My best friend's Mom...:(

Crom · New User Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 2

My best friend just told me that his Mom has been diagnosed with colon cancer. They operated to remove the cancerous part of the intestine, but the cancer has spread to her lungs and liver and the prognosis is pretty grim. I've only met his mom a few times, but I feel so distressed over this that I want to cry. A few years ago I lost my Dad to lung cancer and it was one of the hardest times that my family and I went through. I thought that with what I went through that I would be able to just phone him and talk to him about it. Instead I just emailed him my condolences and told him that if he or his family needed anything that they can call me. I feel like such a tool. He emailed back thanking me for offering my help and support. I wish that I could do more but I think the memories of the pain and suffering my Dad went through is holding me back. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thanks.

MarkS · Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 7:29 pm Post subject: Re: My best friend's Mom...:(

Hi Crom,

I understand your apprehension about stirring the pot and reliving the pain of your father's death all over again, but I think you should do it.
You see Crom, you are in a very unique position here and you can do your friend more good than probably anybody else around him - because you've been there. When you tell him that you know how he feels, you really do. It's not just empty words coming from you and he'll know that. He'll know that you really do understand and that means sooooo much.
It will help you too because the two of you will go through this together and you'll both come out stronger - stronger as friends and stronger as individuals. He'll help you as much as you help him.
Trust an old guy who's been around a bit and call your friend.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Crom · New User Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 2

Thanks MarkS, I will give him a call. I went through a lot of emotional pain when my dad was ill. We were never very close in the first place even though I loved him dearly and I know that deep inside he loved us dearly. However, he wasn't the type to express his feelings openly...especially to me, his only son. He was much more affectionate with my two sisters. When my dad and I were in the same room, we might as well have been a thousand miles apart. We never did things together that most other fathers and sons did. I guess that as I grew up, I became very much like him. When I found out that he had terminal lung cancer, I wanted to ask him why he never let me get close to him...and I wanted to tell him how much I really loved him. But I never took that step and he passed away before I got up the courage to express my feelings. I hate myself because of this and I hate that I'm so much like him. But right now that doesn't matter. My friend is what matters to me now. I will call him.

Thanks.

MarkS · Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 10:49 am Post subject: Re: My best friend's Mom...:(

[quote="Crom"]I hate myself because of this and I hate that I'm so much like him.[/quote]

Chances are that your father was the way he was because that's the way his father was with him. We tend to go with what we know. That's human nature but it doesn't have to be that way. You can be what your father wasn't (and I'm not saying your father was a bad man, just that there was room for improvement).
You can't change the past but you can change the future. You can make it so that your children won't have the regrets that you have about your father. You have the power to change this family tradition. It will take courage and it will take effort but it can end with you - and you have an opportunity here to begin that process with your friend.

Good luck and God bless,
Mark

If I can be of any help, I'm here and I'll try.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

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