How to best help the kids?

DJW · Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 7:25 pm Post subject: How to best help the kids?

I want to start by saying that I have read many posts here before I added this one. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, and especially to those of you who have remained here after your own experiences to help others.

My position is a bit unusual. My ex-wife has non-small cell lung cancer, we had only been divorced for a few months before she had it diagonsed about Mid-March of 2006. I guess normally that would leave me more on the outside looking in, but there are kids involved, in particular our 14 year old daughter and our son 22.

Being that I am on the outside, I don't have a clear understanding of the facts. Fortunately we'd been married for nearly 25 years, and her family is still pretty close to me, so they somewhat keep me in the loop. I will try to tell you what I know, but understand that some of the facts are missing.

She was diagnosed after severe chest pains and trouble breathing that led her to go the hospital in an ambulance. Her tumor was described to me as being 8 centimeters long, and nearer to the throat. There is no doubt it was caused by a lifetime of smoking, she is 53. I was told yesterday, for the first time, that it is inoperable.

Previously she had been losing weight, I think many people had written it off to the smoking (and drinking) and the divorce. Her lifestyle was not one of taking care of herself, the major cause of our divorce.

In the time since she was diagnosed she has been going to 5x a week radiation and then chemo once a week, however the chemo was stopped because she was getting too sick. (i think) She continued to get sick, and then a tumor was found in the bone of her upper thigh which has been described to me to be between 1 and 3 centimeters long, and as having turned the bone (or marrow?) into "swiss cheese." Also a new tumor has appeared under her arm (lymph node?) which has been cutting off the proper blood flow. She was prescibed cumidin to try to thin the blood. The radiation (area of concentration?) was doubled.

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday because she was unable to get out of her wheel chair, something she had just started needing a couple of weeks ago, to go to the bathroom. Keep in mind this is only about 6 weeks from when she was still working and normal, before the breathing problem. She is now on morphine for the pain, and sleeps constantly.

Her family, some of them breast cancer survivors, have, in my opinon been in denial. But going to the hospital yesterday seems to have woken them all up. My daughter, who is supposed to live with me, had been staying with her mom, but recently her behaviour had gotten very disresectful. She is currently staying with a friend's family. I think she was trying to make things seem like everything was ok, but she could see the way things were going. I don't know. Her mom's realtionship with her and her brother was alway more of a "friend" than a parent, the other thing that eventually caused our divorce. My Son says no one will tell him what is going on. I don't know if that is more because he simply doesn't want to ask.

I hope that gives you some perspective on my question. How should I ask my kids to handle this? I have been forced to tell them already that " this is not a good sign" and that they should "consider the possibility that she may not come home for a long time..if at all." ( I haven't said that last part to my daughter yet)

Please understand. I have been praying my heart out for her to get better. And the last thing I want is for the kids to lose hope, but I don't want to mislead them into thinking that she is going to get better if she isn't. The very few people that I know that have any experience in this, have told me that she won't. If that is true, do I take the kids to see her there now? They hate to see her in the hospital, but if time is running out, should I insist they go? Their mom right now does not want visitors, but I need to know, if time is running out. Her family just seems incapable of seeing this as anything more than a minor setback.

If any of you can help me to understand what is going on, and give me your own opinion on what the kids should be expected to do, it would be greatly appreciated. Forgive me if the facts don't all gel, It is hard to get them to begin with, let alone know what they mean when I do.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

mssue · Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:52 am Post subject: Help the kids

Hi DJW,

You are in a horrible position,but may God Bless You and help You along the way,it sounds like it will be a long one. I think (my opinion only) You should talk directly to the Doctor since You have charge of the children(Daughter).You definitely have the right to ask for help from the Doctor and maybe even Your Pastor - Your position is a difficult one and You need all the help You can get. Maybe her Family will be of assistance too, with Your Daughter and Son. Don't forget about Yourself in all of this , even though You are divorced,after so many years together and a Family too-You can't just act like You don't care, it seems to me Your feelings run deep and just because of the divorce I'm sure You would have never wished this upon her-If she doesn't make it or survive ,that my friend is definitely the final curtain never to be challenged again. I hope this isn't so ,but get help either way, it doesn't mean You are weak to ask ,but that You are strong enough to handle any situation You find Yourself in. Here if You need us-my best wishes and prayers to You and Your Family-God Bless You!
_________________
Sue
Age-44
DX-8/29/2003
Stage 1 - ER/PR-,HER2-NU+
Infilterating Ductal Carcinoma
Modified Radical Mastectomy/Left-side
4 Rounds of A/C-completed 1/2004

DJW · Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 1:37 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

Thank you for the Kind reply Sue.

At this point, talking to the Dr. is not an option, as I'm sure is the case in N.C. too, here in N.Y. the patient must grant the Dr. the right to speak about his/her patient in writing, something that I don't expect is likely.

Of course I want her well and happy. The timing of this couldn't have been worse for everyone involved, particularly the kids who were already dealing with the divorce issue...if I had known...but that ship has sailed. As I said, a big part of what caused it was the fact that she refused to give up smoking and drinking, although I tried for years and years, eventually I surrendered..but I never expected that this would happpen so soon.

My biggest problem now, well one of them anyway, is trying to get an understanding of what is happening. People ask me questions like TX and DX? and what stage? and matastized? and I have no idea. Ultimately, God's Will will prevail, but I wish I had a better understanding of what to tell the kids. Should I be preparing them for the worst? Or keeping their spirits up with optimism?

Thank you again for your reply Sue. I see you are a survivor. As I mentioned, I have 2 x-sister-in-laws, and their cousin who have all survived double masectomies. They fought and they won, all of them have been in remission now for several years. I want everyone out there to know that you can fight, and sometimes you can win. Their mother died when my ex-wife was only 15 from what started as breast cancer. In those days survival was rare. But agressive treatment methods have worked miracles, so please all of you who are dealing with theses issues know that miracles do happen. I realize the odds for my ex at this point are long. She had spent years (actually since the death of her mother) treating her body like a trash can, and it finally has caught up to her. But miracles do happen everyday, they sometimes need a little help, but they do happen.

God Bless you all.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

bethanyaok · Posted: Sun May 21, 2006 1:05 am Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

Hi DJW,

Sounds like a lot is happening all at once for you, and your children. You might want to contact the people at Cancer Care. They offer online & telephone support for people affected by cancer. I feel certain that they can help you sort out the best way to support your kids, and to understand what's happening for you as well. Their website is www.cancercare.org They are a great organization and all their services are free!

Take Care,
Bethany
_________________
Bethany
breast cancer dx 4/17/00
4 AC, 28 rads, tamoxifen
7 years NED, and counting!
BRCA2+ 2/1/07

Lost Dad to Lung Cancer June '05

DJW · Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 3:33 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

As if all this wasn't tough enough, my daughter recently had a major melt down. I couldn't figure out what happened, she wanted to be there to help her mom, then suddenly she wanted to be out of there. I did insist that she go the hospital to visit last weekend, but she hasn't wanted to go back.

Well, I found out "why" she had the meltdown. She walked into her mother's room a couple weeks ago and she was smoking! She was so hurt that, #1 she would be smoking after putting everything else, and also angry that #2 somebody had gotten her cigarettes! She was upset with me for making things "sound worse than they were" or she "wouldn't still be smoking."

Meanwhile I got a message from her mom from the hospital that I had to stop "scaring" the kids, that she was fine. WTF? All I did was tell the kids they needed to visit her in the hospital, that her condition was serious .

Scaring the kids? Her lung cancer has moved to her lymph nodes and metastised in her leg bone! I think that's serious.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

cjago · Regular Joined: 14 Jan 2006 Posts: 42

If all the facts you put in your first post are accurate, then the lady is very very sick and I doubt her smoking now will make any difference other than to make her feel a bit better because of not having to go through nicotine withdrawal as well. Best of luck.
_________________
adenocarcinoma of the breast, now widely metastatic (stomach, liver, pelvis, pancreas, bones, skin)
survived 11 years so far

DJW · Posted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:02 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

[quote="cjago"]If all the facts you put in your first post are accurate, then the lady is very very sick and I doubt her smoking now will make any difference other than to make her feel a bit better because of not having to go through nicotine withdrawal as well. Best of luck.[/quote]

cjago, I agree with that. But you have to understand how that looks to a 14 year old daughter who wants to believe that her mom is fighting for her life. Never-the-less, I doubt any Dr. is recommending a patient with lung cancer keep smoking, to avoid nicotine withdrawl.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

DJW · Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:01 am Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

My ex wife died this morning. We were graciously blessed with some time where she could talk with the kids, and we could be a family one last time, and she was able to make peace with everyone in her life. I will post a bit more in the lung cancer forum in a few days, so that others can learn from what we went through.

In the meantime, a simple prayer for God's mercy is all we ask from everyone today.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

mssue · Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:40 am Post subject: RE

I am so sorry,my heart goes out to You all. It was a blessing You could get together one more time,it makes a huge difference especially as time passes. My Husband's Grandfather passed last night,it wasn't cancer,I guess his work was just done-looking at the Family he had an abundantly full and happy life,he will be missed greatly.
My thoughts and prayers are with You all-God will see You through this.

From our Family to Yours Our Deepest Sympathy.
_________________
Sue
Age-44
DX-8/29/2003
Stage 1 - ER/PR-,HER2-NU+
Infilterating Ductal Carcinoma
Modified Radical Mastectomy/Left-side
4 Rounds of A/C-completed 1/2004

bethanyaok · Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:07 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

Dear DJW,

I am so sorry to hear of your ex-wife's death. It was very fast, wasn't it. Cancer is so scary when it get up and running rampant towards the end. It sounded like perhaps her family didn't want to discuss what was really happening with you and the kids. But I am so glad to hear that there was an opportunity for her to make peace with everyone, and I'm sure that was very important for your kids.

Sending you and your family love and prayers for peace during this time.

Blessings,
Bethany
_________________
Bethany
breast cancer dx 4/17/00
4 AC, 28 rads, tamoxifen
7 years NED, and counting!
BRCA2+ 2/1/07

Lost Dad to Lung Cancer June '05

Lana8 · Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:42 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

I am so sorry to hear about your loved one passing. Lung cancer is very unforgiving. I am sending you and your kids my prayers. I lost my sister to lung cancer on June 11, 2005. God be with you and your family. I am so thankful you were all able to talk some. That really helps. God Bless
Lana

DJW · Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:11 pm Post subject: Re: How to best help the kids?

Thank you everyone for your kind words.
_________________
As Mother Angelica said when asked why God allows bad things to happen: "If it weren't for life's tragedies most of us would never even take one second to pray." It is only in suffering that we acknowlege our own mortality.

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