Joined: 05 Jul 2007 Posts: 6

I posted my story a little while ago and the came a cross your story Thank you I read it and suddenlly began to understand I take the feels one day at a time and don't try to figure out how to feel it can't be done. I'm sure from this being the begining for my dad There will be so many feels untill the end. I now have a place to go and share those feels and not be afraid.

Love to you
Chrissy

cate · New User Joined: 08 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

I am new to this forum and have just read 'Big Sister' on waiting for the end.
I found this site because i was looking for some answers! What you have just written has really helped me. I knew it really and didn't ask the question to whic I didn't want to know the answer. My Husband was diagnosed december 2006 and we were told six weeks after this that his cancer was inoperable. Months left to live with Chemo and months left to live without.
We have just celebrated our silver wedding; a celebration we did not expect to reach. We are thankful to God for the extra time we have spent together.
It has given me time to learn to cope and given him time to grieve with me. When I sob he is there to comfort me in my grief. He is just at the stage of needing comfort himself now. He has been so strong and quiet in his suffering.
20 months is really good don't you think.

I deep seeing the signs you shared we keep going through awful moments and days and then he rallies.

Thank you all so much for sharing I know you will all be a great support and I will try to be a support back to you all. Forgive my ramblings.

Cate

honeysuckle · Regular Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 39

Thank you so much Big Sister Pat. I am now watching my sister of 44 years on her last days, weeks...who knows?

Your story helps.

dragonmom4

hi big sister, I'm Kat , I'm new here to the forums and I found your very easily. my story was moved the inspirational spot as well. keep clutching your faith and you will make it I know it. I think sometimes my husband is still in denial, but everyonce in a while when he's home i wake up to him crying but pretend i'm alseep. i can't bear to let him know I hear him dying inside over me. I guess it's a man thing to act the strong one for the ones you love as they suffer.when deep down they are hurting just as much as we are. you are in my prayers and my heart always, Kat
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My Story : http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7371
~~ survivor fighter; been shot, stabbed, 3rd degree burns, head rammed into window, molestation, rape, and Cervical Cancer twice, been in remission over 9 mnths through level 3 malignance...~~~
AND I'M STILL KICKING!!!!

koikkeril · Super Moderator Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 352

Lovely story and well written, thank you for writing it for us...Koik

Queensland Girl

Hello Big Sister Pat,

Thank you for spending the time to write your very sad, yet inspirational story.

Everyone here has suffered so much, and I personally appreciate your words.

I wish you well.
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Regards,

Queensland Girl

Mum diagnosed June 1993, surgery and chemo died August 1993 (Pancreatic Cancer)
Dad diagnosed July 2007, chemo only died January 2008 (Pancreatic Cancer)

bluek

Big Sister Pat,

Your inspiratonal story meant so much to me. I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer about four months ago. I saw the signs you mentioned when my Dad's life was ending. It was painful to watch but I know he is no longer suffering and has gone home to be with the Lord Jesus. He is in a beautiful place and I will get to see him again one day.

I also lost my husband to colon cancer four years ago. I still miss him. It was a fourteen month struggle for him. I try to remember the good things about my husband and my Dad. That helps me get through all this.

I am helping take care of my mom. My mom is 88 years old and she is very frail. She fell and broke her pelvis while Dad was ill. I do the things that Dad used to do for my Mom. It just breaks my heart because she misses my Dad so much. I know what she is going through since I also
lost my husband.

Thanks again for your wonderful post.
bluek

bs3ac · Regular Joined: 27 Aug 2009 Posts: 11

BigSisterPat i want to thankyou for your post.

I have a relative who is on her last few days from PC and i can relate so much to everything you said.

The part about coming back and forth in both worlds its very true. She seems to be talking one minute and then sleeping in a peacful state the next.

I remember her saying that she was scared a few months ago about what lies ahead and i know she may be fighting not wanting to move on because she is scared what happens after death (macmillians said at the time said she has a few hours left, but she has been fighting to stay for 2 days now).

Its very true what you said about everyone dies. Its a matter of time before we meet again and so its important to enjoy and do well in life.

This experience has rehighlighted the fact that family and love is the most important thing in the world.

God bless you and all that has to deal with the loss of a loved one.

Do not worry everyone dies its part of life. He or She will be waiting for you.

Just think where were we spirtualy before we were born? Life is much more than we know it.

DominiqueP · New User Joined: 14 Oct 2009 Posts: 1

Hello everyone. My name is Dominique and my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer earlier this year. March i think, it's all just a blur now as the time has passed so quickly we almost feel angry that we can't go back to find out sooner.

It started with a terrible spine ache in December last year. Then they thought it was gastritis and then pancreatis. Finally she had to go to India to discover and be properly diagnosed. She had to go through so much pain with tests done but now is on heavy doses of pain killers to keep her comfortable but that doesn't work sometimes either.

She is now having all the symptoms described here which sounds to me like we are now all just clinging to dreams of her recovering. This is such a dreaded disease and so painful. My dad is with her most of the time but her three sons including me dont live with them so have to travel to see her when we can.

It really is a terribly stressful time for all as they struggle to cope with the reality of the situation. Denial is high on some days and acceptance on others. We all know what is coming now but still pray for that miracle which God can bestore upon us at any moment. Any tiny positive sign is relished and we can all smile when she has a good day.

She is just 56 but has two grandchildren of Megan who is 6 and Aaron (my son) who is 2. My dad is 65 and was supposed to retire this year so my mom and he could spend more time doing things together. Now they really do spend a lot more time together than they ever have over the last 36 years of marriage.

God is a healer and even is he doesnt heal my mom from this cancer, he will heal the rest of us who are left behind to grieve after she is gone.

My dad and brothers read the posts and I thought I would also comment as it might help. I will post our families names here so that it may help some day when our children could read these posts.

My moms name is Shirley, dad is Michael, elder brother Leon and his wife Nelum and their daughter Megan, younger brother Andre and I am in the middle with my wife Shalani and our son Aaron. We have quite a few relatives but I wont post all their names here.

God please bring our mother peach and comfort in this time of pain and suffering. Please let this sadness end with love and happiness.

Thank you all for reading and may the almighty god bless you all.

Dominique
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