What Shall Friends Do, Say?

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Hello, All -- I am a transplant from the pancreatic cancer forum and very aware of the value of these online support communities.

Having said that --- one of my best friends was diagnosed yesterday with early stage cancer in her left breast. She will have a lumpectomy, lymph node biopsy and then radiation following surgery.

There is history of breast cancer in her family with no survivors.

My question to you all: What does a good friend say/do at the outset of such a diagnosis? After the surgery? Later? to a wonderful woman who believes she is facing a death sentence from this cancer? Do I rush in with casseroles? Do I pen small words of encouragement? Do I send flowers? All? None?

I will, of course, refer her to this site as your stories are very encouraging, but I need a plan for myself that will be helpful to her over the next few months. Thanks.

Big Sister

brainman · Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: Re: What Shall Friends Do, Say?

Hi Big Sister, while I do strongly believe in the good that a message board like this one can do, it is a totally different thing to deal with someone in person, as you are learning. The biggest difference is that it is easy to be objective on the forum where it is almost impossible to not be subjective when dealing with a friend.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to listen to her. If you truly listen to her, she will let you know what she needs, even if she does not specifically ask for anything from you. Just your friendship will be of great help.

You can also encourage her... breast cancer IS NOT the death sentence that it once was. Yes, she may not live to 93 but she might not die of cancer either. I am sure you have meet many women on this forum who are "long term" breast cancer survivors. Their stories can be a true source of encouragement to your friend and to you as you encourage her. I am not suggesting that you become a cheerleader for your friend, just a quiet source of courage for her when she has a hard time finding any hope. I often think of myself as hoping for my friends who are having a hard time hoping.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

samizme · New User Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

Please accet my sincerest sympathies. I supported my wife through 7 years of treatment for breast cancer and recently lost her in August last year.

I can only encourage you just to be there for your friend and try to be as positive and normal as you can. Be a listener and a shoulder, but remember she will not need you to solve her problems for her or to be a perfect source of solutions - listen to what she says (listening is more than hearing) and help her to share her burden as much as she can.

I realised that I would always be grateful for the time that I had with my wife and that no matter what happened, every new day was a time to cherish and make the most of. Once we had the diagnosis we made sure that we lived each moment to the full. I hope that your friend's illness does not turn out to be too serious in the long term but too many people in the later stages are too busy dying when then should be living each day and making the most of the time that they have. If you can help her to do this (even if things work out OK) what a wonderful gift you can give her.

With a positive attitude I found the later years of nursing my wife a very rewarding experience, with nothing unsaid and no regrets. How lucky were were to have that time together knowing how precious it was and being able to leave each other in a very tranquil and relaxed state of mind.

I wish you both well and hope most of this is not needed and that you shake this off and carry on with your lives. I would be happy to keep in touch if you wished and have several excellent books that I can recommend if this is of interest.

Sam
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Sam

flowers · New User Joined: 01 Jan 2008 Posts: 5

After being one year out from a form of breast cancer, chemo, & radiation, I've found great comfort from friends. After I was diagnosed, the phone started ringing of friends with words of love and encouragement, when chemo began, they knew how hard losing my hair would be, they threw me a big hat party! We ate and laughed and shared, I showed them all my bald head, and they played "You are So Beautiful" and I cried and they just encouraged me! I took home lots of beautiful hats and scarfs, I had one to match everything I wore! Everyday I received 3-5 cards in the mail, with words of encouragement. On the days I had chemo, my friends had a list, they all took turns taking me since my husband worked, they would sit next to me and we would visit, read or they just sat without saying a word. The other friend would line up at least 2-3 meals so my husband could eat, after my treatments because I was so sick. I would let them clean my house, if though I wanted to do it. I had a reaction to chemo that made me cry alot. They cried with me. They would always be encouraging, even though I felt so rotten. Cancer is not a death sentence anymore, if though she has lost some to cancer. Be an ear, and a shoulder, there maybe alot of shoes you have to wear to see her through, but just knowing she has a good friend will help her get through even the darkest of times. I used my friends alot. Prayer helped, when I heard my friend pray for me! That made me want to keep on for my husband, family and them. Hang in there, the road may get tough at times. Thank God For Friends!

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