What to tell 3-year-old

BrucesWife · New User Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Wisconsin

My husband has just been diagnosed with cancer of the stomach/esophagus. We have no details ourselves yet, so don't really know what we're up against. It does not look good as my husband wasn't diagnosed until after he had already become too weak to continue his normal activities. Now, in spite of doing all I can to be upbeat and keep a normal routine, our 3-year old son seems to sense something is wrong. He can't verbalize it, but he's become very withdrawn and has almost completely quit talking. This is not my normal chatter box. What can I do to help him? How can I explain all this to him?

My first husband died suddenly and left me with 2 preschool age boys, so I feel like I should know what to do, but I don't.

Thanks for any ideas.

In · Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject: Re: What to tell 3-year-old

BrucesWife-and amazing mum.-

It's so hard because there is never a wrong/right thing to say. And every child is different. It seems as you guys are trying to keep things as "?normal" as possible for him. But it doesn't seem to be working, so maybe you need to talk to a professional, about how to deal, or tell him. If he was a little older, you could explain it too him, about how sick daddy is etc. and he would understand. At this age it's hard, he can feel that something is wrong and the tension, but not understand why. A proffessional could even help you tell him, or explain it to him. Is there a Cancer counselor there somewhere? (make sure you have a childrens one).

You have your hands full. but you will get there. Your doing the right thing, and always have support here for any questions, or advice.

good luck.
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dragonmom4 · Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject: Re: What to tell 3-year-old

Hello BrucesWife, I'm so sorry you're going through this . I'm sorry for your husband and your son. I faught cancer for 3 yrs while my son went from diapers to big boy pants. He's 4 now so my husband and I know what you and your husband are going through right now. My doctor gave me one more yr, before a surgeon stepped up and found a way to prolong my life, so we decided it was time to tell the kids why mommy was always in the hospital and/or the bed. As a parent I know how hard it is for us to accept that our babies are smarter and understand more than we give them credit for. So sit your son down with your husband and look into his eyes, make sure there is nothing going on that could distract him. It's going to be emotional so you have to make sure you have no fear in your own eyes, that way he can feel that everything will be ok. But right now his daddy is very sick. Don't tell him his daddy might not make it and never make a promise to your son you can't keep, i.e. daddy will never leave you. Your son will hold you to it. Be as strong as you can for your son and your husband. After it's all over, the treatments meds or whatever the outcome may be , you then can show your pain and sorrow. But right now the men in your life need you to be that strong woman God made you to be. I'm here for you whenever you need me, even if that means you need to email me privately just to have an outlet to vent . I know the pain, the grief, the anger; i know it well. Everyone here knows it intimately . We are all here for you and your family. With all my love, Kat
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brainman · Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:29 pm Post subject: Re: What to tell 3-year-old

BrucesWife, you have been through so much. I am so sorry that your husband has cancer. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for being. At the same time, at 3 years, your son will not be able to understand much and he will tend to be very concrete in thinking. He will tend to understand simple terms with which he has had some personally experience. He already senses that something is wrong. Unless you tell him something, his mind will create "monsters" to explain this unknown cause of distress in his family. I would simply tell him that your husband is in the hospital a lot because he is very sick and the doctors are trying to find the best way to help him. He may have one or two questions, but if you project an air of assurance and maybe a big hug, he will jump down assured that you are taking care of his father.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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LostMyFriend · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:09 am Post subject: Just my opinion

I am very sorry you are going through what you are going through; it just isn't fair. Sometimes though, life just isn't fair so we all have to try and deal with it the best way we know how. You will know when it is time to talk to your son. I have always heard though that we need to let our kids be kids and not burden them with matters of adulthood. When a parent is sick, I have always been told that the child should not be told of the direness of the situation until the parents looks very sick. If the parent can still do some functioning things, it is better to tell the child that the parent just isn't feeling well. My best wishes to you at this very difficult time.

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