missing home.

sheep · New User Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Posts: 1

My Mother was on the 2nd of April this year diagnosed with lung cancer.
Unfortunately due the agressive nature of the cancer - small cell lung cancer - and how far it had already spread, it was already too late for any kind of surgery. We have to hang our hopes on chemotherapy and after 3 treatments, a small improvement has been achieved.
My Mother is fighting it all the way.

In 2004, long before the bombshell dropped, I decided to begin a new life with my partner in Germany. I left my family back home in Manchester to take a chance on happiness with this person who is very special to me. Taking that step paid off - 4 years on we are still happy together. I learned the language, I found work, I overcame the cultural differences and worked hard to make the move a sucess. I have never before regretted it.

Until now.
Now I am not doing so well.

I am one of 4 siblings. The younger 2 are still living at home with my Mother (ages: 21 and 15) my elder Brother lives 5 minutes away. My Uncles live only a few hundred meters away, as does my Nan.
My Mother is not alone, she has everybody there close at hand, and they are all brilliant with her. They are there every step along the way.

And I am not.

I wanted to come home to be with her. But she insisted it wasn't the right time. I should save up my holidays and come and see her at some other time. Taking the holidays now would be a waste she said because at the moment she is doing ok.
I have 5 weeks holidays a year.
Is that really all I have to offer?

I go to work every day like a robot. I have to do this job, I have to listen to these people, I have to function as normally as I can but I feel so low. Tired, fed up, unable to concentrate, low.

I was never a very strong person. Where my siblings back home have become pillars of strength for Mum, and Mum herself is an absolute inspiration, I feel like I am falling to pieces.
I am doing what she wants, I could of course never refuse her. And she is of course right, that is what I probably should be doing. Stay here, do these things that have to be done. Keep your chin up kiddo...
But my soul is sad for it.

I want to be stronger but I am struggling.

I needed to write this because I can't confess it to anyone around me. I am scared that this is only going to get worse. I just needed some release.

Thankyou.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 789 Location: UK

Hi, Sheep. You are not alone in this. It is one of the great problems of being an ex-patriot. When things go wrong at home, personal loyalties come into conflict, and when it is your mother, it is particularly hard.

Reading what you have said, and trying to think what might be the best thing to do, I can see what your mother is trying to say. I would like to suggest, for your sake, you need to talk to your employers and to your partner and work out if you could spend short periods of time at home. Coming back for the weekends, for instance.

In the meantime, this is a good place to vent with many very supportive people listening.

brainman · Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: Re: missing home.

Oh sheep, I am so sorry about your mother's cancer and your distance from her. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am that I was my parent's primary care provider during their last months.

Obviously, the choice is yours but my advice is to take a couple of weeks to go to your mother. My reasoning is exactly what your mother said was a reason to wait... she is doing well now. Go spend time with her will she is still doing well. You can enjoy more things with her now than when she is sicker. In the best of all worlds, you could spend some time with her now and then more time with her later.

You and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

simplyklb · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: Re: missing home.

Sheep,
Please take some time to visit your Mum. She would love to see you and I know that you want to see her.

I live with my parents. They both have lung cancer. I try to be strong but sometimes I fail. In fact, I am really feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Kristi
_________________
Dad - Andy, 70, diagnosed with SCLC in May 2008
2/20/38 - 10/15/08 Fly high, Dad!
Mom - Jackie, 67, diagnosed with NSCLC in May 2008

ksplat · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:02 pm Post subject: Re: missing home

Hello sheep

I am very sorry for your Mum"s current illness & the pain & sadness within your family at this time. Please know my prayers & thoughts are with you all.

Having been through a similar experience with my Dad I would advise you to go to your Mum for a visit now. Your family would never expect you to sacrifice the life you have built for yourself in Germany but I know they would appreciate your support now, as they are all still reeling from your Mum's diagnosis. God knows, it will make you feel better being with your family too! It is almost impossible to predict how your Mum will progress in this illness, God willing the chemo will be a successful treatment & she will be gifted with more time.

I was 4000 km away when my Dad had a stroke & I flew straight home (he wasn't expected to survive this). I ended up staying for about 10 days but had to get back to my job after this.

The time I spent with my Mum & siblings during this time was the most important to me (even though Dad was not aware). It was also a painful time with him so unwell.

You will find your strength when you see your Mum & family.

God bless,

Cheers, Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1265

Hi,

Welcome and I'm so very sorry to hear of this diagnosis for your Mom. I lost my husband to NSCLC and one of my best friends to SCLC. I know the hurt and helpless feeling you have right now, especially being away from home. We also had children that lived away from us. God bless you for caring so much about your dear Mom.

I'm going to be the opposite side of the coin from the other's who have responded because I have lived this as part of a couple and a parent. This is going to be a little bit of tough talk, but this is all about your Mother, not you. Trust me, I had to be reminded of this, even as a wife, by my siblings when I would have times of being overcome with anxiety and worry. I learned how to suck it up pretty well and became extremely strong for my husband.

Some families love the commotion of family coming in from out of state (or country in your case) to visit. Some families choose to live more quietly. There is a delicate balance and your Mother's wishes are what need to be respected.

You've admitted that you worked hard to move and make a success of yourself in a new country. As a parent, your Mom wants you to continue to live with your success and not be moping around with your head down. You would do more to honor her by picking yourself up and continuing to succeed with your new life. This is what she wants for her child and is what every parent wants for their children.

I know you want to run home and I'll be honest, she has the most aggressive type of lung cancer. Please talk with her to get a good balance between her wants and your needs. Maybe a long weekend visit home soon would be an acceptable idea for her.

You'll do better as time goes by with absorbing the shock of the diagnosis. I understand that time is of the essence with this disease. I won't lie to you about that. Find a happy medium that honors her wishes while giving you some sense of being involved.

Find a support group, continue to dialog with us, or find a physician to speak to and try to scoop yourself up a bit. I know you feel on the outside, but make sure your family keeps you updated frequently. I made sure to keep my kids in the loop at all times so they felt part of my husband's journey even though they didn't all live here. Talk to your sibs about your involvement. Maybe you could set up a carepage for your Mom to detail her journey and keep others informed. I get such a huge sense of your need to be involved and that's a wonderful thing. Your family needs to know this and you can find a way together to achieve that. I know I wasn't able to see my Mother all the time when she was ill, but I did call her every single day. You need to explore all of your options with your mother and your other family members.

Good luck and I hope we hear from you again.

PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

sleepyhead · Regular Joined: 20 Jan 2008 Posts: 12

Sheep, I am so sorry to hear of your Mother's illness.

I lost my Mum to pancreatic cancer last November - it was totally unexpected - she went into hospital on saturday and died on monday night - we had no idea.

My advice would be, take some off work and visit her. While she is still reasonably well you can enjoy the time you spend together. My Mum was taken from me with no warning, and I would give anything to have an extra five minutes with her, so I could say all the things now left unsaid.

Your Mum sounds like mine, telling you to carry on with work, and not to worry. Thats her job, to look out for you. Perhaps take some time off and surprise her, tell her how much she means to you.

Treasure the time you can have with her Smile

xxx

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