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In
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 Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 3:42 am Post subject: Jokes- |
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Ok- here is a topic to have some fun with.
All Jokes are welcome- BUT please remember posting policies.
* No Swearing or rude, crude Jokes. No Racist jokes. Or anything else that will offend.
*If any memeber does not comply- the joke will be deleted. And further action may be decided.
We do want this to work and to be fun- some soft blonde jokes, men v's women etc, will be allowed- untill someone personally PM's me with a problem.
Thank you- Have fun.
Inica
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Thinking of you Inica
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Ok- here goes. 
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What should a woman make for dinner?
A: Reservations
ok- thats enough to get it started. Feel free to Pm me or reply- if offended by any.
Inica
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Thinking of you Inica
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:12 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Four blokes are driving cross-country together - one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last from Victoria.
A bit down the road the man from Tassie starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from South Australia asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tassie man says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're laying around on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from South Australia begins pulling out bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Queensland asks "What are doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Queensland opens the car door and throws the Victorian out of the window.
 ( to explain- alot of Victorians ,south Australians, go north for the warmer weather).
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**Administrator**
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:26 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses".
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:43 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Are you tired of those
sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come
close to reality ?
Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy
little smiley faces on this post-
Just the stone cold
truth of a great friendship.
* 1. When you are sad
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry person who
made you sad.
* 2. When you are blue-
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
* 3. When you smile-
I will know you finally got laid, or some money.
* 4. When you are scared of something silly-
I will tease you about it every chance I get.
* 5. When you are worried-
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you
quit your bloody whining.
*6. When you are confused-
I will use little words, mostly of four letters.
* 7. When you are sick-
Stay as far away from me as possible,until you are well.
again.I don't want
whatever you have.
* 8. When you fall -
I will point and laugh at your clumsy arse.
* 9. This is my oath....
I pledge it to the end. "Why ?" you may ask;
"because you are
my friend".
* 10.
Friendship is like
wetting your pants, Everyone can see it,
But only you can feel
the true warmth.
Happy Friendship- Inica
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Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
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In
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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whats the difference between a shopping trolley and a married man?
the trolley has a mind of its own
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a
development that is currently being built near your home and what are the
advantages of this new development.
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain
behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your
parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that
tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking
you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that
appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the
classroom." Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day - Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead
Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't
have to walk so far to get bread and milk."
Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a
carpenter and this permits him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says, "Hey don't rush to get there , it hasn't opened yet!"
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**Administrator**
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In
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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There was a randy wife who was in the mood to pleasure her husband.
"I have this rope, you can tie me up and do whatever you want, baby" The wife said.
So the husband did just that. He tied her up, and went fishing.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."
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In
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:17 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Little Johnnie again..... 
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they Understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six-year-old boy- Johnnie- shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE BLODDY DEAD!
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In
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:29 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Austin Powers chat up lines.
I wish you were a door-- so I could bang you all day long.
(flick drink with finger and wipe on her shirt )Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know juice does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
drinking?
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them
(hope didn't offend anyone.
_________________
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**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
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In
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:47 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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And finally- but not least
Why God made Mums --
Answers given by 2nd grade School children to the following questions!!
* Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
*How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me.
He Just used bigger parts.
*What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
* Why did God give you Your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.
*What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
*What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
*Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
*Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
*What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
*What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
*What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
*If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
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In
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 7:51 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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I did mention ANYONE can add jokes or anything funny right????
Please feel welcome to join in-
Inica
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Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
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SFGiants13
Senior User
Joined: 21 Feb 2005
Posts: 115
Location: CA SF
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| Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 6:16 pm Post subject: Nice reilef! |
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| Thanks for the funny jokes! I really needed some serious relief from the insanity I've been experiencing at school. |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 3306
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:54 pm Post subject: Re: Nice reilef! |
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[quote="SFGiants13"] "some serious relief from the insanity" [/quote]
I know you know what you wrote . Me too.
Inica, I love the jokes, just do not know any to tell. But keep this thread alive as long as you can
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Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:46 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A married couple of 35 years-
The woman was standing in front of a mirror checking her breasts, and asked her husband if she needed a breast enlargment. he said it was too expensive but if she wanted to make them bigger, just rub toilet paper between them.
She looked quized and she asked if that would work, and he replied, "why not? it sure as hell worked on your Butt". (edited )
_________________
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**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:52 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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whats the difference between a shopping trolley and a married man?
The trolley has a mind of its own-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, and surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to check on him.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to check on vitals."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, Has a quick peek. Full of embarrassment, but worried. Says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
I hold no responsibility, for anyone trying this....(Jim)
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
**Administrator**
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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