Helen's Lung Cancer

helensgirl · Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:47 pm Post subject: Helen's Lung Cancer

My beautiful, classy mother, best friend, confidant, mentor, and now angel, died on 12/14/07 from NSCLC-adenocarcenoma, stage IV at diagnosis in June, 07...My heart is so heavy. I will not ever, ever be the same--nor will life itself. I watched as her body deteriorated from around 165 lbs to less than 100lbs...but I think that she was beautiful with or without cancer and it's horrible effects. I just want to hold her hand right now, and tell her how much I love and miss her. We had her "Celebration of Life" service and gathering today. We will receive her urn and ashes tomorrow...Tell me how long you have bouts of uncontrollable crying and begging her to come back and let me know that she's OK...Tell me how long I will feel this aching in my stomach...like I've been stabbed. She was 80 years so so very young...and looked like a 50 year old movie star. So many "what if's"...Did I do everything right?? Did I do enough??
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

ksplat · Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:48 am Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Dear Helensgirl
I am so very sorry to read your beautiful Mom lost her battle with lung cancer recently. I know how your heart is aching, I can empathise with the way you are feeling right now. Losing a parent is such a difficult time, especially when their health has deteriorated over time.
Your grieving is normal, how you are feeling is normal. It will take time but I know the aching & yearning will subside with time. You will have the moments of recall that will drag your mind back to the suffering your Mom had, but these memories will become more fleeting & not so hard on you. Also in time the bad memories can be replaced with fond & loving memories, in time your heart & mind & spirit will be more open to positive energies. Give yourself time & space. Lean on a friend if you can or even try some grief counselling.
Don't forget to offload here because we are here to support & comfort.
Lastly, the negative thoughts you are having about "did I do enough" or "did I do it right"....as soon as these come to mind, push these thoughts away, they will be detrimental to your healing. Get up & move around, go for a walk, do another activity to occupy your mind.
You will get through this. I know it.
My Prayers & thoughts are with you at this sad time.
Cheers, Aussie Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

helensgirl · Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:10 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Thank you so much for responding. This forum is just the right place to come for support and warm fuzzies. But I am not fine...not by any means. All I keep asking for is that she come to me like in my dreams. Maybe all of the grief is blocking my ability to "hear" her. I keep looking for signs. Crazy?? I ache with sorrow. I love her with my entire being.
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

In · Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 6:15 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Dear Helensgirl ,

First I'm so sorry i didn't reply earlier. I'm so sorry about the death of your Mother. Everything Angie says is true. Everything you are feeling is normal.
Your Mother is there, she knows you love her, she knows you know, she loves you. She is there beside you all the time. Those signs are there. They are just something that has always been there. When you stop and breathe, you'll see them. The memories, the thoughts, then the smiles will eventually follow.

Just think what would your Mother be saying right now, this very minute.....

"Don't cry, don't be sad, I'll always be there beside you" ???

Smile Helen and think of the good times and good memories. Celebrate your mum's life.

Take Care and we are always here for you.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

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9 Lives and still kicking Smile

helensgirl · Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 8:14 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Thank you...I need this place. The other nite I had another breakdown and was begging and pleading, "I want my mommy" like a 2 year-old. I was begging for God to let me go with her, and my companion of 16 years was saying "you don't want to stay here with me?" and I said that I didn't know how to live without my mom. I WANT HER HERE SO BADLY!!!!
But my belief system tells me that she loves me, no doubt, but she wouldn't want to come back here...I don't blame her, I guess. When I was a kid, she would sit me on her lap and hold me and rock me and tell me how much she loved me, and I can remember playing with her fingernails, while my head was laying on her chest, and I could hear her heart beating in my ear...classy, classy lady!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

helensgirl · Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 7:28 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Hi all,
What an exhausting day this was...so glad we're past Christmas day now...on to summer as for me. I WANT MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE HER, FEEL HER HAND IN MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I WANT TO HEAR HER VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a teacher, and have to go back on Jan. 4th, after having been on FMLA leave for the past 3 weeks...With this tremendous hole in my heart and soul, I have no desire to go back--I don't have anything left of myself to be able to do my job...I used to be 200%--100 miles per hour, (I'm a PE teacher)...now I just don't care-I don't care--I've nothing in my heart for it. What will I do?! How will I cope??!!
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

In · Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 12:34 am Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Children have huge hearts. They will make you feel better in yourself and in life in general. Go back to work- still greieve, but enjoy the children. Let your heart open to others. It takes Time. Let your partner in too, they are feeling your pain, they are watching you and feel hopeless. Let them rock you, love you.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

Shyviolet101 · New User Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

I feel your pain so much. I keep crying myself. My mother just died (53 years young) of breast cancer this Christmas eve. She aged so quickly the past year.. she went from looking her age to looking very, very old and elderly. Her own family didn't even recognize her. I have so many regrets too, and things I wish I'd done or said or helped her with. It's too late now. I understand that, even though it's so, so hard to accept. The reason children are so much happier and healthier than adults in general is that they are so full of hope for the future - and that's what you need to keep in mind too. I feel your pain so much that I want to reach through the computer screen and give you a huge, huge hug. Our pain is just so raw right now that it might seem almost impossible to get through this. I'm going through the exact same thoughts.. the same random bouts of crying and that urge to curl up and scream for mommy. I try to remind myself that this is what my own mother must have felt like when she lost her own mother years ago, and I try to hold onto what's left of my mother in myself. We are our mothers' legacies.

I am thinking about seeing some kind of therapist when I get back home after I receive her remains. You might want to consider the same if it is an available option for you.

helensgirl · Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 2:22 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Therapy might be a good thing for me...maybe, MAYBE, going back to teaching will help. My mom is my best friend, mentor, teacher, advisor, confidant, she is my hero...I know that she would want me to go on--to be the best person possible...but instead I feel an emptiness that is overwhelming. Does anyone out there believe in mediums and such?? I so desperately need to know if she's OK--that her spirit goes on...my faith is really being rocked right now, ya know??!!
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

helensgirl · Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 2:29 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Dear Shy,
(((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
I want my mom...I know you do too!! Keep in touch...
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

In · Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 8:36 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

I will put my hand up and say- Razz

- YES i do believe in mediums, clayvonts, card and palm readers. I have had many times been cryptic and critical- till proven wrong. No- i don't have blue hair, bangles and hoop earings everywhere, or dark and grotty feet, from wearing no shoes. Razz

often people get a negative thought about this......

I will say to be carful in this- as you can get suckered into giving money, and loose alot of your beliefs, if you put too much heart in this.

A therapist would be perfect for you. Someone to tell your heartful feelings, to know your deep saddness, and to confide in. I hope you look into this properly, and soon.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

helensgirl · Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 7:24 pm Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

Thanks In...
you guys are pretty good therapists yourselves! Today I've been thinking about my dad...he's got to be so lonely and sad without her. I grieve for my own loss--but I grieve even more for his loss. I have this feeling in the back of my mind that it hasn't even hit me yet, and I wonder what will happen when the reality actually hits. Will I go batty? Will I cry and not be able to stop? Will I be right in the middle of one of my classes and just pass right out? Go histerical? It's almost like I feel numb at the moment--does that mean that I'm past the bulk of the grief...or has it not even began yet? This numb feeling scares me--it's deceiving I think. All that's really clear to me right now is that I'm tired--just tired...
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

In · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 8:08 am Post subject: Re: Helen's Lung Cancer

I think what are you are going through is it all- The Stages....Different Stages of grief.

Please take note that being tired- from no sleep.worry.saddness etc. Is a sign of depression- everyone will go through some stage in their life. Some worse then others. Please see your G.P - doctor to help you pass this- even a mild dose can help you through this hard time....or just the chat to your doctor to keep them on the know.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

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