Its all getting to me

ceaves · Regular Joined: 12 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

I had a rough day. I had an anxiety attack today. I wasnt dwelling on my situation or anything, it just kind of hit me all at once. I felt really scared for the first time. Everyone here seems so strong, I broke down today and I dont even know if I have cancer. I guess Ive been so busy trying to get someone to listen, now that Im getting it taken care of, I can relax. Now that I am relaxing, the emotions are coming. It feels like after you almost have an accident. You get a rush that helps you do damage control, and then after a few minutes it hits you. Today it hit me, I felt like I couldnt breathe, my throat was really tight. I left my classroom and then started crying in the hallway. I decided to go home because I needed my husband. After a few minutes of being in the car, I started shaking really hard. I wasnt giving in to my emotions, I was really trying to make myself calm down. I couldnt. That was this morning, and now its nighttime. I think I just needed to go through that.
Today I considered not taking classes this summer. If I dont I cant graduate in the spring. I am in analytical chem right now, and its hard. I feel like my brain isnt working. In a few weeks I will add physics and a bio class to that. And I should be starting at a research position, which I am looking forward to. During all of this I have to go to the surgeon and I really feel like I am at a low point. Did any of you go through this [i]before[/i] you were diagnosed. Like I said, you all seem so brave, I feel like I am alone kind of. Alright, thanks for the support you guys.

vanessa · Regular Joined: 07 May 2006 Posts: 21

Hi Ceaves,
im sorry to hear about that i know the hardest part is not knowing and all the worrying and waiting. I havent broke down like that before but at times its weird im fine i will just be in the car or at home and i just start crying and i try to hold it in because i dont want people to see me and think something is wrong, i dont know why i do it maye just all my emoitions building up. Try to stay calm especailly if you dont even know if its cancer yet think positive Smile

i will be thinking positive for you and hoping and praying everything will be okay. Your not alone everyone has their moments where they just need to let it out and break down just stay stong. You have your husband and loved ones to help you. Good luck ceaves and stay strong i know it can be hard at times.
-vanessa

weston · Regular Joined: 23 Nov 2005 Posts: 20

Hi, I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down right now but you’re not alone. I had my FNA on Thursday and I went alone. I was sitting outside the x-ray department waiting to go in for my fourth x ray in a year and I just welled up. It was very difficult for me to control my emotions at that point. Now I’m just sitting at home waiting on the results. It is very frightening. I feel like it’s the not knowing that really gets to me and if I knew then at least i could condition myself. but as it is I don’t know so I have to deal with all the emotions associated with a lack of control over your own life and not know where I’m going to be in a years time........ I totally understand what you’re going through. People keep telling me not to worry, I will be fine. I feel like such a drama queen because I’m worried about it.

I have a daughter who is five years old and i am divorced. I have no support and what frightens me is what is going to happen if i do have cancer. How am I going to pay my mortgage? How am I going to look after my daughter........ how will it affect her?

I hope that you’re not diagnosed with cancer and that you get through college. I will be thinking about you and I am always here if you need any one to off load to. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to offer advice but I am always willing to listen.

I hope all goes well for you.

Orange Agent · Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 7:36 am Post subject: Re: Its all getting to me

Hi Ceaves,

I believe what you experienced is very normal. I went through basically the same thing and trheatened to tear the arm off of my best friend.

Meanwhile, whatever happens you're covered. If you've got it, you will receive proper treatment. If you don't have it, they will identify what has been troubling you.

Hang in there baby.

Burt
_________________
Burt

ceaves · Regular Joined: 12 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

Thanks everyone, and thanks again Burt, youre kind words are always helpful. I feel a little better today, Im really trying not to think about it and to keep it together. I will update you guys when I know something. God bless you all, you have been so helpful.
-Chelsea

ceaves · Regular Joined: 12 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

So Im just waiting now. I have the CT scan on June 6th, the ENT appt on June 13th, and the thoracic surgeon consult on June 14th. Ill keep you guys updated. Thanks for all the positive input. Wink

-Chelsea

Debbiefix · Regular Joined: 01 Jun 2006 Posts: 15 Location: CT

I went through all this stuff a year ago. I was on autopilot. It consumed every thought. I kept wondering "what will I be like when my daughter goes back to school in August. What will I be like at Christmas? Will I be able to go Christmas shopping? What will it be like when we close up the pool in September?" If my family seemed insensitive I wondered why I was the only one who was devestated. It didn't seem like it was really happening to me. How could it be? How would I tell my dad about this without it killing him?
The toughest thing, I think, was that I was always healthy "before I found out I had cancer". I never had to have any procedures and then I had to see a surgeon, have a biopsy, see an ONCOLOGIST, have a CT scan, drink stuff for the tests, have PET scans, have blood checked before every doctor visit and then the worry, worry about the near future and the distant future. So much uncertainty and it was all out of my control.
But you know what? Believe it or not, finding out I have this, has been one of the best things and best lessons in my life. Getting to know and trust my oncologist more than any other doctor in my life was great. Getting to know the whole oncology department at the hospital, is very comforting. If I get anything from a sore throat, to poison ivy, all I have to do is call and medication is prescribed. We're all on a first name basis. I feel well taken care of. I love my oncologist. I still get major anxiety the week I have my CT and PET scan and then go to the onc for the results. That's what they call PSA pre (or post) scan anxiety. But, I'm getting better care than I've ever had in my life. I can call and talk to a doctor 24 hours a day, and you actually get a call back within 10 minutes.
Once again, I've never felt sick from this cancer a day in my life. I assume I'll live at least another 10 years. I'm 54 years old now, so I'm doing ok. Who knows what kind of treatments will be developed in the future. I love my Rituxan though. I wish I could have it once a week for the rest of my life. It's just not so bad.
Your life has changed. In many ways you too may see this as a blessing. I've learned a lot about cancer and people and who my real friends are. This is NOT a death sentence. My life has changed. Normal is different now. I feel just fine.
Hang in there. It will really get better.

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