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 Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:37 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
They Walk Among Us -
and they Reproduce !!!
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A Woman comes home and tells her husband,
'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,
'What happened?'
His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says,
'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says,
'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two ! It was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
'She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:40 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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This one is priceless!! I'm still laughing!!!
A salesman was traveling through the Maine country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY!
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND WANT TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then…………………..
he married the one with the biggest breast.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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DINNER FOR EIGHT
A group of country friends from the local church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.
They are just too dear."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the paddock and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see rabbits eating them and they're OK.
So - Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him,
So she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine.
Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The ambo's & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
And pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said,
"I think everything will be fine now, and he left." They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, The helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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The difference between Grandma and Grandpa
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little
girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy
your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know
what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we
went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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In will enjoy this - It comes from Levi 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says "No, I'm your son's teacher."
(Of course it may already be in this thread somewhere. Damn by laziness in checking) |
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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heheh I did like that one.
Sorry if all of the ones above I've done are repeated. _ had to empty my folders and emails. Thought i better not waste them.
(Jim I did them in a hurry, so if any offend or you need to edit a word or two  Feel free. )
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If
there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RA LPHY says, ' I have a question for YOU.'
'There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The sec ond is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal,replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....ing beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Li ttle RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f.... ing' business.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Why Parents Drink !!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter.' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...'ME .'
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The man leaves.
A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Tony,
follow that man and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Tony comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Tony, where does he go when he leaves here?”
Tony looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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The train was quite crowded, a U.S.Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'I'm horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this American in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window
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~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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