What to tell my 10 year old about her moms cancer.

Real54 · New User Joined: 11 Nov 2007 Posts: 1 Location: NYC

My ex wife of 3 years has stage 3 tonsil cancer which has spread to at least 1 lymph node. The tumor is visable on the swollen side of her neck. We had a horrible marriage with major animosity to this day but her condition brings up some strong protective emotions - especially regarding our 10 yr old daughter. My ex has explained to our daughter that she has cancer but hasn't told her how life threatening it may be. A recent full week in the hospital for the first round of chemo ( including a day in IC for blood issues ) plus all the physical issues like pain, weight loss with a stomach tube installed, nausea etc.etc. have our daughter VERY aware that somethings wrong but she still thinks it's on a level even with the mumps or flu. In other words she has no true idea of the condition her mom is in.

Should I leave our daughters 'perception of reality' as is until we see which way this journey heads? Should her mother be the one to open the door to what the stakes TRUELY are? When should our daughter be told there's a chance her mom might not make it? The family is doing their best to support my ex- but her mood, energy and 'fight' seem very low. To say there's worry out here is an understatement.

brainman

Real54, I am so sorry about your ex wife's cancer and how difficult this is for your daughter. My experience with kids is they are extremely sensitive to any type of tension within the family. At 10, she already has seen cancer portrayed on TV and in movies... some times totally incorrect portrayals I might add. She probably has had friends who had family members with cancer. My basic advice to parents is to tell them as much as they want to know. Be honest and answer her questions truthfully. You do not have to set your daughter down for a "talk" but you should let her know that if she has any questions you will give her truthful answers. You might want to ask her to tell you what she thinks is going on with her mother. Children who do not have all of the facts will create "monster in my closet" type fantasies that are not true and not healthy in the long run.

Bottom line is, you know your daughter better than anyone else on this forum. You have to do what you think is best for her.

Good luck.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In

Real54, I'm so sorry to hear of you Ex- wife's Cancer. I think all of Jim's advice is good. I would sit down together and ask her what she thinks is happening, be honest and ask questions as close to the truth as possible. She will appiate it in the long run.

Maybe even a childrens counsellor. or advice off one. To help.

Best wishes with that.
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Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
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brainman

Some times children express their feelings and fears best through games or art. Pay close attention to how and what she is playing and the artwork she is doing at home or at school. They am give you significant clues as to what she is truly feeling... even if she cannot express it in words.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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