How to (not) tell your family/friends

Angel88 · New User Joined: 28 Oct 2007 Posts: 3

A while ago the docter discovered something during a routine health check up. They discovered that I had a genetic colon disorder that will eventualy lead to a few hundered benign polyps to transform into malignant tumors.

The whole proces kind of numbed me and at first I didn't know if I should tell anyone or keep quite until I was a 100% sure about everything.
In the initial stage some friends where aware that I was going to the hospital because I told them when they caught me off guard. The looks on their face and everything that came with it just.. I don't even know how to describe what it made me feel like, just very scared that they would end up being very hurt.

From that moment on I did tell them a few bits but ended up with "everythings alright" the polyps haven't transformed. A little white lie, that ended up doing them alot of good.

I have personaly visted a handfull of doctors, mainly because the treathment methodes that excist right now will send me down a rather painfull and misformed life that I do not wish for. Very invasive surgery that doesn't offer exclusion from getting cancer. My personal choice is to rather live a good 10 happy years than live 20 deformed onces. I would laugh at people that said stuff like that but it's kind of scary.. when you really think about it.

I am scared that if friends find out that they will push me into a choice that... I don't want. What I'd really like to know is if there are more people out there facing that same (moral) issue. "I don't have to tell them because it will hurt them..." and so on... and not undergoing treatment because there isn't one that will still over a reasonable quality of life.

ksplat · Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 5:47 pm Post subject: How to (not) tell family/friends

Dear Angel88

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about the colon disorder. What a burden for you to bear. The treatment options sound very unappealing to say the least. I'm with you on the decision to live 10yrs of quality over the other choice. Although, to make that decision is very courageous of you & I admire you for that.

To hell with what the family & friends think! It's your choice, your life, your health. I would be pig headed & stubborn when it came to the treatment choice for me. I can relate to this as 2 yrs ago when my kidneys failed due to a rare illness I was given 2 choices for home treatment. My renal Dr told me & my family if it was him he would choose haemo dialysis where I would be hooked up to a dialysis machine overnight for 8 hrs, the other choice was peritoneal dialysis, where I would need to do 4 exchanges through the day (only ½ hr each exchange). My Husband & family told me that I should go with what the Dr suggested. I chose the other because I didn’t want to be tied down to a machine for 8 hrs! I have 2 young children that could have needed me through the night for any reason. My decision was the best for me & my kidney results proved that I had chosen correctly.

Go with your heart, trust your own choices, because ultimately you are the one who has to live with those choices.

My thoughts & prayers are with you, all the best. Cheers, Aussie Angie.
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http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

In

Angel88 , I'm so sorry about your health. I'm glad that you have found this Forum, It should help you heaps, even if to just rant and rave about everything- or bare your soul.

Do what is best for you, Take time and Care in making your decision. It's a hard decision in what to do with Family and friends.

*me= I'd make my decision- then get everyone together, and say. "This is what is happening, and as my Family and Friends- I don't want to hear you opiouns, or advice- just your support and love. If you truely want to be here for me, then that is it. I don't want to hear any more about it"

I have done this a time or two, as my family/friends, are head strong. And often "want whats best for me".

Good luck- and stay in contact.
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yayajanuary · Regular Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 11

Hi Angel...
my name is Yaya....

5 month ago when my mom diagnosed with cancer, we (the family) didn't want anybody else to know.

But letting someone else to know about my mom's sickness somehow made us stronger, because I know they will include us in their prayers.

happyfeet · Regular Joined: 11 Dec 2007 Posts: 12 Location: London UK

[quote="In"]Angel88 , I'm so sorry about your health. I'm glad that you have found this Forum, It should help you heaps, even if to just rant and rave about everything- or bare your soul.

Do what is best for you, Take time and Care in making your decision. It's a hard decision in what to do with Family and friends.

*me= I'd make my decision- then get everyone together, and say. "This is what is happening, and as my Family and Friends- I don't want to hear you opiouns, or advice- just your support and love. If you truely want to be here for me, then that is it. I don't want to hear any more about it"

I have done this a time or two, as my family/friends, are head strong. And often "want whats best for me".

Good luck- and stay in contact.[/quote]
-------------------------------
In that's nice advice - I will use it tomorrow (when we get our first prognosis meeting) and put it to my brother to decide what he wants. He has lived his life doing what others want (mainly our parents) and has learning difficulties and tomorrow the doctors will talk to him.

I'm starting to think that it would be best for him to have nobody there and for the docs to talk to us separately.

lunula · New User Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 4

Dear Angel88,

Wow. I'm so sorry for your diagnosis and for what you are going through. I absolutely admire your courage!

I've dealt with cancer many times -- both of my parents (only one survived), my 3-year-old niece, 3 of my grandparents, 2 of my close friends -- even I've had skin cancer twice.

Last year, my closest friend in the world, Mark, died of cancer. I've had a difficult time dealing with it not only because he is gone and we have been friends since high school (20 years), but because he made the decision not to tell any of us until he was so ill that he only had 8 days left (and he couldn't hide it anymore).

The decision is yours -- only YOU know what you are going through and only you can decide how to deal with it. I completely respect that.

That said, I would encourage you to think very hard about not telling those closest to you...

I was not only so sad about losing my best friend, but I felt like he didn't love me enough to tell me the truth - like he didn't trust me or want me there. He wasn't sparing my feelings. I would've done anything for him and after his death, I felt...cheated out of just being there for him.

Dealing with a loved-one's cancer diagnosis makes a person feel so helpless. When my father was ill, doing small things for him made me feel like I could DO something. But when I found out Mark was in the final stages of dying, I couldn't do anything. I felt even more helpless, more sad and hurt.

I know why he did it, but it pains me to no end knowing that he went through all of it completely alone when I WANTED to be there for him. It would've helped my grieving process after he was gone had I been able to look back and remember the little things I did to help him through his most difficult time. That's what friends are for...

In the end, it is your choice, but if they really love you, you probably aren't doing them a favor by not telling them. At least not in my experience. I understand not wanting to tell people - I didn't tell anyone but my husband after my 2nd melanoma diagnosis...but only because I knew the doctors had gotten it all and it hadn't spread. I knew I'd be okay and I didn't want to needlessly worry anyone.

Sorry to ramble. Best of luck to you and I hope you remain at peace with whatever decision you make.

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