Mother-in-law refuses to see dr. and we're ALL concerned

vielavesta

Let me begin by saying that I don't have 100% of the information regarding my mother-in-law's symptoms. What I know is limited to what my father-in-law has told me today. I knew NOTHING of this before today. Also let me stress that my mother-in-law is NOT aware that the whole family knows about her fears that she has breast cancer, so we all feel that our hands are tied. But I would like some opinions because the information that I've found on the internet isn't fitting with her symptoms necessarily. And moreover, I just want to know how concerned we need to be...

So this is what I do know. My mother-in-law has become completely reclusive. She has alienated herself from family gatherings and from the lives of her grandchildren. I have seen her twice in the past 8 months, whereas I used to see her weekly, at least. She has stopped teaching Sunday School, something that was very important to her. She is 52 years old; today is her birthday.

As far as symptoms, she has had a very severe, persistent whooping cough for almost a year. Over the past month, she has started to vomit after every meal (not purging). She has weeping sore(s) on her breast(s) that have been growing in size - I do not know where/how many/type of discharge. There has been a very foul smell in her presence for several months and tonight, my father-in-law said that it was coming from her breast. It is extremely pungent to me, at least. I've sensed it the past couple times that I've seen her.

She has NOT seen a doctor and these things have been going on for the better part of a year, beginning with the cough. I do not know if the cough is related, when the sores on the breast(s) developed, anything... I just know a few of the symptoms and that she is incredibly stubborn and fearful. She is convinced - whether she's researched online or not, I do not know - that she has breast cancer. And to everyone's frustration, she will not see a doctor. Apparently, she told my father-in-law that she would several times, but hasn't. In my opinion, he needs to carry the woman into the emergency room immediately, but he feels that it would betray her in some way, that she needs to go on her own accord.

My immediate concerns/questions are: Does this sound like it could be cancer? Perhaps IBC if the secretion is coming from the nipple itself? And how can I tell her that I know about all of this and that she really must go see a doctor? I am so scared for her, and I'm feeling incredibly helpless and frustrated. I cannot even imagine how my father-in-law is feeling and, of course, I'm frustrated with him, too, for allowing this all to progress to the point that it has.

Your advice/experience would be incredibly appreciated. Thank you!

Jayme

brainman

Hi Jayme, I am very sorry about the situation with your mother-in-law. I do not know whether she has cancer or not but it definitely could be a terribly advanced cancer that has grown so much that it is secreting some form of liquid through either her nipple or even the skin itself. It may also have spread into her lungs which explains the cough. I have only heard of one case that was as advanced as what I am describing to you and what, quit frankly, sound like what is happening with your mother-in-law. In that other case, the woman had also refused to see a doctor until it was far too late. I heard about her in a tumor board review of her case trying to come up with options for treating her. I do not remember what they eventually did for her.

The only thing you can do is violate whatever code of family behavior is keeping this a secret and tell your mother-in-law to go see a doctor at once. Initially, you may be resented by other family members but they will soon see that what you are doing is out of love for your mother-in-law.

I cannot begin to express how sorry I am for you and your whole family. You and your mother-in-law are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Muttsmom

HI Jayme,

It could be a horrible infection that's throughout her body because it's been left untreated, cancer or I'm sure other things. She definitely needs to go to a doctor, but you already know that. Even if it's an infection, one that bad can't keep being ignored. Your FIL needs to drag her to a doctor even if it's with her kicking and screaming. Fear is not going to stop whatever is going on but it will keep it going and getting worse and worse.

My prayers are with you.
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

vielavesta

Thank you, Jim and Nancy, for your responses.

I have expressed my concerns to my father-in-law. Today is Nancy's (my mother-in-law) birthday, so my FIL is going to wait until tomorrow to take her to a doctor. It sounds like he is committed to dealing with this, whether she goes willingly or, as you said, kicking and screaming. If it goes beyond tomorrow, I will be taking matters into my own hands.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. And of course, I will update you on the prognosis.

Jayme

brainman

Hi Jayme, I am very glad that your father-in-law will be taking her to see her doctor. However, it is her God given and USA law protected right to make health care decisions for herself. I just hope she is not letting fear cloud her judgement on this issue.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

vielavesta

UPDATE:

Nancy went to the hospital last night, fairly reluctantly. Thankfully, we live just outside of Baltimore, so we have access to GBMC, which is affiliated with Johns Hopkins.

Her nurse, after her initial exam, said to her, "Nancy, we have two things in common. First, my name is also Nancy. Second, I'm a cancer survivor and you will be, too!" In her health history, Nancy revealed that she found a lump two years ago and did nothing about it. Now, we are facing what is perhaps advanced breast cancer and wondering if her chronic cough indicates that the cancer has spread. Tests are being done today and hopefully, we will know more soon.

I have many concerns, of course, and so many questions. We all just want answers... I am scared that her cough is, in fact, a sign that the cancer has spread. I am also concerned about her body. She will need a mastectomy, but it sounds as if her arm is also in jeopardy, as the cancer has been allowed to eat away at her underarm a great deal. Now it's just a waiting game to hear the test results and it's all very unsettling. It's so easy to speculate and so very hard to have to wait to hear if your worst fears are confirmed.

I understand to some extent why she did nothing to be proactive about the lump. She claims that life just kept getting in the way. But it's just so far beyond my comprehension how she allowed this to go on for so long. I desperately want to be there for her but don't know how or what she needs... If anyone has advice, it would be much appreciated.

Thank you again for your responses and for your thoughts and prayers. It seems that this is the worst case scenario but we all have an incredible amount of faith that Nancy will be able to fight this.

Thanks again, Jayme

brainman

Jayme, I am very glad that your MIL is getting medical attention now. Hopefully, in a few days you will have a clearer picture of what you are dealing with.

As of what you can do: I tend to be one of those people who would rather overstep someone else's boundaries and be told to move back than not go far enough and have people ask "where is he?" If I where you, I would start by visiting your MIL as often as possible. Then, when she returns home, I would try to help her around the house, do chores for her, run errands for her, etceteras. If you do too much, she or someone will tell you to back off. But that is just me.

Best wishes.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In

I totally agree.

I found that It was nicer to help- while they had a rest. So they didn't feel like they were watching you do it all, or feeling useless. Then if the wake and say anything- just say you like to be busy and do stuff. Smile

When they wake up it's already done- I would then play cards, do nails and girly stuff (female friend). Or just chat and be there.

Mother In Laws love to tell you about their son/daughters. Maybe a photo Alburn you could both put together with captions etc. ?
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 698 Location: UK

Hi Jayme,

I have followed your posts with interest and am so glad your MIL has finally agreed to seek help.

You ask how can someone leave it so long - many many women do. When I was diagnosed it was basically not a surprise. I had known for some time that something was wrong, but life got in the way. I was too busy. The surgeon who was at that time treating me said he had known many cases where cancer had been firmly ignored.

I think also that there is still a residual fear that a diagnosis of breast cancer is an inevitable and rapid death sentence, particularly for older people who remember the time in the past when the only treatment was mastectomy.

Modern treatments can do a great deal to extend life and I do hope that something can be found to help.

Muttsmom

Hi,

To some extent, I can understand the fear of the unknown, but when I found my lump, I went and got it checked. Even though I had no hx, which found out later that has little to do with most BC's and I was "young" I knew the lump didn't belong there. I called a surgeon myself when I was told to come back in a year because the mammogram didn't pick up what I and my doc clearly felt. Fear is very real when it comes to cancer, but ignoring it just makes it grow and spread.

I pray it's not in her lungs, but it is suspicious. Ladies are Stage IV and chemo can kick butt and keep them stable and I know of one lady that had IBC, had it spread to her lungs, nodes and liver and she went back NED (No Evidence of Disease) and has been there for 2 years. Stable is the most realistic hope, but stable is a good thing. I pray she'll take treatment.

As Jim said, be there for her, help when you feel you can and if she doesn't want you to, she'll say something. I wanted to be as independant as I could, especially living alone and not wanting my parents to make the drive to help, but when I needed help, I would ask. Everyone handles it different and you'll know. Having her family around and being supportive and just knowing she has people that love her will be a big help Smile

Keep us posted!!
_________________
Nancy
2/14/02 ILC 43 - 5.5 cm 9+/16 nodes
Stage IIIA er/pr+ Her2-
2/02 MRM
FECx6 radsx33
Tamoxifen - Arimidex (chemo induced menopause)
4/03 SM w/bilat. recon.
9/03 expanders removed
5/04 repair reconst. disaster
10/04 Actonel for bone/joint pain from Arimidex
NED - 5 years
3/07 Diabetes
In memory of Kim 12/1/04

vielavesta

Nancy has to be incredibly afraid. I cannot imagine waking up every single morning, thinking that I am dying of breast cancer. I'd MUCH rather wake up every single morning, knowing that I'm living in spite of cancer and fighting it to the best of my ability! To some extent, I know and am doing my best to continue to understand why Nancy ignored these terrible, terrible symptoms. And of course, I'm not the one in her shoes, so I really can't ever know 100%. I just pray that she submits completely and gives her situation up to the doctors and let's go of the fear. We are here and we'll make it through...

The only new information that today brought was that Nancy may be allowed to go home for the weekend while awaiting the test results. This seems quite ridiculous to me, as the wound on her breast is so large and so deep. I don't think that they'll end up sending her home, but we'll all know more tomorrow.

Thank you all again, so, so much! With three very young children and a husband who is in China for meetings for the next 3 weeks, you are helping to keep me afloat in some very rough waters. Thanks!

brainman

Fear may have been her motive but there is at least one other: resignation to a perceived result based on wrong information. Your mother-in-law may have just given up thinking, incorrectly, that she had no hope of living a long and meaningful life. The reality is that women do live long and meaningful lives if they get diagnosed and treatment early. Even at this possibly late stage, your mother-in-law may still live several more years with good quality of life. I do not know what was in her heart but I would try to understand it so that you can help her through whatever time she has left.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

vielavesta

Jim, ABSOLUTELY!!!!! I couldn't agree with you more! Out of the whole family, even my father-in-law, I think I can relate to Nancy the most - we're both women who thrive and live to take care of others. I have been talking to her a lot over the phone and continue to remind myself to open my mind and heart to her entire situation. I just love her so much and it pains me to no end to see her this way. It seems that she does have hope - and where she falls short, we will push forward.

I am headed to visit her tonight with some flowers and treats that I know she normally enjoys, so hopefully my visit will bring her some joy. I will post about the visit this evening, I'm sure.

brainman

The more you write, the more I think I understand about Nancy and about you. She has a "helper" personality. Take that away from her (as cancer can do to some extent) and you have taken away her identity and reason to live. Soooo, what you need to do is help your mother-in-law see how she can still help others Wink

. She is lucky to have you as a daughter-in-law.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

vielavesta

Jim - I think I experienced a moment of enlightenment there! I sit here stunned, wondering why I didn't "get it" before... And you're so, SO right! Now will be the challenge of trying to make her see that we need her but not burden her in the process! I think/hope my children will be instrumental in that - more than anything, they need their MomMom!

So I took Nancy flowers and peanut M&M's last night. She seemed to be in good spirits but oscillated between quiet/brooding and her normal, loving, happy self. This much I expected. She has very definitely lost a substantial amount of weight and of course, a hospital stay (with no shower) will age one significantly. All in all, it was a very nice visit.

Nancy leaves the hospital today, right now, as they are short-staffed with it being the week of Thanksgiving. She will return to the hospital for a consultation and to get a port inserted on Wednesday at 10am. The results from the entire gamut of tests will be back by then and hopefully, Nancy will get some answers. We are unsure whether she will be re-admitted then, with it being Thanksgiving the following day, or what they will do.

So I am waiting to see what will happen. With my husband (ScotT) being away, I was going to take my troops up to Philadelphia where my family is located and spend a few days visiting. However, I cannot commit to being away from Nancy and Scott's family until we have some definitive answers, and until she knows where she will spend the holiday and most importantly, what NANCY wants to do. I have the feeling that I won't be able to leave the Baltimore area, even if we just order Chinese and lounge at the hospital with Nancy.

I do have some concerns about my 4 1/2 year old son, Gavin, and how to discuss Nancy's health with him. All he knows is that she is currently in the hospital to recover from illness. (My two daughters are 21 months and 9 months, so my concerns aren't as much about them.) Is it inappropriate for him to see her in this condition? Is it inappropriate for him to visit her in the hospital? Another smaller concern is that he says something rude, as 4 year olds are so candid, about her odor or appearance. On the other hand, Nancy and Gavin are very close and I feel evil keeping him from seeing her, too.

So many thoughts and questions and concerns... Thank you all, again, for your kind words and thoughtful prayers. You are helping me to be the best person that I can be for Nancy, so that we can all hold hands as a family and move forward together.

Thanks again, Jayme

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