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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:16 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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THE FINAL INSPECTION
The Soldier stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, you Soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"
The Soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No, my Lord, I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a dollar,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, you Soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
~Author Unknown~
It's the Soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
It's the Soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Soldier, not the politicians, that ensures our right to Life, Freedom and the Pursuit of Happiness.
It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.
If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for our Armed Services Men & Women, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.
THESE COLORS DON'T RUN
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:19 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Lover's Lane
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.
'Yes officer?'
'I have to ask you, what are you doing?'
'Well sir, I am reading a magazine.'
'What about the young lady in the backseat?'
The young man turns to look behind him. 'Well, I think she is knitting a
pullover sweater.'
'How old are you young man?' the officer asks.
'I am 21 Officer.'
'And the girl?'
The young man looks at his watch. 'Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:23 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Last week I was in Melbourne attending a conference.
While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer.
I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.
Moving through the terminal was a group of soldiers in their uniforms, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.
When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded Australian who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families. Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work, and enjoy our home without fear or reprisal.
Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers.
He knelt down and said 'hi,' the little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.
The young soldier didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy.
Suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.
The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Corporal and had been in Afghanistan for 5 months now.
As the mum was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.
When this temporarily single mum was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second.
Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie.
They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.
After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, 'I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you.'
He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a Kiss on the cheek.
He finished by saying 'Your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon.'
The mum at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mum.
I was standing no more than 6 feet away as this entire event unfolded.
As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause.
As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own.
That young soldier in one last act of moment turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.
We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices.
_ Not a JOKE. but a specail thought
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
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brainman
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Joined: 13 Oct 2005
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:17 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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PLEASE NOTE : CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!
Apparently YOU told Santa you were good this year,
He Died Laughing.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:19 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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BUNNINGS HAS EVERYTHING. (USA= Walmart)
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money', Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunning's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . .
A lot cheaper than a doctor!?
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunning's. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Bunnings!
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe wondered if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from His wife and daughter and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Bunning's, eager to check the results. He deposits Ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Bunnings.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:45 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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This is the best..... The Holy Alphabet... This is Beautiful
A lthough things are not perfect
B ecause of trial or pain
C ontinue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
G od is forever able
H old on to what you know
I magine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
M ove out of 'Camp Complaining'
N o weapon that is known
O n earth can yield the power
P raise can do alone
Q uit looking at the future
R edeem the time at hand
S tart every day with worship
T o 'thank' is a command
U ntil we see Him coming
V ictorious in the sky
W e'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
'I AM Too blessed to be stressed!' The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. Love and peace be with you forever, Amen.
Not really a joke- but nice anyway. 
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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It's hard to find a friend who is :
95% Talented
96% Funny
97% Sexy
98% Loving
99% Intelligent
and
100% Sweet
So .
Don't lose me,
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:07 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady whinges cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and didn't pay cabs.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has crabs.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:08 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian
woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not
wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the
child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:10 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'One.'
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.'
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says,'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Painkillers for his wife's "HEADACHE" , and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:14 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"Life is like a jar of jalapeņos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow"
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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mybabiesbaby
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Joined: 12 Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:54 am Post subject: Little Johnny... |
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother, - Mommy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...
at this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little, Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
Mommy fainted!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
_________________
Donate Life
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~Evelyn
Mom has HEP C, Cirrhosis and HCC
Diagnosed with HCC July '07
Successful Liver Transplant on Jan. 19, 2008
Moms Story (Illness):
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6951
Moms Story (Transplant):
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8517 |
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mybabiesbaby
Regular
Joined: 12 Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:57 am Post subject: Little Carol :) |
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Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, she thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.
Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
_________________
Donate Life
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~Evelyn
Mom has HEP C, Cirrhosis and HCC
Diagnosed with HCC July '07
Successful Liver Transplant on Jan. 19, 2008
Moms Story (Illness):
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6951
Moms Story (Transplant):
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8517 |
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In
Site Admin
Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1370
Location: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 5:31 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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It's hard to find a friend who is :
95% Talented
96% Funny
97% Sexy
98% Loving
99% Intelligent
AND
100% Sweet
Sooo, Don't lose me, Okay
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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