my dad has stage iv cancer

sam · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 11

My Dad was diagnosed with stage iv pancreatic cancer on the 23rd January.
He had stopped eating from beginning of December and lost an awful lot of weight over xmas. He doesn't have much of an appetite and can't get up easily. When he walks around now he gets very breathless. The cancer has apparently spread to his liver and lungs and he now has a terrible cough.
He is 69 and was fairly fit, although he did have a heart attack in August 2006.
He is going to see an oncologist on Thursday. He gets sharp pains in his chest occassionaly and back ache. He finds it hard to sit up and prefers to lie down.
The Doctors said he had a few months to live.... How do you know when the time is coming? He spends a lot of the day sleeping and his breathing is quite heavy? I live 4 hours away so my Mum is nursing him and I see him every Sunday and Monday.
The District Nurse and Macmillan Nurses are helping my Mum as well.
Sorry to twitter on but I am in a state of shock.
At the moment he takes Temazipam to help him sleep, paracetamol and codeine for the pain and an aspirin to keep his blood thin from when he had the heart attack.
Does anyone think my Dad could benefit from some chemotherapy or more tablets or is he just too weak? Please help me. I am a wreck at the moment.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 796 Location: UK

Hi Sam - I am sorry about your father's state. The oncologist will be able to indicate what might be possible to help - is there any chance you can be with your parents at this meeting? It might be a good thing if you were able to make it.

brainman · Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:31 pm Post subject: Re: my dad has stage iv cancer

Hi Sam. I really hate to hear this about your father Sad

. It sounds like he is getting close to the end. Of course, there is no way for me to know for sure, but if he is not eating, loosing weight, short of breath, weak, staying in bed and sleeping most of the time, to me that sounds like the last stages of this life Sad

.

Pancreatic Cancer is so very aggressive that he should already have been on aggressive treatment. At this point, it sounds like chemotherapy would only the palliative. I think he is looking at weeks rather than months at this point. My advice is for you to spend as much time as you possibly can with your father.

I know that what I am saying is very bleak news but what you describe is a very bleak situation. Having said this, some people have rebounded from worse situations.

You, your father, and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

sam · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 11

Thank you for being honest with me regarding my Dad's time left. I suspected as much after reading as much info as possible about this cancer on your forum.
I have told my Mum to expect the worse in the next few weeks and in my heart I think he will only manage for another month or so.
I am unable to go to the Oncologist with my Dad tomorrow but my Mum is going and is armed with questions. He has an ambulance coming for him at 12.30 to take him to Burnley Hospital in Lancs.
Even the journey there is going to wear my Dad out...... But I think it is important for him to speak to someone about pain management and any possible treatments.
I still feel as if I'm in a bubble and I can't believe this has happened so quickly to my Dad.
When I last saw him in August he was fine, just looked a little under the weather and my Mum put it down to flu....So did the Doctor!
He sounds so normal on the phone but he looks so ill when I see him each week, it's almost unbearable......

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Hello Sam -- Some months ago I posted the following message to family members of pancreatic cancer sufferers. It's the story of my brother and me and all of us who loved him. It's the story of a diagnosis, what happened next and questions we all had. With your permission I am posting it again as I think you already know what's coming but need to know you're not alone.
###

Last week my brother's family came to New York where I live and together we relived his life, his grim news of last fall, and his subsequent death eight weeks later of pancreatic cancer. Although very difficult and sad, the days we spent in reflection marked the beginning of real closure for all of us.

Those who know my story know these facts: My brother, aged 60, had no symptoms except a persistent backache when he was diagnosed last October with Stage 4 PC. The weeks from diagnosis to death were spent in and out of hospitals, in and out of pain, on this med, on that med, stent in, stent out, chemo on, chemo off. The outcome was inevitable no matter what the doctors did. Surgery was never an option for him. No matter how much we loved him, no matter how much we prayed for him, interceded for him, bargained for him, he died a week before Christmas, 2006.

New writers to this forum ask over and over again: How will I know when the end is near? Big question. When my mother died of cancer a year ago I asked the same question. The answer would be for me, not her -- I wanted to be prepared. So I read the books, asked the professionals, watched her closely since she was in my care, comparing what I saw with what I was told.

Later, with my brother, I watched again. Kind of a rewind, actually, as the illness gap between my two loved ones was painfully close, the symptoms similar, the disease's target, however, a different organ. This time I kept my own counsel, not treating his dying as some roadmap of morbid signs but instead as the preparation of a human to ready himself for his next journey.

These are my conclusions about "last signs" (and I will use the masculine pronoun but mean no ill respect in doing so): When a human being is ready to leave us, he actually has a foot in two worlds, ours and the next. From time to time, we think he is rallying, that the crisis is past and that he is as we once knew him. He laughs, he remembers, he reaches out, he asks for a favorite food, he enjoys company.

In a blink of an eye he leaves again, falling into a deep sleep, breathing noisily, mouth open, eyes open then closed. Often there is no waking him and so we sit by the bed, reading, praying, waiting.

The routine repeats itself, with added bodliy failures -- until he is ready to leave.

We humans are impatient people. We are used to the quick fix, instant breakfasts, fast food. But we have no timetable on this readiness. We have no way of knowing if there will be any kind of turnaround or when. We pester doctors, implore nurses, beg caregivers. And despite this being the "information age," we are not given any real information at all on anything relating to the process of dying or the person we love nor any solid facts to go by, whether the news we seek is bad or good.

And so we come to this forum, where in anonymity we can bare our souls to strangers going through the same thing, asking questions in words we dare not let past our lips, seeking answers we don't want to hear.

One thing is for sure -- death comes to us all. Those loved ones who have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer know the outcome, whether the days remaining are long or short. The rest of us are often caught off guard by Mr. Death, by the Grim Reaper, Das Earl Koenig, whatever name you want to use, and so go about our lives as if we will live forever. We go to work, pay our bills, eat our meals, take a shower, go to bed. Routine and predictable. But when a loved one passes, we are shocked into such great agony that we hardly know where to turn. We find ourselves alone, left behind to mourn, to count the days until we will see him again, to remember the good days and not the troublesome ones, to recall him as he once was and not as he was dying.

I write today because I have paid my brother - and my mother - their proper respects and it's time to move on. I am approaching 70 myself and thus am on borrowed time. I retired from my regular job the day after my family left. I have children and grandchildren who expect me to do something fabulous with the rest of my allotted days and cannot disappoint them.

I thank all of you who have shared your painful stories with me. You have helped me beyond measure and I wish you peace. For those who come after us, re-read these messages. All you need to know is here.

Big Sister Pat

sam · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 11

Thank you Big Sister for the kind words. It really helps knowing that I am not alone in my despair.
My Dad went to see the Oncologist today with my Mum. He didn't faint and stayed in good spirits the whole time. A nurse stayed with them the whole time from when he arrived to when he was dropped off back home later this afternoon. Mum says it was a much better experience than she had envisaged.
I haven't been able to get the full details from Mum over the phone but will see her on Sunday morning. She did say a nutritionist was coming round tomorrow to see my Dad.....They also said that my Dad would not be able to stand the weekly trips to Preston for Chemotherapy. (this is about 28 miles from them) I'm not quite sure what to read into this....
The nutritionist is going to help with trying to build Dad up, I wonder if he will then be able to stand Chemo?? I'll need to talk to Mum at the weekend.
I have ordered a memory foam ring for Dad to sit on as he is getting quite uncomfortable now. It's supposed to arrive Monday. Also, Dad's a firm Arsenal supporter so tomorrow the Sky tv man is coming to install the full monty from Sky tv.....movies, footy, funnies...the worx. Just want Dad to be as happy and comfortable as he can be....

sam · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 11

I have just come back from seeing Dad and it looks like he is getting weaker rather than stronger.
He has these cravings for certain foods and then when Mum gives it to him he can barely eat a mouthful. I am finding it so difficult now to watch my Dad dying in front of me.
He cannot stand without help now and is no longer able to get up the stairs so the Nurse has brought a commode round. I am going to buy him a bed from "betterlifehealthcare" to put in the lounge because he is now sleeping on the sofa.
The ring arrived today and has given my Dad some much needed relief but it is still hard to watch him wasting away.
His feet and ankles are badly swollen and his mouth is dry and cracked. My Mum and the nurses are doing all they can but it is hard. He was so normal back in August. How can it all happen so fast?
Mum is giving him the crushed apricot kernels when she can and the Dr has prescribed pills to try and bring his appetite back. The nurse recommended that Dad has fattening and sugary foods and lots of milk. These are all the things which I though were bad for cancer....I think they are basically saying he should try and eat whatever he can to build himself up.
I haven't got upset in front of Dad and we've had a bit of a laugh but when I'm on my own I can't seem to hold it together and I cry and cry. I necer thought something like this would happen to my wonderful Dad.

prettyinpink · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 10

Sam, I am so sorry to hear about your father's illness and for you to suffer through this heartache. I agree with brainmand and Big sister on your fathers condition. I know you and your mom will spend quallity time with your dad. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Janice

kelwards1 · New User Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 3

Hey Sam, my Mom was diagnosed in Sept. with stage IV pancreatic cancer with mets to the liver. She only had pain until 3 wks ago. Now she has to take lots of morphine, sleeps alot, has anxiety on and off, dry mouth, loosing weight, no appetite, confusion at times, jaundice at times, constipation and now diarhea.
I still can't believe that my 70 yr old mother, who never has been in a hospital, never smoked, drank, not diabetic, not overweight...can be dying of cancer. She was 100% fine in July/August.
Your story sounds so much like my story! I feel angry, sad, disbelief, confusion, alone, happy to have the time I have, devasted...I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions that doesn't stop.
Mom chose not to do chemo and was told 6-9 months. I just wish I knew how much time she has. I have read and read and have decided everyone is different with their symptoms. I am watching for the ascites before I get really, really nervous. That's a lie...I'm already nervous.
Just love your Dad and enjoy every moment you have and please know your not alone in how your feeling!! kelwards1 (at) verizon (dot) net

hugs for you!!
Kelly

Queensland Girl · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: Re: my dad has stage iv cancer

Hello,

Both of my parents have passed away with pancreatic cancer, with my Dad only going on January 7 this year. He was diagnosed in July 2007 and had chemo until October. He wasn't in a lot of pain for most of this time however, his liver started leaking and developed ascites with his legs and ankles swelling. He also looked heavily pregnant. Initially he had the fluid drained three times, then in November the doctors placed a shunt in his liver which gave him considerable relief. Dad's mobility returned but towards the end of November he started to complain about right leg pain. He lost a lot of weight and also had temperature regulation problems - he felt incredibly cold then incredibly hot. We were putting blankets and hot water bottles on, then turning the air-conditioner on five minutes later.

The whole family managed to get to Dad's place for Christmas and we all tried to remain positive even when we knew the end was near. I'm not sure that Dad accepted that he was dying so we didn't talk about it. I only cried once with Dad which was terrible. In the last fortnight, Dad needed a lot of pain relief and he became dehydrated and slightly confused. On New years Eve, I had to get an ambulance to take him to hospital as he couldn't swallow anymore. Despite Dad's wishes of wanting to come home and our every intent to follow this wish, he deteriorated very rapidly and passed away in the evening of the 7th in the hospital. Dad fought until the end as he was always a strong man.

Unfortunately for us, our family were diagnosed too late for any real help, so the doctors tried to prolong Dad's life with chemo, and when that no longer worked, they tried to maintain his quality of life.

From what you have said in your posts, I don't think your Dad will have long, and your doctors will probably look to keeping him comfortable rather than trying to treat the disease aggressively. I trully feel for you and wish there was some real hope.

All we can do is to love our family and support them in all the decisions they make. Even now I still can't believe my Dad is gone, and expect a phone call any day, my Dad was also 69.

My heart goes out to you and your family,

Queensland Girl

sam · Regular Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 11

Hello there everybody,
The reason I have only just responded to your messages is because my dad passed away on the 19th Feb and was cremated on the 26th Feb. I still can't believe what has happened and although I had taken on board what people were telling me I thought that perhaps my dad would be the one to hold on in there a little longer.
I had been to see him each weekend and had left him and my Mum on the Monday afternoon, I had told him I would be back in 6 days and he did seem weak. He told me he was ready for the big train journey in the sky.....So maybe he knew that he was going to die.
He shouted hello to me on the phone when I rang that evening and I told him I would call around mid-day on the Tuesday.
I was waiting for my train to work when Mum rang me at 10.05 am on Tuesday 19th to say Dad had died.........
She was in a state of course, the doctor had been round but I got in the car and drove back up to Lancashire and was with my Dad by 2pm. He was in his favourite room, o his comfy sofa and looked as though he was asleep. It was certainly the most soul destroying and painful vision I have ever witnessed but I must say that he finally looked at peace. And do you know....His hands and face were warmer than they had been when he was alive, and that wasn't my imagination.
My Mum and I had 3 hours with him before he was taken away.
I had no idea when he was diagnosed at the end of January that he would be gone 3 weeks later......And I can't believe that my Mum thought he was just under the weather over christmas and a little off his food......She and my Dad had no idea that he was dying of Pancreatic cancer.
I think my Dad had a heart attack on the 19th. It said cancer of the pancreas and Ischaemic heart disease.... I'm not quite sure what that meant.
But Dad could no longer walk, eat, swallow......He hadn't lost his mind though and on the Monday afternoon we were talking in depth about the news on tv etc.
I would like to participate in anything that could help raise awareness with Pancreatic cancer. My Dad was the liveliest, funniest, best Dad in the world and I am devastated.

brainman · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: Re: my dad has stage iv cancer

Oh Sam, I am so sorry that your father has died Sad

. Pancreatic Cancer is such a terrible disease.

May you and your family find peace.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Big Sister · Experienced user Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 68

Hello Sam,

Three weeks is hardly any time to process a diagnosis let alone face the passing of a loved one. I had 8 weeks between my brother's diagnosis and his death. He was 61, apparently healthy and lots of fun to be with.

And then he wasn't.

In just the snap of a finger you had a dad...then you did didn't. Those of us who post here know what you're going through. It only varies with relationship and time. The pain is the same.

I send heartfelt condolences to you and your mum. There never was a miracle here no matter how incredible the whole thing seems now. You will need to post when you can -- for yourself this time, not for your dad.

Some say these things happen for a reason. To this day I can find none. I miss my brother terribly and it has been over a year.

Warm regards,
Big Sister Pat

ksplat · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: Thinking of you!

Dear Sam
I am so very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. Please know my prayers & thoughts are with you at this very difficult time.
Such a short passage of time for your Dad's illness. I can't possibly know about your experience with this dreadful illness & losing your Dad!
My sympathies to you & your family.
May God rest his soul.
Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

Darwin · Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: Re: my dad has stage iv cancer

Dear Sam

So sad to hear this news about your Dad. You and your Mum are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dorothy
_________________
Ex husband's diagnosis was January 2006, stage IV bowel cancer with mets to liver and lungs. Two years of continuous chemo, folfox then folfirri. On MAX chemo now. Has had radiation to pelvic area and radioactive SIRT spheres injected through the portal vein into the liver.

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