Please help me.... where do I find the strength?

Anguss · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10 Location: England

Mum was diagnosed with a GBM4 five weeks ago. From practically no symptoms apart from some uncoordination on her left side, she now can hardly walk, she is very forgetful, she has severe thrush in her mouth/GI tract making it difficult for her to eat and drink or talk.... The tumour is inoperable. She declined the 6wks of radio/chemo and opted for two weeks radio only. She had deteriorated badly before that started, and she is half way through.

I feel like I am losing the plot. I cannot think of anything else and I am watching my mum die in front of my eyes. I am a midwife and have phoned in sick too many times to count because I just breakdown in tears all the time. I have two children who adore their grandma, and I try hard to be strong when they are around me, but each day I see my mum, I wish it were me in her place.

Six weeks ago she was a vivacious 73 year old. Now she looks like a 93 year old. I am torn into a million pieces.

I lost my dad four years ago (love of mum's life), and the only consolation I have is that he's waiting for her.

How do I go on?

brainman

Hi Anguss, I am very sorry about your mother's GBMIV. My mother died of a GBMIV 10 years ago. My father and I were her primary care providers. She died 2 months after being diagnosed. She too was 73. It was definitely not an easy thing to go through and I am not sure where I found the strength. I was fortunate to be in a very flexible job that allowed me to take off as much time as I needed so that was not an issue. And the fact that I had a history of my own glioma meant that I was not totally in the dark. In fact, my mother had an MRI at the local hospital and was referred to a major medical center. I arrived the day before she was to go. She had her MRI films with her to take. I took one look at them and my heart sank; I knew what I was looking at. It was so big that it was causing a midline shift (left side distorting the line between the two halves of the brain). I also knew that in all likelihood my mother would not suffer much pain. In my case, knowledge helped me.

During the next 2 months, I did all that I could to bring quality into my mother's life. I wrote letters and emailed all of her friends letting them know what was happening with her. I read their replies to my mother. Just little things like that brought joy to her last months.

I have no idea how long your mother has left. I can only encourage you to help her make the most out of whatever time she has left.

You and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Anguss · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10 Location: England

One minute I'm okay, the next I'm balling my eyes out. Your words of identification mean so much Brainman, all I can do is thank you from the bottom of my heart.

ksplat

Dear Anguss
I'm hearing & feeling your pain & anguish for your beloved Mother. I am so very sorry she has been dealt such an awful illness. I am very, very sorry you are on this roller coaster called Cancer.
Spend as much time with her as you can (although I fully understand you have a family, work, etc). These responsibilites cannot be ignored, & of course you have to take care of yourself. Are you able to access some counselling for yourself at present? This would be very beneficial.
I live just over an hours drive from my Bro & spent many a weekend driving to visit him & my family during his 19mth battle with a GBMIV. I always felt it wasn't enough, I couldn't get enough of him, knowing what he was going through. He wasn't alone of course, he has a wife & kids & my Mum & Sister also live in the same place, & loads of friends dropping by to visit or phoning to check on him. I really felt miles away though & will always cherish the time spent with him, especially in his last weeks whilst he was in hospital.
My Bro had hardly a symptom when diagnosed. Just some L side heaviness in his arm & leg. He also underwent radiotherapy which really effected him badly. He was barely able to walk & was suffering terrible seizures after 4.5 wks of radiotherapy. It was ceased & he underwent a 2nd debulking. Although he was initially advised the tumour was "inoperable" his surgeon was prepared to debulk the tumour when needed. Mark had 4 debulking surgeries altogether. His last surgery in Feb this year saw the surgeon place gliadel (chemo) wafers in the tumour bed. He had a couple of months with no tumour growth!
I know Marks' battle was tempered with lots of lows, it is hard to quantify the effects of these as he was such a funny, funny man. Through his illness he kept up with the wisecracks & one liners - I'm sure to keep all of his loved ones & friends "upbeat". He hated any tears or sadness. I remember in the early days he said "don't bring me flowers, I'm not dead yet!"
As Brainman has said it is important to keep the JOY in your relationship with your Mother. Although the memories will be "jaded" by sadness, the fun & joyous memories will give you strength through this ordeal.
I will keep you & your Mother in my prayers.
Thinking of you & God Bless.
Cheers, Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

Anguss · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10 Location: England

Angie thank you for your kind words and practical advice, it really helps me. I have followed your story and I am so sorry for your loss of Mark - what a brave man and a brave family. I appreciate the time you have spent supporting me it means a lot xx
_________________
"Walk Tall Jill"

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