My mother died of GBM exactly 9 years ago 9/27/1998

brainman

Hi everyone, this may be a long post.

Yesterday as I cleaned Mom's kitchen, washed HER dishes, did laundry in HER washing machine, and what still seems like HER house, I could feel her presence and hear her gentle voice. My mother had a wonderful sense of humor. I could hear her unique laughter when I read Inica's joke thread Laughing

I know she would laugh.

I can also still hear the phone ringing in late July and my dad telling me: "There is something wrong with Mom. Can you get down here?" He told me that she had been having problems with her vision for a very weeks and had gone to the eye doctor but he could not find anything wrong so he sent her for an MRI at the local hospital. They were then sent to a neurologist who told them that it looked like cancer but he could not be sure. She needed to go to Nashville for another MRI and further evaluations. She would speak with a neurosurgeon after the second MRI. They were scheduled to go the very next morning. Mind you, all of this took place over a span of only a couple of days.

I rushed home, packed, and was here (my parent's house) in just over 4 hours. Mom seemed fine... except at the dinner table. That is where I noticed something very wrong. I was sitting to her left. Dad was sitting to her right. She asked Dad to call me to eat. SHE COULD NOT SEE ME!!!! I said: "I'm right here, Mom." Then she turned her head laughing saying: "Oh, there you are. I didn't see you." My father and I just looked at each other and I could read in his eyes that this was the problem.

We talked about how long she had been having this "vision problem." I even tested her. If she covered one eye (either one), she could see perfectly. But she could not see anything to her left if she used both eyes. One was obviously over-dominating the other.

The local doctor had given the MRI films to my mother for her to take with her to Nashville. I noticed the brown MRI envelope which I am just too familiar with and picked it up, took the films out, and my heart dropped to my stomach. I am not a doctor or radiologist, but I knew exactly what I was looking at.... a massive growth... most likely a GBM. It was so big that it was pushing her mid-line to the left. At about that time, my father walked back into the room and said: "Do you see anything?" How could I not see? On some of the cross-sections it looked like at least a forth of her left hemisphere and some of her right hemisphere was white... not the normal gray color. I did not go into details but I told him that I could see why the local doctors where concerned and had referred her to a neurosurgeon in Nashville.

It was not easy the next day. She had the second MRI will Dad and I waited outside. I explained to Dad all about the MRI and the strange sounds he was hearing. Finally, they brought my mother out and the three of us went into a small doctor's conference room. In a very short time, the doctor came is. It still seem so surreal. If you have read my story, you know that I too had by then had my own experience with a primary brain cancer. Almost word for word, the doctor told my mother the same thing my doctor had told me almost 6 years earlier. (Pause... it is almost to painful to retell this story Sad

).

With each word, my heart broke a little more. I kept my composure better than I am right now and asked questions that I knew the answers to but I wanted my mother and father to hear from the doctor. (Pause again).

The neurosurgeon scheduled her for a biopsy in a couple of days and told us there was no need for my mother to be hospitalized right then. So we went back home.

The biopsy went fine and my mother was released after a few days in the hospital... but long enough for the pathology report to arrive. It was indeed a GBM Grade IV. It was so large and had so many fingers-like parts that it was inoperable. We went home with a difficult decision for my mother to make. I think she already knew what she was going to do, she just needed time to take in all of the news. She opted for no treatment other than palliative care.

From the time Mom was in her early 40's, she had respiratory problems... Asthma. She used an inhaler several times a day. After the diagnosis, she experienced increasing difficulty breathing. She also started to fall often, get pneumonia, and other complications. I do not remember the exact date, but sometime shortly before Sept 27 Dad took her back to the hospital and called me. Saturday, Sept 26, she started to sleep more and more. She would not eat much and could barely take her medications. She was put on a morphine pump to ease her pain and respiratory distress. I knew that she was going to die soon so I stayed at the hospital. Dad, not young himself, came home to sleep in his own bed but was back before the doctors made their rounds Sunday morning. Around 8 am was the last time Mom opened her eyes and tried to say something. (Pause).

By mid-morning, Mom's breathing kept getting shallower... the type of breathing that anyone who has worked around and with dying people would recognize as the final attempts by the body to get enough oxygen to keep the heart beating. I was holding her hand. Dad was not aware of what was happening... he was watching a church service on the TV. I called to him and said: "It's time." I called the nurse and that was the first time I experience insensitivity from the staff. The nurse came in the room and with a smart a-- tone said: "She is a DNR. What do you want me to do?" I could have slapped her across the face! But I just said "Check her." She did and then she called the charge nurse who did a much more thorough job of checking Mom and was much more sensitive to our pain. The charge nurse told us that Mom's heart had stopped and that she had indeed died.

Nine years latter and I still have a hard time telling this story.

I plan to go to her grave later and to take flowers. I only wish I had given her more flowers while she was alive.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In

Jim-

I'm so sorry for your loss, Even after these years, i know it still feels like yesterday. I do thank you for sharing this little peice of your mum and her story, And i'm sure many others thin the same.

When someone passes, they don't leave us. They are there, watching over us, Careing for us, grieving with us, Laughing with us, and even holding us.
Take Comfort your Mother is there with you. So is your Father. You had a special bond with them both, not many of us have that, you are lucky to have those memeories.

Thanks again, for sharing such a hard and difficult peice of your story.

Inica
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

brainman

Thank you, Inica. I learned to be a caring person from my mother. I do miss her a lot. It is hard to believe that she is dead. Crying or Very sad

_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

jenugl

Hi Jim, As a mother myself, it is so beautiful to hear the love in your words when you speak about your Mother. I can only hope that my kids feel the same about me as is so obvious of your thoughts about your Mother. I think your mother raised a pretty special person. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and memories. I am glad that you have a lot of good memories as well as the sad. Thinking of you always. Love to all. Jen.

kashrel · Regular Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 25

Hi Jim

Thank you for sharing your story. Here is a little quote someone gave me which I want to share with you.

"We do not have to rely upon memories to recapture the spirit of those we have loved and lost.

They live within our souls in some perfect sanctuary which even death cannot destroy" by Nan Witcomb

Your mom is with you always

Thinking about you

Karen
_________________
Karen
Melbourne

In

Jim- your Mother is not dead- she has passed.

She will always Live- In you and your memories.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

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