My girlfriend has lung cancer, i need some help.

vtracer41 · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

I just recently found out that my girlfriend has lung cancer, at 20 years old. Its stage three and the doctors seem very positive about her outcome, but shes having some problems dealing with it.

Im 25 and we have been together for four months, and we are both madly in love and do plan on getting married. Once we got hit with this news, she didnt know how to take it. She decided that she wanted some space to deal wiht this better. Im the kind of person that wants to fix everything and help everyone, and now im in a situation where i feel like i cant do anythign at all and it kills me. She is very strong and independant and always puts other people before herself. She thinks its unfair to me that i have to go through this, and doesnt want me to worry about it. She has only told about 5 people about the cancer and plans to keep it that way. she thinks other people have enough problems to worry about, then to have to worry about her.

So ive given her some space, and thinkgs are getting better. But i miss her terribly and just want things to go back to normal. She still loves me and i love her the same, but i just wanted to know if this is normal behavior for someone who was just diagnosed. Shes been hanging out with other friends alot more now, but my family said maybe its becasue those friends dont know, and that it helps her deal with it. Being with me, it might be hard for her not to think about it.

Just looking for some advice, this is the abosolute hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. Specially ony at 25.

Thanks
Brent

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1009

Brent,

Oh, my heart is breaking over this for your girlfriend and you. Twenty years old??? This is by far the youngest I've seen.

This news is life changing and overwhelming to "older" people who have a lot of life experience under their belts. I can't imagine handling this at such a young age. You are very strong to reach out for some help and support.

She's in a denial phase right now. It's pretty typical for anyone with this diagnosis and their loved ones too. Almost textbook. Give her time, she'll come around and really need you once she starts treatment. She's a good person to want to put other's ahead of herself and I watched my husband do the same thing. They don't want you to worry and so they protect you. Stick it out, she'll come around.

My heart and prayers go out to you. Please know we are here to offer any support we can.

PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

RLW1 · Regular Joined: 03 Nov 2007 Posts: 31

Brent,
It's a guy thing. We want to "fix it." Sometimes all we can do is go along for the ride. Be strong and let her know you're there for her when, and if, she needs or wants you to be. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
RLW

vtracer41 · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Thank you so much. I was kinda hoping that was the case. She is comign around more than when we first foudn out a few weeks ago. She just had her first chemo treatment thursday. so now its really setting in that this is real.

yeah, 20 years old. she had a tumore on her lung the size of a quarter. When they did a pet scan they found more all over both lungs, towards the bottom. shes not a smoker or anything, they are thinking maybe its hereditary, her aunt had her whole lung removed when she was 18 for the same reason. now that was 50 plus years ago, but shes also now worried about children. She had talked about wanted lots of kids, she great with children and i love them too, but now, she doesnt want any. shes afraid if its hereditary, she doesnt want for her kids to have to go through this. oh well, im sure its just a stage right now.

Thanks again for the kind words.

B

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1009

I'm glad she's coming around. I saw your tattoo post and it's probably not a great idea when she'll be starting treatment. Have her ask her oncologist.

Women are fixers too, but I get called a control freak! Any time you're sitting on the other side of the diagnosis, you feel so darn helpless. I know I would have moved Heaven or Hell to make my husband well again. It's what you do when you love someone.

They haven't really proven a genetic link in lung cancer. I personally think that's a bunch of hooey though. I've also seen this run in families and imagine it will only be a matter of time before they find a link. I fret over my kids now.

Doctors said it was stage III? Have they determined what cell type it is?

Best of luck and again, please keep us posted.

God bless,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

satori22 · Regular Joined: 28 May 2007 Posts: 13

hi brent,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. Having lost my boyfriend at a young age, I know how hard this can be. You asked if her behavior is normal, and as others stated, it is very common. It can often be a little more than denial though. when my boyfriend was sick he pushed everyone away, even moving so we couldn't see him. He didn't tell me he had cancer until I pushed him to tell me what was wrong, and even then he told me through his assistant. I was really upset by it and afraid it meant he didn't love me enough, but I realized near the end that he did it all to protect me because he loved me more than anyone else and that i was the last person he wanted to leave or hurt--which made it that much harder for him to face the fact that he would eventually have to do both. Like your girlfriend, he said it wasn't fair for me to have to wait for a miracle that would not happen and that he just wanted me to let go and live my life and be happy. Your girlfriend likely feels the same way. She probably feels some guilt for putting you through this, even though it isn't her fault and she probably really just wants to protect you. but she also needs you. So try to keep in touch with her, even if she acts like she doesn't want to hear from you, she does. And she needs to. My boyfriend pushed me away, but i refused to leave him and he was very thankful that I stood by him and I know the little contact we had during his last months meant the world to both of us and gave him some of the only relief he could get. That said, i think her behavior is normal, but don't think that because she acts distant that she really feels that way. I truly am sorry for what you are going through and though what the two of you are going through is awful, you are both very lucky to have each other. I'm sure she realizes that since you seem to care for her very much. As for feeling helpless, well that is inevitable, but just let her know that you love her and that you will be there for her in whatever way you can. That is the greatest "fix" there is, and it will mean more to her than anything you actually DO. Best of luck to you both.

satori

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1009

God bless you Satori for your insight and willingness to reach out to Brent.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. So young to have had to go through this level of pain and hurt.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

vtracer41 · New User Joined: 21 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Thank you, everyone for all the help

Im not sure what all the info is on the cancer. Its one of those deals where i dont talk about it unless she brings it up. Shes been in such good spirits lately, i try and keep it that way. I know her mom knows all about it, but her mom and dad are an absolute mess about this. I was hoping at her next treatment she would ask me to take her, and i would ask her doctor about all of it.

I just dont want to ask her alot about it, and get her into a bad " funk " again about it. She came over last night to watch a movie, and is starting to come back around. Altho he couldnt stay long, after a long work day and the chemo is still wearing her out, she is feeling better than she did the day of the first treatment last week.

and about the tattoo, thats what i thought too. shes at the point now where she wants to do everything, but she usually thinks it through and realizes some things arent such a good idea. shes very smart, im sure shell do the same in this instance.

Thanks again,

Brent

pjean · Regular Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 25 Location: minnesota

She is young and maybe does not understand it all,My boyfriend was dx last year with 20 brain tumors,we are only 37.some days we feel like old people,so tired from stress but yet I have to take sleeping pills because my mind cant stop thinking.I think about all the things I did at your age and things I still want to do with him like a family.....we should not have to be dealing with this,maybe at 70 but not in our prime. She needs to surrond herself with lots of positive things and people,but I have to say sometimes we have a great support in our family and friends but sometimes people to do much out of the kindness of their heart but can get overwhelming. I would love to go some counseling if you can get her to go.go.Just dont give up...way to young

jocan · New User Joined: 27 Mar 2008 Posts: 7

i just found out today that my gf has stomach cancer. i feel your pain man. i have been crying and crying. we both home for spring break and yet we receive this news.

she might not come back with me to our college, to our place together because of therapy. she also has complications of her heart that has me worried.

i feel like the world is going to end. i wish i have control of things. she is my best friend and i am sooo scared.

all we can really do is hope for the best. i bought some melatonin to help me sleep. it is so tough that i have my phone on speakerphone while she's sleeping.

jocan · New User Joined: 27 Mar 2008 Posts: 7

also, i feel that i am the only positive thing in her life. i can't stand being away from her. but all i can do is be strong for her and be there for her.

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Lung Cancer Forum	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others