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detailer03
New User
Joined: 21 Aug 2007
Posts: 1
Location: Glendale, AZ
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 Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 9:22 am Post subject: I do not know how to deal with it. |
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My brother in law is doing very poorly. I forgot the name of the cancer, but he has had spinal fluid replace, and everything else. He is in his mid 40's and was very healty. He went in the hospital in Nov 06 with extreme back pain. Long story short he is deteriorating rapidly. All they can do now is handle the pain. They live in NJ, I live in AZ. My son and I visited just over a year ago, and all seemed well. My mom and sister are taking care of things there.
They have told me to give him a call. Talk to him. My sister and I were never that close, but still family. He is a really great guy.
What do I say when I call him. What do I talk about? How do I start the conversation. I have never had to deal with this.
I need advice. Please help. |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 3788
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:10 pm Post subject: Re: I do not know how to deal with it. |
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Hi detailer, I am so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law's deteriorating condition! The fact that the two of you live so far apart must make the situation that much harder on all of your family.
Yes, a call to him is a good alternative to a visit. My advice is just be yourself. Tell him how you feel about him and his cancer but then let him do most of the talking. You can ask some open ended questions to stimulate the conversation, but let him talk.
Best wishes,
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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cdflisa
Regular
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:12 pm Post subject: Re: I do not know how to deal with it. |
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I am so sorry to hear about the deterioration of your brother in law. It does make it hard when you are so far away from someone that is such a great person.
If you don't feel comfortable or don't know what to say, send him a card. Send him something so that he knows that you're thinking of him. Write your thoughts down in a letter to him, I am sure he would appreciate that.
When my mom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, (i'm only 27) I kept pressing her for details of what she was going through. Of course she didn't want to burden with me wth them because she didn't want me to worry. I would ask how she's doing and she would say "fine". I knew everything wasn't fine. I sent her cards to tell her what I felt and how I felt. She told me she enjoyed them very much.
Near the end I did get to talk to her more about her illness. She finally opened up and accepted that she wasn't going to be here for long.
Please take some time to get in touch with him, I am sure you will feel better about it in the long run!
Take care,
Lisa |
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1347
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:23 am Post subject: Re: I do not know how to deal with it. |
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I'm sorry to hear of your sad news. It is hard to be so far away from someone that you want to care and support, or just "be there for"
I agree with all the other advice, a card a chat, a letter. But sometimes for someone who has others to tell and talk to about the illness or problems they are going through- need a laugh or a friendly "no cancer" chat.
I only say this , as i had a dear friend. And After she passed, i recieved a long letter- thanking me for all the "normal" chats i had.
The chats of how my rotton day was, or the fuuny things that happened, how i acidently removed a womens whole eyebrow, with waxing. How my son learnt a new funny noise.......just "normal" was what she wanted. A long Conversation about life.
If you feel you can't write or talk about it. Then just say hi.
Hope this helps a little
Take care IN.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
 9 Lives and still kicking |
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