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 Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:00 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A Walmart Customer
I was in Walmart buying a large bag of meaty-bites for my Labrador retriever and was in line to the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty-Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with meaty-bites nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no…. I'd started to chase cars weels, and one hit me. "
thats one was bad- but had to share.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:03 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Here is one to even out the women V's men jokes.
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.
Whose funeral is it? The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied sadly, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered not so sadly, "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue"
 (not to offend anyone)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:11 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Duck walks into a bar and sits down at the bar....
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO!
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO!!
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: This is a bar, we don't have any bread.
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO!!
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO!!!
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU, YOU ANNOYING DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD!!!
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: NO
Duck says: got any bread?
Bartender says: IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE ($%^&) TIME IF I'VE GOT ANY BREAD, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR ($%^&) BEAK TO THE BAR!!!!!!!
Duck thinks........
Duck says: got any nails?
Bartender says: no
Duck says: got any bread?
(  I didn't say the jokes were all good)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:15 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face, I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, ? Drink your bloody beer in your god damn frozen mug and eat your ($%^&) snacks, because you are married now and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, .........?"
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Life Is Short
They say It takes a minute
to find a special person,
An hour to appriciate them.
A day to Love them,
But then a Life Time to Forget them.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Not A Joke , But i wanted to share this one.
A Man in a Hurry
It was a busy morning, about 8:30 , when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in
a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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The kind of Doctor we all like........ 
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DOCTOR/PATIENT QUESTIONNAIRE
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. I n fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
SMILE!! - i liked this one.
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:35 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.They got behind a very LARGE woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat! "The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bottom is this wide!" The LARGE woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Men strike back! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat! a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle it!
But wait....I will find one to pay the men back 
Inica
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:49 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Not as mean as the men one- but still good.
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying ....... YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause
they know it's true. (yes we do)
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 10:06 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
7. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because we need someone boss around and mow the lawn)
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| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 10:12 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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And finally- but not least....
Another One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Universityof Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
-----------------------------------------------------------
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:17 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Q. How do you keep a idiot in suspense?
A. I'll let you know tomorrow!
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:34 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:46 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks,
"what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says,
Wait for it!
"Play It? I'm gonna to take her to bed, once I get her pyjamas off"
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