Issues with Siblings

simplyklb · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:58 am Post subject: Issues with Siblings

Hi All,
I am starting to have issues with my brothers. It's to the point when all is said and done, I may not want anything to do with them. I really don't want it to get to that point so I need some advice.

My oldest brother kind of orders me around... It's bad enough that my dad does it but I don't need it from someone who doesn't live in the household. He tells me that I have to do this and that. It's not so bad with my middle brother because he lives here too. We sometimes butt heads but we work it out in the end. My youngest brother calls and says keep me updated after he gets the update. He's very selfish and it has been noticed by people outside of the family.

I had an incident with my dad last night... My dad has a lot of side effects from his treatment and his medications. It is pretty bad at this point. His worse things right now are his radiation burns in his esophagus and low counts. He is also very confused. He has an appt. with the oncologist for follow-up. I have lots of concerns to voice to the oncologist. Here's my thing: My dad went out on the deck and took a fall. He didn't bother to say anything about the dogs needing to go out... He just did it. He fell trying to put one of the dogs down at the foot of the two deck steps. He comes in and says that he thinks that he broke his arm. I get him in the bathroom and work on getting his cut taken care of since he is prone to infection right now. He's complaining because I am working too slow. I was trying to be careful so I wouldn't introduce any bacteria in his bloodstream. In the meantime, my mom is having a reaction to the Percoset she took. She has done something to a rib so it hurts her to cough. While I am tending to my dad, she calls my middle brother or he called and she asked him to call my oldest brother. I got my dad cleaned up and checked over. My two brothers came over. My oldest brother started in on me. I just started crying. He has his own health issues but he manages to work. I can't work and I need to but I can't. He and my middle brother ran to get some medical supplies for me. I don't drive so I have to depend on others to get stuff for me or take me places.

About an hour or so later, my dad noticed that his ankles were swollen. I called the answering service. The on-call doctor called me back and I told him what was going on. He said check his ankle for any redness or purple from possible bruising. I saw nothing. He told me to have dad put ice on it. I told dad that and he wouldn't do it. My dad cut his arm and I put peroxide and neosporin and covered it with a bandaid right after his fall.

My brothers picked up an elastic band so we could put that around Mom's ribs. That has helped her. I will see how she is in the morning.

I don't think that my brothers have a clue as to what I do. I go to every single doctor appt., every test, every procedure. I arrange all the transportation. I try to manage the household as best as I can. I answer the phone the majority of the time. The house needs cleaning but I just don't have the energy to deal with that.

I don't have a social life anymore and my closest friends are very angry that my family does not allow me any time for myself. I was suppose to go out with some friends but had to cancel when all the issues came up this evening. One of my friends was not happy about that at all. I don't blame her. They are very worried about my mental and physical status. When I told my middle brother about my canceled plans, his reply was simply... too humid any way.

I get in trouble for spending too much time at the computer. I flat told my mom that this is my outlet.

My mom does not understand my issues with my brothers at all... She's just like they are watching out for you. My parents went away for a few days last summer. One night I stepped out for a bit. My youngest brother came over to the house because he could not get ahold of me. My friends were like what is this with your family calling all the time? They were not used to that. I felt sooo embarrassed.

Truth beknownst... I am totally overwhelmed at this point and my family is not recognizing it all.

Kristi.... an overwhelmed caregiver
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 790 Location: UK

AAAgghh - siblings. Sometimes they are great, and sometimes they are just so insensitive.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. Perhaps you need to call a siblings' meeting, and carefully, rationally and unemotionally lay it on the line. You are carrying the immediate and front-line burden. What you need from them is active and positive support when things become fraught, not recriminations and accusations. What would they propose if for any reason you were not able to do what you are doing? Your health is at stake as well.

I am so sorry. Maybe others will have better ideas and suggestions. Howevr, we are here for you to vent to at any time.

simplyklb · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: Re: Issues with Siblings

My sister-in-law and I have talked about doing this. Others have suggested it too. I guess we need to do it.

Kristi
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

ksplat · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: Re: Issues with Siblings

Dear Kristi

I am so sorry you are experiencing these stresses at the mo, what with the nursing & full-time care of your parents - as if that's not enough. Your Brothers are male & I hate to say it but they are not aware of the enormous responsibilities you have taken on with your folks.

I agree with Vee (& yr SIL) you need to meet with them & lay it all out to them. I'm sure when it is explained (make sure you speak very s_l_o_w_l_y) they will see the extra burden they are placing on your shoulders with their attitudes.

You need to make time for yourself, at least 1 night per week & with one of your Bro's only 5mins away he can stay with your folks whilst you go out with your friends & let some steam off. Fair is fair!

Also can you gain some extra support from Hospice for your folks? This would be a small blessing for you to have a hand at home with the care of your folks. This way you will have time to take care of the housework, etc. You are stretching youself too far at the moment my dear! Almost to breaking point & you don't want to go there!

My prayers & thoughts are with you, friend.

Cheers, Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

simplyklb · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: Re: Issues with Siblings

I actually had someone come to my rescue today in a big way... My aunt told my mom that she would pay for someone to come in and clean once every two weeks. That would help me out tremendously!

Kristi
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

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