I need help with a difficult decision

dariad · New User Joined: 13 Aug 2007 Posts: 7

My beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage IV out of the blue in April. They told her 6-8 months without treatment and up to 2 years if treatment worked. She had 3 rounds of oral chemo and declined intravenous when that was not working. Here is my dilemma. She knows this will kill her but seems to have missed the point that since the oral chemo had no effect, the original short timeline is in effect. I spoke with her personal physician on Friday who told me that if she made it to (Canadian) Thanksgiving (in mid-October), "she would be doing well". She's almost 85 and my father, also 85, is quite frail. There are decisions that have to be made about Dad's future and I think she needs to make some plans of her own. How/when do we tell her that her time line is shorter? I have been wrestling with this over countless sleepless nights. My Mum is an amazing woman and a tower of strength, but I'm not sure she wants to know THIS. Or maybe I'm just being a woosey and do not want to be the one to correct her vision of 2 more years. Can someone guide me on this? A friend, who works in palliative care, said "the greatest gift we can give them is honesty". Which is easy to say, but when I look at the woman I love so much, I become a 3-year-old again, not the 58-year-old strong woman she believes me to be. I am more like my mother than my Dad and I know that I would WANT to know, so I am also assuming that she would. Can someone tell me how to gently initiate this conversation? I've never been accused of being overly tactful, so am afraid of being a bull in a china shop and saying something too bluntly. Thank you in advance for any help you can give this grieving heart.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 796 Location: UK

I am so sorry you are facing this situation. It is hard to initiate this kind of discussion at any time.

You say that she was told it would be +/- six months with no treatment, so she has already been warned in effect. The advice that honesty is best is good advice, so I think you will need to start by asking if she has any projects she wants to complete in the next few months, if she has made her will, if there are any outstanding matters that you can help to resolve, what sort of plans she would like to make for her funeral - all are matters that are best resolved ahead of time and while she is able to make decisions.

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