What if this is it??

tilo · Regular Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 21

Further to my previous posts, my grandma (liver & lung:both primary!) is nearing the end of her life. This has been a difficult road to say the least. We are a spiritual family, if not overly religious. But all of a sudden this evening sitting with her, I panicked! What if this really is it? What if there is no wonderful place I make myself beleive she is going to, what if grandpa isn't there waiting for her, what if I really don't see her again!! Sometimes I feel a panic attack, and tonight I got really anxious and fearful thinking about it.
For those of you who do believe, did you ever feel this way too? Is this just part of my fear and difficuly coping with losing her? I don't even know if this makes sense... but how do I deal with this overwhelming emotion? I guess it could be part of the process, maybe you can share your experience with me if you relate.
Thank you for giving me a release......
Tilo Question

mousa · Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 4:50 am Post subject: Re: What if this is it??

Dear Tilo,

Thank you for being a good grand daughter.

It is absolutely normal to have these thoughts and I am sure that by now you will have regained your faith. We are but human and doubts are bound to happen to us from time to time. I am sure God understands our human frailities. I think what God is really interested in is how good we are.

I came across this a few days ago and I feel that it is so true and comforting:

Patience with others is Love,
Patience with self is Hope,
Patience with God is faith.
Abel Bestavros

Love, Val

MichelleDianeKnapp · New User Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 6

I know exactly how you are feeling. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer which had spread to his liver and his back. He was diagnosed on April 12th, 2006 and he opted for no treatments whatsoever (this had been his lifetime choice if he ever got cancer). Was given morphine and dillato's (sp. wrong) for pain control. After reading through here I knew it wouldn't be long before the end and I have cried ever since the diagnosis. I was fortunate enough to leave work on compassionate care and spent the last two weeks of my Dad's life taking care and supporting him. I love him so much. May 13th, 2006 he passed away. Went into the hospital (was staying home) for three hours where he was administered morphine every 20 minutes. He couldn't get his breath back. I am having a hard time dealing with knowing that it was the drugs that probably did kill him and he died not peacefully at all. I work as a driver and I tried going back to work on Tuesday but I ended up having a panic attack on the way there and realized that it was way too soon to go back. I am at the point where I pray to God that there really is a heaven. He has sent me (my Dad) signs on the nght of the funeral so there must be something out there. I miss him so much and everytime I think of three little words I break out crying. "Dad is Gone". I just wish he could be around forever. I cry, I go into panic attacks, dizzy, heavy heart, not motivated to do simple tasks. I try to play my piano, and it helps. I have a journal and have started keeping it by my side and left some pages for when memories pop in my head I can write them down before I forget them or for when I'll forget them twenty years from now. But...I am still left without him. This forum has helped (although more people should reply) to know I am not the only one and there is others that understand what I am going through. Spend every minute you can even if you don't talk, just sit and be with the person. You'll never regret it. Even though watching him die was horrific I'll never regret holding his hand as he died.
Its a long road ahead and they will watch us from above. My Dad was never baptized and never really religious (read the bible when he was feeling troubled) but at the end he was at peace with himself and God. God is there. Whatever doesn't break us, only makes us stronger. We all feel broken afterwards but it will make us stronger. Our love for them never dies. Love conquers All.

mousa · Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 9:23 am Post subject: Re: What if this is it??

Dear Michelle,

My heart goes out to you too. I know you miss your Dad but you know that death is part of life and we have to accept it. Please keep reminding yourself that you were lucky to have a good father; that his wish not to have treatment was respected; that the morphine was necessary; that you were able to devote time to him during his last weeks; that he sent you a sign. Be grateful for his life; hold your head high knowing that he is in a good and calm place. He is very close to you so speak with him. God IS Love.

Val

tilo · Regular Joined: 27 Apr 2006 Posts: 21

Val, thank you so much for your post.. I am feeling better about things, though you are right, my panic comes and goes. Your words really felt good to my heart, thank you so much!

Michelle, I really appreciate you sharing your story with us. My grandmas situation is EXACTLY like your fathers was. Your words brought tears to my eyes, as it felt like it could have been me writing the post. I am so sorry for your loss, and I send you best wishes and thoughts of strength.

I am so grateful that I found this site where people who have never met can somehow make a stranger feel better with their words of understanding, compassion and support. I want you to know how much it means to me... I thank you, thank you, thank you, for listening and giving care. It's a kudos to us as people I think that during our most difficult days, we are somehow able to try to help another person who might be feeling the same as we are.
I am as sad as I've ever been, but also rejuvenated in spirit with help from kind people such as those who take the time to post in such a thoughtful way!!!
Thank you again,
Tanya

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