EVERYTHINGS A MESS

bestfriends · New User Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 7 Location: australia

Hi Everyone its been a few months now since my best friend passed away from lung cancer. Its been a hard few months & every time I feel I maybe getting on top of my emotions I get news on how my friend husband & 13 year old daughter are doing & I start stressing & cring tring to work out what I can do to help them.. Everything is a mess, No matter how much I tried to get my friend to make a will she just wouldn't listen So now her husband is mudling threw the best he can & I find out to top it off he can't read or right.. I dont now how many times he has stated he cant cope, as he is a truck driver & only home on weekends his daughter has to stay with a family in town threw the week.. Now this girl has been spoilt all her life by her mother & when things dont go her way she goes off her nut big time..
Now she's fighting with the family she's staying with & wants to move up here with my husband & I which we have been expecting, but now my husband is not real well & could have to quit his job.. I dont now what to do any more I can't say no to them but we have to turn everything upside down spend around $10,000 buying caravans & hiring trucks to move them & all their animals as they can't afford it we have to help what else can we do?
I wish I could find someone with a horse that is looking for somewere to live free in return for just being there, but then how do you know you can trust that person?
Our house is a tinny one bedroom cabin basiclly hence why we would have to buy caravans or look at moving but we have over 11 horses & finding some were is near impossible..
I know noone has the answers I just needed to vent my worries I guess..
Since loosing my friend I have found out that she lied over & over again to me & her husband, lies that cost me over $1500...
lies that left her husband in major financual shit...
lies that have hurt both of us,,
Its hard to know most of the time weather Im griveing for her or Im angry at her..

I'll stop the dribble now as I could go on forever
thanks for reading...

brainman · Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: Re: EVERYTHINGS A MESS

bestfriend, I am very sorry about this new trouble in your life. Yes, Jenny left you I a bad situation. I hear your desire to help the family, especially the daughter, of your best friend. However, you do have to consider how your decision and action might impact your family.

At the very least, I would sit down with father and daughter and clearly state your concerns, expectations, and even rules. For one think, I would expect him to sign a legal agreement that he will pay you back any moving costs. Second, I would be very clear with the daughter that you are not her mother and that she should not expect you to treat her in the same way that her mother did. Third, I would expect the daughter (and maybe father) to go to therapy... maybe with you and your husband. If she becomes this important to your life, you should do all you can to make your relationship a healthy one.

Best wishes.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

bestfriends · New User Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 7 Location: australia

Thanks Brainman how you doing??

I agree we need to think of our own situation,, the hardest thing is this girl is so stubbon, if you try talking to her about sell or leasing a few of the horses Its straightout NO.. Dad well he's got no idea how to be a dad he's never had to, so now he just continues to give in to her every wim..
As to organising anything for himself It's almost like he wants everyone else to work everything out for him but we can't they have too work out what they want..
One friend has told me that they will need to hit rock bottom before they will be able to work there way out & help themselfs, but thats so hard to watch happen after everything...
Im currently looking at equestion boarding schools as she could go a long way at the right one but the cost of them is unreal.. & it could take 12 months to get her in & boy her school results would have to get alot better..

ksplat · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: Re: EVERYTHINGS A MESS

Hello Bestfriends
I am so sorry you are experiencing this emotional turmoil since the passing of yr dear friend.
My piece of advice is "You can't help those who can't or won't help themselves"!
This family needs counselling, (grief or otherwise) to take the first step in moving on with their lives. They are both selfish if they are depending on your generosity & love of their Wife/Mum to sort their lives out.
The fact that yr questioning your decision making tells me that you're not happy or comfortable with this responsibility. Unfortunately, although you're "torn" you need to put you & your family 1st on this one!
I pray you will be led along the correct path in dealing with this MESS!
Thinking of you.
Cheers, Aussie Angie.
_________________
Brother has GBMIV
Diagnosed Feb 07
46 Yrs young!

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

Cara199 · Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 4:19 am Post subject: Re: EVERYTHINGS A MESS

Hi Bestfriend, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I would hesitate too on going in and trying to fix everything at the risk of your own household. Your home can be a haven for this girl without you having to move her in there. Just wanted to lend my support.

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