I've lost my brave dear husband.....

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

I want you all to know that my prayers are with you all and your ill loved ones. This hideous cancer is evil & took over my husband with a vengance. I lost my AWSOME husband on December 31. We had the viewing Fri night & today is his funeral. It was exactly almost 8 wks to the day of his flulike symptoms till his death. They said it was pancreatic/liver cancer and by the 6th week the Dr's told me there was no place in his body where cancer had not spread. My husband was 59 & I am 45 and we've been with each other for 7 years, married 4 1/2....I'm not ready for all this yet, it's just way too soon & not right to be robbed like this in the black of the night. We went from having a normal WONDERFUL life together 1 wk too 14 days later facing Larry's funeral head on. That whole 6 wks we didn't know how sick he was getting since he'd seen a couple different Dr's 4 times in that first 6 wks. I stopped working so I could care for him around the clock 2 wks ago with the help of hospice. They are absolutely a group of people to be blessed 10 times over!

My heart goes out to all of you here, ones whom have had to endure the pain of loosing a very special person like my Larry & to the rest who will also loose someone soon enough. These boards have been so very helpful and I do appreciate everyone's love, kindness and honesty.

"cherish every moment you share with your love, drink life every second you can, love like there will be no tomorrow!"

Sincerely,
Roses

brainman

Roses, I am so sorry for your loss Sad

. Be assured of my thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this awful time. Please, feel free to continue to come to the forum. I have found healing here.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

Hello JIm,

I will certainly check back in when the need is there. Thank you.

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Dear Roses,

I am so sorry to hear of Larry's death. Yes, you have been robbed of a wonderful life partner and you have every reason to cry, to mourn and to scream into the void.

As with my brother, Larry's dying just 8 weeks after his becoming sick is just too much, too fast for both you and him. I was just Geoff's sister but I tried with all my might to hang on to him, to keep him from sliding toward death. As when we were kids, I felt he was my responsibility; it was my job to keep him safe. I exhausted myself with the struggle and when Death won I felt betrayed by everything I have always held dear.

This cancer is the most insidious, most odious, most disgusting thief and robber of life that anyone has ever known. Like a terrorist it sneaks up on you and hides until it's too late. Then once it's discovered, it explodes a human into unrecognizable bits and there's no point in calling the cops because there's nothing they can do, no one to arrest.

The only hope anyone has is early diagnosis and until such tests are available the results will be the same.

Roses, there is no answer that can satisfy today, no soothing balm for your raw wounds, no pill for the healing sleep that would help you cope. When you're ready, talk to others who are just now, just this day hearing the diagnosis and writing this forum with questions that have few answers. For them, today is the beginning of a nightmare that will only end in death.

My heart goes out to you, Roses; all of us weep for you. Hold Larry close in your heart and know that you've done your very best.

Big Sister Pat

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

Thanks to everyone for all your thoughts and thoughtfull words, and especially of all your own experiences with your loved ones.

After we found out the horrible diaganosis of my husbands illness, pancreatic/liver cancer, which took many weeks to get then it was only 2 wks till he passed away. 2 wks is a very short time to loose your soul mate and the other piece of you. I guess I didn't handle it as well as I thought I was because somehow I snapped in that 2 wk period mentally, and suddenly developed what the Dr's call cluster migrains (never had a problem before). They were intense and hit me fast & hard and took me to my knees for sometimes 6-8 hrs at a time. I had been to the Er 2 times in one week, then the 3rd time I was admitted for 4 days with the diagnosis & medications, not to mention every test under the sun. The only thing they found is that during these cluster migrain attacks my heart rate would drop to 50 and stay there and come back up. Of course everything was negative and said it was all brought on by severe stress. I had taken care of my husband at home w/ hospice for 2 wks then my husband had to actually go into hospice services, but only 12 hrs... then he was gone. That last 12 hrs is when I had to be admitted and I wasn't with my husband when he passed away. I was in horrible shape at that time and I'm ridden with guilt. I know he passed peacefully and didn't die alone, but I needed to be with him. I think the lord knew I could not mentally handle loosing my husband and that's why I wasn't there.

I burried my husband Jan 6th and never have missed him more in my life. It is silent at home, and I find myself pacing and wishing so bad it had been me & not him. I loved him so much more than my own life. I know in time things will become alittle better to deal with and God has his own plan. If I had only had longer than 2 wks with him before his death. It's a human emotion to sometimes take life for granted when you have been told they are ok & it's just a bad flu bug and we believed them. If we had known then we could have done a couple special things together, layed beside and just held each other, sat so close you couldn't slip a piece of paper between us, remenise about our special times together. I feel so cheated and am not afraid to say that I am very angry at God. My strong faith has not changed one bit and I feel I have to work through this anger in my own time. I believe God knows this and is understanding of this emotion and will give me the time that I need.

Thank you for allowing me pour out my heart, I felt like I wanted to explode.

Please take Care of yourselves and reach out for help when you need it.
many huggs from me to you!

Roses

HikeMaitch · Regular Joined: 12 Jul 2006 Posts: 12

Dear Roses,

I am filled with sorrow for the loss of your husband. I am sorry that you feel guilt that you werent there at the time of his passing but I am glad that you found a way to deal with it. I too believe that God only deals us what we can handle.

Sadly, I am in a similar situation. I was in the hospital all night long with my father. The nurses kept telling me to go home that nothing would happen for a while. I sat for about 14 hours. All through the night and at 8 30 am I left when my sister came by to relieve me. I went home to sleep for a few hours and I got the horrible call at 10:15 to come back down because my father wasnt doing well. She called me back 15 minutes later telling me it was too late. I felt horrible guilt that if I had only stayed a while longer. If I only went to sleep in the lounge. But I dont think I could have handled seeing my fathers final breath. I dont think that I could live with that image forever in my mind.

I am sure your husband was happy knowing what you did those last few weeks when you knew he was sick. And he knows how much you love him. I am sure he only wants for you to stay healthy and happy. I hope that you do take care of yourself in your time of grieving. I hope that you are able to grieve at your pace and the support you have around you allow you to.

My thoughts are with you and I will say a prayer in Larry's name.

roses4evver · Regular Joined: 16 Dec 2006 Posts: 30

Hello,
We all have such deep pain within us when we loose someone so close to our hearts. I'm so so sorry you lost your Dad, I lost mine 3 yrs ago. Your story touched my heart deeply. Thank you so much for that special prayer for my husband!

You take care of yourself too.

Roses

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