Anger Issues

bcharlieswife · New User Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 7

Remember me? My husband was diagnosed with stage iv nsclc w/ mets to brain, liver & lymph nodes in Feb. 2007. He has undergone radiation and is currently receiving chemo. His last CT Scan and MRI showed no tumors in the brain, liver or lymph nodes. The only tumor was in the lungs and very small at 1.75cm. He is still working full-time.

We've been married 18 mostly rocky years. After he was diagnosed he stated that he wanted a divorce. I talked with him at length and told him that I loved him and wanted to stay with him and care for him. He finally agreed. Since that time he has been angry, mean, hateful & a really nasty person to live with. I have tried to be understanding and ignore the nastiness. I am on medication for my nerves and for depression.

I have suggested support groups, counseling and anti-depressant drugs. He said he doesn't need any of this because I am the one with the problem.

I am at the end of my rope and yes, at times, I am on guard for my safety. The last time he brought up divorce I told him to do whatever he needed to do.

Now I feel so guilty. I just cannot stand the idea of him going through this alone and I do not understand why he would want to go through this alone. He says it's because he doesn't love me any more and wants to be happy.

I've known for a long, long time that my husband has a narcissistic personality disorder so I have dealt with his self-centeredness for all of our marriage.

I am devastated with his illness and now this. I appreciate this forum for allowing me to vent my hurts and frustrations.

JoAnn

brainman · Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 12:44 pm Post subject: Re: Anger Issues

Hi JoAnn, my heart breaks for you and your husband! I so wish that he would agree to go to family counseling. It is not a matter of "His problem" or "Your problem". It is a relationship problem between the two of you that can only be understood if both of you are involved in the counseling process. However, if he does not want help, there is not really much you can do but seek help for yourself as you try to decide what it is that you want and need to do.

I can in some ways identify with your husband. I too felt bitter and angry in my first marriage. Cancer only made things worse! I felt dependent on someone that I did not really love anymore. While I was grateful (and still am grateful) for all that she did, I was not a happy man. I was using her! The more I realized that, the clearer it became to me that she should welcome a divorce. She has never seen it that way (still does not). But the guilt of continuing to live with someone just because I needed that someone because I had cancer, ate at my soul and made me very bitter and angry.

However, there is where any similarity between my marriage and yours ends. I am the one who wanted to go to counseling; my ex-wife did not. She never understood that our relationship was sick! In her mind, there was no such thing as "relationship sickness", there is just sick individuals. I was sick or she was sick... never our relationship. Obviously, since she was happy in that relationship the problem must have been mine. I never saw things that way. I do not blame her or me for "the problem."

Despite the fact that I have had to battle a recurrence of my cancer without her support, and despite the fact that I now live alone, divorce was the only way for us. Our relationship has, in fact, improved since the divorce. Nevertheless, I do not regret the divorce.

JoAnn, his expression of anger is too complex for me to fully understand at a distance. It is probably a mixture of long-term anger at himself for being in the marriage and short-term anger at his cancer. If it were just anger about the cancer, I would advise you to try to understand him and to continue to be patient with him. However, I hear you say that there was a pre-cancer anger already festering in your relationship (at lest in his mind). You can do nothing about that anger by yourself.

There might also be an organic component to his anger. Mets to his brain may have changed his emotions to some degree. However, unfortunately, this is an area that he would have to acknowledge and address with his own doctors.

My thoughts and my prayers are with you both.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1031

JoAnn,

I too am very sorry about your situation. I wondered if your husband is on steroids? Many people get pretty weird on steroids. Jim already mentioned brain mets and the after effects of radiation. I have seen my own brother in law get angry before his brain mets were discovered, but he was fine after surgery/radiation.

I have seen cases where, if the person who has the cancer, was kind of a nasty person to begin with, they get worse when diagnosed. A cancer diagnosis doesn't mean instant sainthood and you well know that. My best friend's daughter suffered through 10 years of feeling like she had to stay with her husband who had some type of lymphoma. She felt too guilty to leave and he just got meaner and nastier. He was a total wretch of a human being. She finally got up the gumption to leave him and he put her and his son through hell during the divorce. It finally ended and he died about a year later. This was about a year ago and she is still finding herself and her way in this world again. Suffice to say, their son also is in the same position.

I totally believe in marital counseling if both people want to make the marriage work. I don't believe in staying in an abusive relationship because of guilt about an illness. I'm sure you are worried about "what will people say?" -- but some individual counseling will go a long way toward accepting who he is and what you need.

I hope for the best for you. You don't mention children. For your sake, I hope they are grown. Many hugs being sent your way. Why does there have to be so many hurts in life?

Take care and hope we hear from you. (BTW, my husband is Stage IV too.)

PBJ

bcharlieswife · New User Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 7

Brainman & PBJ, Thank you so much for your very wise words. Things have gone downhill even more and now he accuses me of poisoning him. I have spoken with his doctor about this and he wanted me to bring him to the emergency room. I contacted friends whom I felt would be able to do this. I am hopeful this has taken place. I ask everyone who reads this to please keep us in your prayers. CharliesWife

brainman · Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:05 pm Post subject: Re: Anger Issues

Hi JoAnn,

It does sound like something is wrong and that your husband needs to see a doctor. Will he go? Does he trust anyone at this point? Of so, maybe they can help you. You and your husband are in my prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Darwin · Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: Re: Anger Issues

Dear JoAnn
My thoughts are with you. I completely understand what you are going through. My ex husband is very very angry and doesn't want me using the telephone, or internet or even putting the TV on in the evening when he has gone to bed and can't hear it. There are only the two of us in the house and neither of us know anyone in Darwin so communicating with friends by phone is important and usually only done in the evening. he seems to want to isolate me and punish me in so many nasty ways. He speaks to me through gritted teeth and with contmpt in his voice. He wants the his house renovated but complaints loudly that tradesmen and impacting on his privacy. He has alwaus been a negative person but his illness has made this so much worse. He is just plain rude to me and the thradesmen so I have stopped doing what HE ask me to do around the house. he seems to be two people, A rational pleasant person when the community nurses are there anda spiteful person when they are not. I think he still harbours anger from when I divorced him 22 years ago. He doen't see me coming to help him as a kindness/friendly thing to do. he sees it as my duty and says things like "Now you belong to me" it is just very strange. The sad thing is that even though I tell myself it's the illness or medication it still hurts and I ask myself why am I even here but then I feel guilty to even consider that otherwise he would be totally on his own. I am a bit concerned that the memories I will have of him will be hateful as a friend says these are the memories she has of her sister who died last year. I suppose having cancer doesn't change a person into a saint as was already mentioned but it is sad that it can exaggerate some of the less desireable personality traits. Only those who have experienced this can believe how really difficult it is. I hope your husband and John can move past the anger to find peace towards the end and that the memories can be loving ones. Take care of yourself and take little breaks if and when you can to smell the flowers and gaze at the stars. Remember you are not alone. This site is a godsend!!!!
_________________
Ex husband's diagnosis was January 2006, stage IV bowel cancer with met to liver and lungs. Current chemo treatment 5FU + Avastin 24/7 pump plus radiation to pelvic area and planning radiation spheres injected directly into the liver tumours.

pjean · Regular Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 25 Location: minnesota

I know all about brain mets,my fiance had a ton of it on the brain. I knew nothing about cancer until now and had no idea that brain tumors can cause mood changes,have you brought this up to the doctor. I know the both of us have reflected alot on our past along with what the future may bring.How is his outlook on life? he is very lucky now given a second chance and needs to look on the positive side(I know its easier said than done) this cancer ride is nothing but a roller coster ride of emotions,my fiance has had is anger issues but I tell myself is it the tumor talking or just his normal feelings. I can totally understand your side,just hang in there and do what is best for the both ofyou.Take care....please

Darwin · Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: Re: Anger Issues

I don't know about Jo Ann but my ex doesn't have brain mets. I thought he may have and they did a pet scan and MRI but he doesn't have them. I just think it's the trauma of this horrid disease bringing out traits there were part of the personality already. Oh well there are better days too. I cannot imagine what it must be like so I won't make judgements just relating what it's like to be on the receiving end at times.
_________________
Ex husband's diagnosis was January 2006, stage IV bowel cancer with met to liver and lungs. Current chemo treatment 5FU + Avastin 24/7 pump plus radiation to pelvic area and planning radiation spheres injected directly into the liver tumours.

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