my boyfriend passed away

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

Hi, I'm 22 and 6 weeks ago my boyfriend of 3 years passed away from spinal metastasis. He was 30 years old, and was diagnosed in November, and passed away on April 16th. I am trying to cope and live my life as I know he would want me to, but I find it hard to just leave the house (though i do force myself to do so) and I keep replaying everything over in my head again and again. I am very confused by some of his behavior just before he died. He was a very private, strong, and independent man, so when he was diagnosed, he decided to deal with it solely on his own. He said good bye to me and moved far away and hired a live in nurse to take care of him. He wouldn't let me or anyone else see him, and he stopped all communication by email and telephone as well. He told me to let him go, to live my life and to look to my future, to grab hold of it and never let go. When I kept writing and begging him to talk to me and let me be with him as he went through it, he got angry and told me he didn't want to hurt me but that he didn't want to see me waste my time, that i had to face the reality that it was too late for him and that there would be no future between us. He finally stopped responding at all and didn't talk to me for almost 2 months even though i continued to send him emails about what i was up to and sending him my love. He finally responded in late January and we stayed in contact (with some occassional breaks) until his death in April, and talked on the phone just 2 days before he died. He was very angry in the last weeks, which is to be expected, but on the last day we talked he was telling jokes, laughing, and our conversation was completely normal. Even when we talked about his cancer, it didn't get too serious or heavy. We just talked about it matter of factly. When I told him I missed him or that i had been thinking of him he responded with by saying "sure" or "yeah right" as if he didn't believe me or was completely apathetic about it, even though he seemed happy to talk to me and said he missed me a lot. I'm just wonderinng what is normal behavior during the last few days of a cancer patient's life. Why did he seem so happy and yet so angry at the same time. Was it acceptance, or was he merely trying to make it easier for me? It is really hard having so little information and being so far away. I just wish I understood what he was goinng through and what he was feeling in those last days. I just want to be sure he knew that I loved him and that he loved me as well, but sometimes I"m not sure. Especially since I was told he didn't want anyone to know anything after his death. All I know is that he is gone and where his ashes were spread. The lawyers have forbidden his personal representative from telling anyone, even me, anything else. But I don't understand why. If you have any insight into normal end of life behavior or how I can cope with this loss, please let me know. Thank you.

Satori

brainman · Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 11:23 pm Post subject: Re: my boyfriend passed away

Satori, I am so sorry about the death of your boyfriend. I do not know how to explain his behavior. I hate to "speak evil of the dead" but it sounds like he was more concerned about his own emotional needs than your needs. That is the way some people face their own death. It is too painful for them to have loved ones near them reminding them of what they are about to loose. What your boyfriend and others like him don't understand is how his behavior made you feel and how much harder it really is for you to now grieve. Grieving for you may be more difficult than for me; my parents included me in their last days. However, I would encourage you to find a way to express your grief... including your anger... about his death and being shut out of his life after investing so much of yourself into that relationship. You might want to find a local grief support group and become a member. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

Thank you for your response and your kindness. I am not at all angry with him, and actually I don't think he was necessarily looking out for himself only. In his mind I think he really believed it would be better and easier for everyone if he just went away. He told me several times that seeing him would "destroy" me and that he just wanted me to let him go and try to be happy as soon as possible. I just have a hard time dealing with it sometimes, and I wonder if he was angry at me near the end, jealous that I would live, move on, perhaps eventually be with some one else. He joked a lot in our last conversation and it was very strange but some of his jokes seemed laced with bitterness...jokes about me making out with other guys in his memory. I laughed it off because he always had a weird sense of humor but I sometimes wonder if i didn't do enough to let him know he was the only one I wanted and that I loved only him (even though i flat out told him that all the time). He also avoided affectionate phrases, only telling me he loved me in moments of extreme stress when he saw that I was really not dealing with it well. All I wanted was for him to say he loved me one more time the last time we talked but it was so hard for him to do so, even though I am sure he did. I just wonder why. Does anyone else have experience with puzzling behavior at the end of life? I would be really interested in hearing anyone's opinion on this. Thanks.

brainman · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 7:59 am Post subject: Re: my boyfriend passed away

Hi Satori,
It sounds like you are blaming yourself, at least in part, for your boyfriend's behavior. Who can tell what was really going through his mind? People do face their own deaths in so many ways. Your boyfriend made the choice to build a wall around himself for whatever reason. It does sound like you at least tried to maintain contact with him. That is all that you could do. I said that you were angry because "Why?" is an agree question. You are probably more aware of the sadness at this point. But anger is a natural part of grief. So I imagine that your boyfriend WAS angry. I was angry during the first year of my own cancer. I did not do what your boyfriend did, but I did take my anger out on the wrong people. I still encourage you to seek face-to-face help with your own grieving. God bless you and keep you.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

I am so very sorry for your loss. You know the one thing i think will keep you strong, is by knowing he would want you to have a very happy life. Prehaps he did not want to burden you, to be honest, everyone deals with it differently. He is at perfect peace now and your life can go forward knowing you were loved and that you loved him...you will see happieness again, you sound like a very strong and loving person.
Just keep us all up to date with how you coupe.
I am sorry my words cannot be more enlightening, theres nothing one can truley say....look to tommorow with all you have from yesterday. Cherish the good memories you have and find comfort in the fact that, you supported him, no matter what, he knew that.xxx
Good luck to you and let us know how things are with you later on.
_________________
Time is a virtue, spend it wisely.

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

Thanks for your kind words and your support. I suppose I have been a little angry, but it is not towards him...but towards the situation. It is just so unfair for him to have been robbed of the future I know he was looking forward to. He had just turned 30 when he was diagnosed, and i know that he had so many plans for his future. Marriage, kids, etc. And I'm mad too because I am pretty sure he envisioned that future with me, and I certainly viewed my future with him. I feel robbed, I guess, which I know is normal. But I do take comfort in your words. I know he knew I loved him very much, and that i was there for him until the end as much as he would allow me to be. And even though I've had my doubts, I do believe he really loved me too. Sometimes it is just so hard not to doubt now that he is no longer here to reassure me or to ask. But I do think his actions near the end were protective and that he really believed it was the best thing he could do for me. Mostly I just feel sad and I miss him. Especially when I see lots of happy couples. He was my first love, the only man I ever even kissed and I was with him for more than 3 years. I don't know how I'll move on, but I know I have to. I promised him I would make the best life I could for myself--it's all he asked me to do. Anyway, I really appreciate your kindness. Thank you and I wish you well too.

fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

I believe he loved you for sure. He will be smiling at you now, urging you to have a good and happy life. I understand it will take time and i hope in time you can find a new happiness.
I lost my dad last december, i will never get over that...but im stronger, he is free from pain and watching over me. I cant imagine what loosing a partner does, its so cruel to think that your boyfriend was so young, but like my dad, he is free from pain now. I hope you find solice in that.
Positivity will reach you at some stage...for now...keep talking and never mask your feelings. Its these times we need our friends, huh? So talk with them and your family.

Talk soon,
Andy.x
_________________
Time is a virtue, spend it wisely.

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